Can you raise these boys as a single mother?

You and your husband have developed a lot of terrible habits in your marriage that will lead to the demise of your marriage. IT will take a radical overhaul to turn this around. I see you trying to fiddle around the edges in the hopes that this will be enough. It will not be. Half measures will avail you nothing. Take it from people who have transformed their marriages.

Instead of coming up with a million reasons why you CAN'T do this program, I would use that energy looking for solutions. Otherwise you are wasting our time and yours.

And don't tell me you can't do the UA time or that your husband HAS TO have a 2nd job. We have people here who have 7 kids, with an infant, who manage to do this.

I don't know how to break up the quotes like you did or I would. I don't want to just scrape the edges, I want a full happy healthy marriage and honestly believe that we could have that. Also, I am still in love with him, and do care about him very much, but it is getting harder and harder to keep the feeling. He claims he still is in love with me, but I can't speak for him, only for myself.

I don't feel like we are headed for divorce, I feel like we are headed for a life of misery if things don't change. (But they are equally unappealing / so I understand the point).

As for the program teaching him how to handle the love busters that is what I pray could happen. It is like something else takes over him when he has these feelings, like I am not even dealing with the person I married.

As for the career, I just don't see how it is the problem. For example, before kids came along, even with the busy career, we had plenty of time we could have enjoyed each other and did not take advantage of it. So WE were the problem, not the career. I don't think he wanted to neglect me, just did not realize the importance. He is admitting now, that time is a huge part of what we need, so I am hopeful that we can change. Getting a different career would not change us and would also make him unhappy with that aspect of his life.

I will began to stress the importance of us getting out of the house together and find ways to make it happen. To add to everything we need to accomplish his mom is now in the hospital for at least a couple weeks. So now we only have one set of grandparents to turn to, but I know we are blessed to have that! We never have until now.

JBT, his career is just fine as long as you can get 4 - 4 hour dates out of the house every week and follow the program. And yes, you are headed to divorce. You aren't coming here because you are happy in your marriage, so please don't try to tell me everything is fine. And I do realize you had another posting name previously because I recognize the story. [bb? something?]

Can you follow the program or not? If you can, I would be glad to help you. If you refuse to follow the program, you are wasting our time.

Isn't this you? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2853719&page=1

Sorry, I did not see this yet when I replied a while ago. I am certainly not trying to waste anyone's time. I very much appreciate all the help and advice y'all are giving me.

Just to clarify, he does not have a second job, this IS his job, his only job.

I do agree that it will take a radical overhaul to change our marriage, and I am willing and wanting to do the program. That is exactly why I am here wanting help, and asking for feedback.

I can not do the program alone, I have to have my husband on board to make it successful. If I went to him and said "you need a different career for us to save our marriage" his willingness to try would be over.

I don't want to hit only the edges, I guess I was thinking of it like steps in the right direction. For example, we both committed to the joint agreement, to sitting down on Sundays to plan our week out, and to stop the love busters (which I know will be a work in progress, but I do believe we are both serious about it). To me these are huge steps in the right direction. Maybe we are only scratching the surface at this point, but don't we have to start somewhere, these changes are to big to just happen overnight.

What am I saying to come across so wrong? How long did it take some of you couples who have successfully turned around a marriage? I'm assuming it is a process not an immediate answer. We already had some successful negotiations last night. Just on day 1 of trying to make a change.

Yes it is. I tried to log -in as that screen name but it continued to tell me I had the wrong info, so I eventually just created a new one. At that point I was in a really bad mind frame with him. I was to the point of giving up and becoming very depressed over it. I never asked him to work through the program with me at that point, and I know I was very defensive and angry.

Things got better for a little while and I got so hopeful that maybe our bad period was over. But I have now realized that each time they are better, it will only be temporary until we make changes in ourselves. Including myself. I have been reading the site for weeks before I came here to ask questions this time. I wanted to educate myself more and begin to attempt to change my responses to him. Something that he acknowledged last night that I was doing a better job with.

JBKT - my husband and I work crazy hours too. But we are still able to get our UA time. Sit down together with a schedule grid covering 7 24 hour periods. PUt in UA time. Then everything else. What you put in first gets done. The other stuff can be made to fit around it.

Thank you for the encouragement. Are all of your hours out of the house or is it mixed? That is the hardest part I am having trouble wrapping my mind around.

I agree everything is NOT fine, it is not even ok. It is bad. Yes, we do have times where we are "fine" but I know they are only temporary. All I was saying is that I have no intentions of getting divorced, and he doesn't either. So where does that leave us, just being unhappy? I know we could be happy and that is why I am here.

I do want to do the program and I do want help. If you read through any of the other post I made previously I hope you can see that I have had a different mindframe, and I have learned about the program. Before I just stumbled upon the board, not knowing anything about it before asking for help.

Ok, if you are both committed, then start with these 2 steps: schedule 20 hours per week of UA [4-4 hour dates] time using this schedule: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4508_tuaw.html. Click on that link and then click on the PDF link and download and print up the PDF. AND focus all of your attention on eliminating love busters. The POJA can come later.

Do you have the book Lovebusters?

Also, tell me again when you are speaking to the Harleys? Are you getting help from them?

So we shouldn't implement the POJA yet? I think some of our biggest love busters are independent behaviors (which also lead to the angry outburst,etc.), on both sides, so I guess I assumed that the POJA could help us start avoiding love busters.

I have read every article and basically everything on the website. So I have learned about what they are, but have not read the actual book.

I will head to the link you sent now...

Let me explain why these 2 first steps are SO CRITICAL to your plan. They will create the greatest love bank deposits the fastest, which will motivate you both to go out on your dates. When you are passionately in love, you don't have to be prodded to find 15-20 hours per week; you will be refusing to miss your dates. You will be treating it as importantly as you do your jobs and won't be willing to cut corners.

NO, don't try to use the POJA until you have eliminated love busters. The POJA will go much smoother when you a) you have eliminated love busters and b) you are in love.


Order the book today. You need to have the book and go through the lessons in the back. I would also order the workbook because it has all of the worksheets and several good lessons in it.

I do want help from them, but to be honest, I am a little nervous about this. I feel like I would be betraying him by talking to them behind his back, but I am pretty sure he wouldn't be on board with it. I don't want to backtrack now that he says he is willing to try.

Along these same lines....I honestly feel like I shouldn't be on here asking for help, but I am so desperate and am only wanting to help us. Would coming here be a violation to the POJA?

Ok, I will do that. Can we begin practicing the ideas of the POJA? This is what we did last night, and it really seemed to work. How do you know when the time is right to implement it? I was also thinking it could help alleviate some of his insecurities.

Is the workbook you are referring to the "5 steps to..."?

I've found that in any job that involves managing people, it is easy to let the time devoted to work activities to get out of hand. There are 7 days in a week, 168 hours. UA only takes 10%. If you spent 4 evenings a week out on those 4 hour dates, that leaves 3 other evenings for other activities. Plus there is time on the weekend days for most people.