Hello, builiders I am back. I've had a horrible divorce and separation. My ex-wife was unfaithful and my 8 yrs old kid knows about it. I agreed with exposing affair to family and friends but it seems that it was not a good idea based on what I see. I need help dealing with this.
At the beginning when I found out I exposed the affair to our family including our 8 yr old son. For him it was devastated to know what happened. I was accused for not being a good parent and not protecting my kid by everyone. I only find here that is ok to expose affair to everyone. After a year my ex-wife convinced our son that it never happened and she's still together with the guy she cheated on. She is trying to introduce him to our son. She asked me to speak with our son so she can be with her new man. I could not do it and what I did was to remind him that the guy mom is seeing is the one she cheated on. She is now furious and wants to start a war against me. She goes to therapy and her therapist is with her and against the idea that kids should know...
I don't know how to make her understand that is messed up that she is trying to intruduce our son to the man she was unfaithful to me with... Any ideas?

it is really devastating to me that I feel guilty to make my son know his mother was unfaithful and decided to end our family to go with another man. It makes him resent his mother and I don't want that. I feel is not fair.

You shouldn't be talking to your wife about this, and you should not be listing to what her therapist has to say on the issue. You should continue telling your son the truth.

Why are you anxious about this now? I can see that your wife is bending your ear (though how she can "wage war" on you is not clear), but is there any reason for you to stop doing what you have been doing?

Is your son okay? If not, then therapy for HIM might be appropriate, but look for a therapist who does to believe in lying to children. However, if he is fine, and all this grief is coming from your ex wife, block her out.

So your psychologist said that it is confusing to children to be lied to and you followed his advice. If her therapist advocates lying as a parenting technique, you doubt her therapist's qualifications. If the therapist is trying to dictate the boy's feeling, again you doubt the therapist's qualifications and are concern that the advice would damage the child's mental health.

See, 2 can play that game.

This therapist is paid by your wife to help HER! not you! So don't expect impartiality. Also a number of therapists are just social workers or counselors who are very minimally trained. Few have anything on Dr.Harley's qualifications and experience.

Your son has the right to his feelings about his mother's behavior. It is natural to resent the person who destroys your family whether that person is a drunk driver, an enemy soldier or a parent. You should impress on your son that he has the right to his feelings but not to angry outbursts.

Someday your son will know who he can trust and it will be you, not his mother. It's cruel to lie to a child about why their parents are not together. He has a right to know that the man his mother is with helped to break up his family.

Sir I think you would benefit from going into Plan B.

What is wrong with you? Why are you trying to make a WAYWARD WIFE "understand" that adultery is wrong? Do you need her approval to know right from wrong? Do you need the approval of a self centered, selfish, fogged wayward to teach your own child right from wrong?

The therapist does not know or care for your child. The therapist is not responsible for your child. YOU ARE. So man up and be responsible. It is wrong to lie to kids about infidelity. That will be true even if every crapwit therapist in the US thinks it is ok to lie to little kids.

It is devastating to me to know that a GROWN MAN would allow anyone to make him "feel guilty" for doing the right thing. You are not a teenager, Sir, so stop acting like one.

Your son has a RIGHT to resent his cheating mother. You cannot deny him that right. There would be something wrong with your son if he didn't resent his mothers selfish, immoral behavior.

lmf2000,

You wrote, I don't know how to make her understand that is messed up that she is trying to intruduce our son to the man she was unfaithful to me with... Any ideas?

There is no point to arguing with a wayward anymore than there is sense in arguing with a drunk. OM is not "uncle OM" or whatever cute name your WW invents for him, he's maggot infested coyote poison for the rest of his life.

That others support your WWs affair is not your defect it is theirs!

Gamma

Thank you so much for the support and the awareness. My ex told my son that she never cheated on me and that her boyfriend has nothing to do with this. I found out about this today that she was working him on for months. I told my son the truth and she accused me for not caring about our son's mental health.
But I am not going to care about what she feels about it anymore and will hold my position.
I believe that if anything she should be sorry and apologize to our son rather than hiding the truth.
How shold my ex be handling the situation?
Thanks again everyone

My son is fine I just know that he doesn't like to be lied to. And now he maybe thinks I am lying or at least doubting what I told him after her mother telling him what I told him was a lie.
What kind of conversation should I habe with him in regards to this situation.

Is he old enough for you to show him the proof that I hope you saved from the beginning of tbe affair?

Dint let him think that you are the one that is lying.

LTL

Here are some good articles and radio clips where Dr. Harley explains why it's needed to expose to children.

Exposing to Children

Instead of worrying about being Honest, consider this quote from Ayn Rand: "



People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I�ve learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one�s reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one�s master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person�s view requires to be faked�The man who lies to the world, is the world�s slave from then on�There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all.

This. Exactly this.

LMF2000,

One of the other reasons to tell your son the truth is that it makes it OK for him to tell you what he has seen and heard. It keeps your son from having to lie to you out of fear that he will destroy your marriage if he doesn't keep quiet.

Decades upon decades later my W still has not told my MIL about what she saw my FIL doing when my W was very small.

Gamma

Just maintain your position.

Because she is telling untruths she will start to contradict herself and get confusing. When that happens your son will be grateful for the steady calm unchanging beacon of truth coming from you. Don't persuade him - just keep the dialogue open.

If you have proof he can see, show him. You could even get back copies of phone bills etc as proof.

If you don't have any, she doesn't know that - or that you can't find any. It might be worth telling her you don't want to present any proof to him but you will show him unless she stops upsetting him and bringing her AP around him.

You should also see if a lawyer can get the AP kept away from your son - then also tell your son why the courts agreed to that.