I am going to go ahead and be upfront, this post might be long, but I am truly at a loss with what has gone on in my life the last year. I hope I can explain this well and I appreciate any responses.

First off, let me give you the details of my marriage. My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years, we have been together for 22 years. We started dating in high school and aside from a couple of break-ups, the longest lasting almost a month, we have been together ever since. We have two daughters, 11 and 7. We both are working professionals.

I love my wife and have as long as I can remember. Last year I had an affair with a co-worker, she was younger by 12 years, the affair started as text messages, that turned into at times long phone conversations, glances and waves at work. This escalated into me leaving work early and going over to her apartment to hang out, the first time nothing went on other than kissing, however, my wife went out of town with our kids and I ended up staying the night at the OW apartment and having sex. I ended up going over to her apartment a couple of more times and the last time I was there I had sex with her. A few days later the Sunday before Memorial day, the OW sent me a text that my wife saw exposing the affair.

That day I admitted to the affair, but not to a lot of the details. The next day on memorial day I had a panic attack, was taken to the ER, after visits to my primary physician and a therapist, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and apparently I had been suffering from depression for a couple of years, my wife was in complete agreement with the doctor and therapist diagnosis after she told them what she had witnessed with my behavior, even before the affair.

My wife could not have been more supportive during this, willing to work on my problems, taking care of me mentally and physically. My biggest issue was my inability to come clean to my wife about the details of the affair. In the beginning I kept saying that it was not sexual, just texting and talking. However, my wife confronted me and I confessed to the sexual activity. This event sent me into a terrible spiral, where I had a terrible panic attack and spent 3 days recovering with my mom, because I had suicidal comments and thoughts. Over the next 6 months the details of the affair slowly trickled out, which was terrible for my wife, I just simply could not divulge all of the terrible details. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted by my actions. This was an ongoing process till this February, where I finally came clean. It was terrible for my wife, because she would get it in bits and pieces and never believed anything I said because, I lied to cover up so much in the beginning, she does not believe anything I say.

Now, we are battling a another issue, I have never been good at sharing my feelings with my wife. I grew up in a home that never shared anything, the opposite of my wife, my parents separated when I was 12. Now, when something comes up about the affair or one of our triggers because of the affair, I avoid the conversation or try to change the subject. I have tried to fix this several times, it is difficult to resist the impulse to deflect and not talk about it. Over the last month we have dealt with several of this issues and now my wife says she is done, does not want to talk to me, says she wants a divorce, says she just wants to co-exist until school is out for summer, then she or I will move out. I have promised my wife several time that I would fix my behavior and I keep letting her down, I tell her all the time that I do not want to act like I am, but now It seems like it can't be fixed, because she says I keep saying the same things, she says if I truly wanted to save our marriage I would have fixed myself by now. We do see a therapist every week and talk about what is going on and how to improve, but I feel now that my wife is done with me.

Hi NTX, welcome to Marriage Builders. We can help you save your marriage if you and your wife are willing to follow this step by step plan. Many of us have recovered our marriages and have better marriages today than before the affair. The GOAL of Marriage Builders is to a) affair proof the marriage and b) create a romantic relationship with your wife.

But before that can happen, the items on this checklist have to be completed. Can you tell me where you stand in conjunction to this list?

Also, why is your wife "done?" Will she come here so we can help her?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Do you still work with the OW?

Welcome to MB

Regardless of whether or not your BW wants a divorce, you continue to fix your behavior...period. She will not want to give you any chance if you acting right is based on what you get out of it from her.

No, I have changed jobs, changed cell numbers, I have an app on my phone that I use to check in, I do not text anyone other than my wife, I quit using all social media.

Who has your affair been exposed to?

How close does OW live to you and BW?

Trickle truth is a death of a thousand cuts for a BS. That you did it for months it is very understandable why your wife is "done." Plus it sounds like on top of the trauma she has had to deal with that you fall apart on her as well. What are you going to do to give your BW Just Compensation and show her you are serious...because so far you have not shown that at all. You being a crying mess on the floor as if you are the victim here is the last thing she needs. Do you get that?

ETA: I would also imagine that UA time is non-existent or like torture for her if your emotions are still out of whack.

Are you going to answer these questions or are you bailing after two posts?