Where did you send the email?

What address did you send the email to?

Similar to you, my husband has said he will do the program with me but he continues to procrastinate starting.

In my case, this has gone on for months so I am not the best to be giving advice, but I believe I see a real improvement in getting my husband to take our problems seriously. And I think it's because I have improved how I broach the subject.

Like you I have been increasingly unhappy in my marriage and as MelodyLane said, once I acknowledged my unhappiness in my mind, it has had a snowball effect. When I began telling my husband I wanted to work on things his earlier reaction was always to dismiss/minimize/ridicule/distract regarding my concerns.

What I have found helps is to simply keep calmly (when possible - almost as if I'm commenting on the weather) keep repeating that I am not satisfied with the status quo. We may be getting along fine at the moment, but don't confuse that for my overall satisfaction.

He can dismiss the importance of my complaints and debate my logic all he wants, but he can't tell me I don't feel what I say I feel. I don't argue with him when he says I should not feel that but nor do I back down when he says he feels horrible that I feel bad and he's trying or whatever he says that attempts to kick the can down the road. It doesn't matter if I have good reason or not - I'm his wife, and this is where I'm at. I owe it to our marriage to let him know.

Below are some of the phrases I keep calmly using in conversation with him. If some of these are not good I trust the more experienced posters will offer corrections.

When he says he thinks everything is fine:
"I would like to do the MB program together."
"I am not happy."
"I feel very unhappy inside."
"I have a bad feeling in my chest all the time."

when he scoffs at a concern I've raised:
"It is important to me"
"It matters to me."
"This means a lot to me."
"I need this."
"I feel strongly about this."
"I'm telling you what I think."
"I'm telling you how I feel."

When he indicates MB is not a priority:
"I am worried about the future."
"I need to do something concrete about this now."
"I wake up in the middle of the night and I feel sick with anxiety"
"I am not okay."
"I would like a more fulfilling marriage and I think I could make you happier too."

When he says we will do it but then tosses up another reason to procrastinate:
"I need to know when we can do this."
"When, specifically, will we start?"
"I am not willing to keep feeling this way X time from now."

When we're discussing finances or something he considers non-marriage but I feel improving our marriage would improve everything:
"The number one thing that would reassure me right now for us to start the MB program."
"I would be less worried about this if I felt our marriage was as strong as it can be."

When he says he feels absolutely horrible about everything and it's all his fault but can we just leave the past behind us? (as if that's the end of the subject and I know nothing will change):
"I cannot tolerate being in this same situation in 6-months"
"I am reaching a breaking point. I need to see concrete changes."
"I love you but I cannot live like this another X months/years."
"I need specific deadlines that I can track."

When he offers some non MB solution in response to my complaints:
"I still want to do MB"
"I am happy to do that but MB is my number one priority."
"That's fine but I would like to also do MB."
"We can do that and MB simultaneously"
"I will be able to tolerate this problem better if I know we are improving our marriage."


BTW, I had never complained before I discovered MB and at first I was a bit ...unleashed when I started. Now I make my point and don't belabor it.

He is seeing his Dr. in a month regarding a medical issue he believes is an obstacle. We have agreed we will start the program after that. SO, like I said - I haven't gotten him to actually do the program yet, so maybe my advice is worthless, but I'm hoping my phrasing will help you because your husband's reaction sounds similar to mine in some ways.

I wish you the best of luck!

Not to the right place aparently . Could someone send me in the right direction? Thanks, I sent it to the moderator....

Where did you send it?

Did you read the link I posted?

Oh, I'm sorry. I had read the response, apparently I completely overlooked the fact that you included the email address.... I apologize.

My husband was willing to read through all the basic concepts last night, very reluctantly, but was not willing to discuss any of it with me. The only comment he made at all is that "it was all stuff he had to do", which I don't see how he could think that it was all geared toward him....following the marriage builders program would require a lot of change in me as well. Which I would be glad to do if it helped our marriage.

Did you send the email to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com?

Yes I did and just got a reply. I don't know if they send a generic reply to everyone or if they read them first. The reply back said to call on a weekday morning and they would set up for me to call into the show.

Is this the typical response? Is there anyway to get any direct help without calling in? I honestly feel a little uncomfortable about that to be honest....even if it is anonymous.

Thanks so much for the thoughtful reply. And the helpful examples. How do you keep calm when such hurtful words are being used toward you (like in my case)? That's what I am afraid I will have the most difficulty with. It has become so common for us to say harsh things to each-other that I don't think he even seems to notice it.

This morning for example. I told him that he always talks down to me and he replied "F you" and hung up on me. When I asked him later why he would go straight to something so horrible, he said that I wasn't telling the truth, that he doesn't talk down to me. Now, not much later, he is acting nice, like nothing even happened. It really seems like no big deal to him, when we talk this way to each-other.

It sounds like you didn't send your phone #. Otherwise you would have gotten a call instead of a basic reply.

I would call the # they gave and discuss the above concerns. Or email back with your #.

I guess my concern was them calling when my husband was around and it just leading to another fight between us.

So you call them when he is not around. Find a time, find a way.

You have DidntQuit posting on your thread which is perfect as she is an expert on this problem. Keep the faith, this programme is all about respect. You can turn this around if you are both willing.

Thanks, all the advice is wonderful. I guess I am a little skeptical that such terrible habits can be broken, or that he will want to make the changes that it will take (on both ends), to help get us there.

JBKT16, that sounds so much like how Prisca and I used to be. We didn't have a lot of trouble being in love with each other, when we weren't fighting, because we were great at meeting each other's emotional needs. But we were terrible at love busters, and therefore we were terrible at resolving conflicts.

Something I'm seeing here is that you need to keep problems on the front burner. Your husband agreed to do Marriage Builders with you, but then nothing happened for a week. Instead of letting a week go by, bring it up EVERY DAY which will show him it is important to you. Your husband engages in selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. Each and every time this needs to go on a worksheet like Dr. Harley describes in Love Busters and you need to give him that worksheet each week and keep a record, with him striving to get that worksheet empty for an entire week at a time.

But for this to work you have got to bring it up and keep bringing it up - it is an issue, and it has got to stay an issue.

It is all right for him to feel jealous as long as he is not demanding, disrespectful, or angry about it. My wife feels very jealous of me at times and installs keyloggers on my computer and spyware and whatever else she feels is necessary to keep full tabs on me so that I couldn't have another relationship (even a casual acquaintance) without her knowledge - we are that integrated. But she is never demanding, disrespectful, or angry about it. If I do something that makes her feel bad, she tells me. If I continue to do something that makes her feel bad, especially a relationship that hurts her, she would simply expose that all over where it counts and let the rest of our family and friends reign me in - she wouldn't have to say anything demanding, disrespectful, or angry to me about it.

I believe you two need to work through the book Love Busters together, focusing on the first few chapters and exchanging the weekly worksheets Dr. Harley suggests, until the worksheets are empty. Then after Love Busters if you work through He Wins She Wins, you will probably have a great marriage, because it sounds like you already know how to meet each other's emotional needs. Along the way you will learn to resolve the difficulty that he is causing by not giving adequate time to meet your needs.

I would bring this up to your husband EVERY DAY. If he agrees one day, bring it up the next day until he does it. If he refuses or never gets around to it, keep bringing it up, but find out what Dr. Harley suggests.

I am hoping we will have a chance to talk some about it this evening. I have some questions about the undivided attention time. I know he will be skeptical and I want to be able to encourage the fact that we can really work in 15 hours.

We (really he) has a busy schedule that is physically exhausting at times. Once he is home he also wants to spend time with the kids, rest, take care of the yard, rest, etc. I know that our marriage needs to be first priority, and I want it to be, but I would love some examples of how or where you manage to fit your alone time in.

Also, we have two little boys that would need to be taken to grandparents houses anytime that we went out for a date. So I think we will need to find most of our hours at home, although I would love more "date nights" mixed in.

Anyone have any personal experiences they can share about how they found time to add more UA time in. Maybe give me a layout of how your typical week looks together. Especially if you have little ones.

Also, our kids are not "bad" by any means, but they can be very active little boys and are not the easiest to keep up with. Neither set of parents minds helping us out, but we do feel guilty asking for too much, because they have a hard time keeping up with them sometimes.

I like Marcos' idea of working through Lovebusters and exchanging the worksheets.

Would your husband agree to doing that? When you bring it up and he agrees, the next question is "How would you feel about doing that on Saturday morning at 10am while the boys watch a video?"

In order to rework your schedule to fit in UA time, you will need to plan 20 hours in at the beginning of every week. (We usually lose hours.)

As far as babysitting- I would start looking for other options for sitters. That way you can use your parents in a pinch or for long UA weekends.

I would suggest that you do a forum search for UA time in the title. You will see lots of threads about how to make these things happen. You are not the first person with this issue.

Also, if you pay for archive access to the radio show, you can search by topic, and Dr. Harley and Joyce discuss things like this in detail.

Remember that Dr. Harley has written his books with men in mind. He says that his concepts come naturally to many women, so it is the man who he is trying to teach. We women get into some pretty bad habits too, so the earlier you start to work on them, the less baggage and change is necessary. Good thing that you are doing something about all of this now.

Thank you very much for your reply. I can relate to what you are saying but I don't know if I would say "we are great at meeting each other's needs", but we do get along, enjoy each other's company and have things in common....when we are not fighting. The problem is now that most of the time it feels like neutral ground or we are fighting. He is also complaining some lately that I am not "fun or happy" anymore. Which is something I naturally am (happy / easy going). But for some reason he is not understanding that it is really hard to get "fun" with someone who just made you feel so poorly the day before. I am very forgiving and quick to move on but it is all starting to catch up to me.

But no matter what, you are correct it is the "love busters" that are killing us. I think if they were taken care of we would atleast begin to meet each other's needs....or at least we wouldn't be taking away from any positive feelings anymore.

Before the negative stuff got sooo big in our marriage, I never felt like we had / made enough time together. Even before kids came along. So you can imagine that after kids it has been even harder.

I do have a question for you about the jealousy issue, and the way y'all handle it. If this is too personal to ask, then I apologize... Has there been a past affair that created the jealousy or was it always there? Does it not bother you at all that she feels this way at all about you? This is something that has really hurt me time and time again throughout our marriage. I feel as though he has no faith in me or us, and I have never done anything to bring those feelings on. At first I tried to be considerate and understanding, but it seemed to only make the matter worse.

But you are right the jealousy / insecurity however it is stated, comes along with ugly looks, horrible words, demands, etc. So many it wouldn't bother me if he felt that way and knew how to handle it. At this point I can never imagine what that would be like. Everything associated with these feelings of his is negative or hurtful.

I am not trying to be skeptical. I love him and want the best for us and for him. I just feel worried that any progress will be undermined by the issue that we have had from day 1.

Thanks so much for the help!

I'll let the experts answer this in more detail - it sounds like Didn't Quit may have a lot more success here than me, but a couple thoughts:

My husband doesn't say hurtful things to me the way yours does so I am not dealing with that. Where he sounds similar to yours is that he is very avoidant/evasive of dealing with issues. He has several tactics, the main one to simply pretend the issues don't exist and go about his business as if everything is fine no matter what I say/do.

Regardless, I don't always keep calm. But I keep practicing and I am getting better, it's becoming more natural. When I lose my cool I reevaluate later (what will I say next time?) so I am ready.

Keep in mind that even the experts on here say it takes practice. I certainly don't always do this right. When I catch myself getting angry/accusatory now I try to just stop talking, exit, and calm down. But I do bring it back up because otherwise I'm rewarding his avoidance tactics.

Regarding the text I underlined:
First: Try to never start a complaint with "You always." "You always..." automatically brings out defensiveness and "talk down to me" may not be concrete enough for the garden variety man to comprehend.

I think a better approach than "why do you talk down to me" might be:
"I felt horrible when you said XYZ." (be specific about what he said) "I feel so frustrated and angry." or "I really cannot describe how bad that makes me feel." or "I actually feel sick to my stomach and find it hard to breathe..."

(I may be getting melodramatic but I literally do feel that in response to some things my husband says/does and I have started calmly informing him.)

When he acts jealous and unfairly accuses you of things you might also try (With genuine curiosity and concern, not indignation and hostility):

"Why do you think that?"
"What, specifically, have I said or done that makes you think that?"

If he tries to change gears like he was just joking or you're over-reacting, switch to "That isn't funny at all to me." or "I am NOT okay with you saying that to me." Or some of the above "I feel..." statements.

Try Emailing him? Prisca and Markos have a great marriage and they say they still use email for complaints.

Last night, I used email for the first time with (I think) success.
Not long after my post to you, we were having a nice conversation but he was talking really loud in a small room. I politely asked "Can you lower your voice?" He said "I hate it when you say that!" and stormed out of the room. Then refused to talk to me seriously and ridiculed my aversion to loud noise (from another room). I was so angry I wanted to smash something.

Later after we both calmed down he apologized but I sent him an email regardless saying I loved him but also saying that I need to be able to ask him to lower his voice and I stated some other concerns. I won't post it all here because re-reading it I think it was probably not as DJ-free as I believed at the time. But I did have this one sentence that I think is pretty good:

"I feel furious and hopeless for our future when I am trying to talk to you seriously and you walk away or make jokes or ignore me and dismiss me and my concerns."

LASTLY
I wanted to add to the phrases I've been using in my first post to you - I have also been telling him that the state of our marriage/lives is starting to affect my health. Because it really is and how can he argue that change is not necessary if my health is at risk?

Listening to MB radio every day also helps me gain perspective.