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Joined: May 2015
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I have a question about an insecurity I have in my marriage. My wife had a serious relationship in high school for almost 3 years. She was sexually active with him and was very hurt when he left her. After that she didn�t have any long term relationships until we met five years later but she did have other sexual partners. I did not have any sexual partners before her. My question arises from the fact that she seems to have never gotten over the boyfriend. She says she has but over the years I have been compared to him a few times and she became Facebook friends with him about 7 years ago. I asked her not to become friends with him on there, but she said I was acting out of fear and she wasn�t going to do as I asked because it was unreasonable. She has not been in active contact with him. I felt she was choosing him over me. We have trouble in our sex life, she cannot have sex with me because on anxiety. I am not sure why, but to me in the absence of anything being told to me I feel it must have to do with her past relationships. This may be completely false but it is the feeling I have.
So now the question, do I tell her how I feel or am I dredging up the past? I do not want it to be condemning to her because I have been that way before about the old boyfriend. I am not perfect by any means and I am not blaming her, but the absence of facts leads to fear. I have gotten on medication recently and it has opened my world up. I am wanting to go from withdrawn to engaged but tend to get over zealous and speak without giving proper thought. Let me know if we should just work on the steps and see if this comes up or if I should say something. I just don�t want to create anymore huge love busters.
Thanks
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Hi TTG, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you married? If so, how long married? Any kids?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2015
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Been married 22 years and have 3 kids - 18, 16 & 13
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Joined: Apr 2001
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So now the question, do I tell her how I feel or am I dredging up the past? I do not want it to be condemning to her because I have been that way before about the old boyfriend. I am not perfect by any means and I am not blaming her, but the absence of facts leads to fear. I have gotten on medication recently and it has opened my world up. I am wanting to go from withdrawn to engaged but tend to get over zealous and speak without giving proper thought. Let me know if we should just work on the steps and see if this comes up or if I should say something. I just don�t want to create anymore huge love busters.
Thanks It sounds like you have been in a dysfunctional atmosphere that has made you believe there is something WRONG when a spouse becomes concerned about opposite sex friendships. Affairs all start with opposite sex friendships, so your so called "insecurity" makes perfect sense. You recognize a real risk. That does not mean something is wrong with you, it means there is something wrong with your marriage. Please read this article and come back and lets discuss: The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I am not perfect by any means and I am not blaming her, but the absence of facts leads to fear. Opposite sex friendships lead to fear. It is a rational fear. So if she eliminates the OS friendships, your fear will go away. I would ask her to end any opposite sex friendships since they are a threat to your marriage. If she refuses, then you have much, much bigger problems than OS friendships: you have a spouse who does not care about your feelings and places those "friendships" above your marriage. "Jealousy is a normal reaction to a threat to marriage." "I will leave you with another important point. I've already expressed my conviction that after an affair is over, there should be no contact between a spouse and his or her lover. But there is a related issue that is often ignored. When you marry, neither you nor your spouse should have any contact with any of your previous lovers. Anyone that you've ever loved is a temptation for you, and has the potential of re-igniting your feelings of love. " "Isn't it interesting how someone can miss the point that mutual care in marriage is the only kind of care that makes sense? When your husband tells you that he wants you to care for him by suffering so he can have what he wants, he doesn't understand that this expectation means that he doesn't care about you. And that's the point." "Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That's because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer." "From your husband's perspective, if you cared about his feelings, you wouldn't see your friend. The fact that he has made his wishes clear, and you have wanted to see him anyway, is proof to him that you care more about seeing your friend than you care about your husband. My advice to you is simple: Don't have friends who make your husband uncomfortable. Follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. "
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2015
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I don�t believe there is any chance of an affair. My fears were valid when they made contact and I asked her not to friend him on Facebook but she did anyway. She did not treat them as valid and that showed me a couple of things. That I was not the most important person to her, that she did not respect me and she did not care for the feelings I was having. This coupled with the insecurity I already felt about their former relationship was dealt with me by turning to my passive-aggressive side by withdrawing. I did not argue, I just withdrew from a feeling of disrespect.
Now I am trying to decide if I bring this up or let it go. I don�t want to dredge up the past but it is bothering me. She acted like a giddy schoolgirl getting a note passed to her from her crush and it destroyed me. I am terrible with emotions and don�t seem to make the right choice in dealing with them. I feel like it needs to be brought out and discussed but I don�t trust my instincts. So it boils down to this, bring up something from seven years ago or let it go?
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Now I am trying to decide if I bring this up or let it go. I don�t want to dredge up the past but it is bothering me. How about confronting the problems of the present: she reserves the right to have opposite sex friendships today and to maintain friendships with former lovers, right?
Last edited by markos; 05/12/15 10:09 AM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Tryingtogrow,
You wrote, We have trouble in our sex life, she cannot have sex with me because on anxiety. I am not sure why, but to me in the absence of anything being told to me I feel it must have to do with her past relationships. This may be completely false but it is the feeling I have.
Take some time here to read the different posters threads, you will find that one of the constant themes is that sex disappears when a spouse, especially a wife, is in even an emotional affair.
You will also find the constant repetition of affairs with old lovers, it's practically a cliche.
Have you confronted this OM, what do you know about him, is OM married.
Your intuition is tingling for a very good reason, you need to snoop without your W knowing it, if your W finds out she will just take the communication deeper underground.
Has your W gone on "girls only" vacations?
Gamma
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I don�t believe there is any chance of an affair. My fears were valid when they made contact and I asked her not to friend him on Facebook but she did anyway. She did not treat them as valid and that showed me a couple of things. That I was not the most important person to her, that she did not respect me and she did not care for the feelings I was having. This coupled with the insecurity I already felt about their former relationship was dealt with me by turning to my passive-aggressive side by withdrawing. I did not argue, I just withdrew from a feeling of disrespect.
Now I am trying to decide if I bring this up or let it go. I don�t want to dredge up the past but it is bothering me. She acted like a giddy schoolgirl getting a note passed to her from her crush and it destroyed me. I am terrible with emotions and don�t seem to make the right choice in dealing with them. I feel like it needs to be brought out and discussed but I don�t trust my instincts. So it boils down to this, bring up something from seven years ago or let it go? I would bring up PRESENT PROBLEMS, which would include the above issues. Those issues were not resolved in the past, so they are in the PRESENT. Keep them on the front burner until they are resolved. And you say there is "no chance" she would have an affair. The many thousands of affairs described over on the surviving an affair forum said the same thing. It is like the drunk driver who imagines he is immune to car wrecks because he is a "great" drunk driver. You and your wife are particularly vulnerable because you don't recognize the risk.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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