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Why would you text messages someone you want to cut out?
Are you willing to follow the checklist posted in your future marriage? I would rather text than run into her. The text is simple, "I'm going to xxx tonite" The response is "K"... that's it. What checklist did I post? Listen, you can forget about Marriage Builder and go to strangers on the street about your texting theory and ask how to stop thinking about her. Most will say dont text her and cut her out of your life. Your plan isnt going to work.
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Old girlfriends are like old tax returns.
Keep them on file for a few years then burn them.
I learned that at the Jedi Academy when we watched the movie Scrooged in the mess hall.
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I've cut all communication, except we've agreed to occasionally text Then you won't be able to get her out of your head. Simples, really. What advice does Dr H give when you are likely to run into the OP? It's on the main SAA pages. Do you know?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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You can start by reading the basic concepts on this site and acknowledging that this is an affair situation and ask to have this moved to SAA.
You were told a while ago that this woman was an OW and you are here still acting as if this is a "dating" situation and attacking members who tell you differently.
You are talking about moving in with someone, having opposite sex friendships when that is not MB approved among other things, and again, attacking members who point out that this is not MB.
What is the point if you haven't read the basic concepts and aren't here to actually implement MB?? I am being dead serious. This isn't a debate forum or a forum for you to air your opinions that are in contradiction to Dr Harley's. Sounds fair. I've read all of the basic concepts and have no problem learning from them. I understand that the woman was an OW... did that end with divorce or is she still the OW? When I joined this form, I had no clue what an OW was, so I called her my GF. I'll call her whatever you deem appropriate. I'll not talk about the other women that are friends. I will not debate that. Done. I'm here to learn.
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Follow the checklist 100%. Move if needed to get away from OW. Read SAA. Call doctor Harley. Stop defending adultery. Accept 100% responsibility for all of your actions. Stop saying rude things to the people here. Accept that you are not going to "get it" for a while. Suspend your disbelief and work the steps you have been given, especially from people like Melodylane because they will give you the unvarnished truth. Expect us to call a spade a Spade.
Finally, hit "notify" at the bottom of this post and ask the moderators to move the thread to SAA because that is what you are really doing. Forgive me if I'm ignorant but don't know what SAA is, a search shows nothing. I'll accept 100% responsibility for my actions, I know that some were not the best choice.
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I've had many friends of the opposite sex as my ex wife has had. There's no reason to believe that they all have the potential of an affair. This is the post to the person who told you that you are at cross-purposes with this forum because we are here to help people implement MB, that you attacked? Dr Harley advises AGAINST opposite sex friendship in marriage. Yours led to an affair. And yet, you are here, still arguing it? This isn't a platform for YOUR opinions. Do you realize that? Yes, I will not discuss friendships with other women any more. Done.
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Any relationship that started before divorce is ALWAYS AND FOREVER adultery.
Have you downloaded the book yet? Read the words from the man himself.
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SAA = Surviving An Affair
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Why would you text messages someone you want to cut out?
Are you willing to follow the checklist posted in your future marriage? I would rather text than run into her. The text is simple, "I'm going to xxx tonite" The response is "K"... that's it. Dr. Harley says it's usually impossible to recover a relationship if you are still living in an area where either of you might run into the affair partner. You are not going to be able to get her out of your head if you live in circumstances where you might run into her, and especially if you are texting her about your daily events. That's going to remind you about her all the time. You asked how to get her out of your head. This is how to do it. Thanks for the comments, I don't give her ANY information about my daily events... None, period. She texts when she's going to a common place and I avoid. No details. Yes, I live in the area and it's fairly easy to avoid each other. We have not seen each other, nor emailed, talked at all since we parted.... only the text from her to avoid her. Moving is just not an option, so I have to deal with that. Since leaving her, the emotions have subsided a lot... just need more time to be sure. Whatever it takes.
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Why would you text messages someone you want to cut out?
Are you willing to follow the checklist posted in your future marriage? I would rather text than run into her. The text is simple, "I'm going to xxx tonite" The response is "K"... that's it. Dr. Harley says it's usually impossible to recover a relationship if you are still living in an area where either of you might run into the affair partner. You are not going to be able to get her out of your head if you live in circumstances where you might run into her, and especially if you are texting her about your daily events. That's going to remind you about her all the time. You asked how to get her out of your head. This is how to do it. Thanks for the comments, I don't give her ANY information about my daily events... None, period. She texts when she's going to a common place and I avoid. No details. Yes, I live in the area and it's fairly easy to avoid each other. We have not seen each other, nor emailed, talked at all since we parted.... only the text from her to avoid her. Moving is just not an option, so I have to deal with that. Since leaving her, the emotions have subsided a lot... just need more time to be sure. Whatever it takes. Again.....you need to read through the affair articles and have this thread moved to SaA forum.
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What checklist did I post? It's the checklist that you were advised to read up on in terms of ending your affair/relationship with the OW pages ago. Did you even read it? No, that's right, you were too busy posting about how you believe opposite sex friendships are fine, even though yours led to an affair. The list that was posted, I did most everything on that list. A few were not appropriate as I don't have a job.
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Well then you need to re-read it because you still believe contact with the OW is OK when it is not.
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All,
Looking for advice on bringing closure to leaving a former girl friend. We were very close over the last year, living together, and were planning a life together. However, there were a few issues we couldn't solve (with counseling) that we both knew would be a problem. I left her just over a month ago, and we both knew the end was coming. I cared for her deeply and need to get past that and put her behind me. We have agreed to not contact each other, only as necessary to avoid seeing each other at place we both patronize, and have not seen, talked or emailed each other since we parted.
I'm with another lady, whom I've always cared about, and used to be married to. We have both turned over a new leaf, cleaned the slate and starting over, with a ton of great memories. She is very sympathetic and understand, but I don't want to burden her with my past relationship, but instead, promote an understanding and caring between us that will be meaningful.
Goal is to get the old girlfriend out of my mind. I am trying to keep busy, exercise, don't to things that remind me of her, but almost impossible.
Other thoughts? You were here two years ago and it was brought to your attention that this was an affair. You even told MelodyLane that you were ending the affair in large part due to the fact that she opened your eyes to how the relationship was an affair. Yet you come back here and are pretending like this is a girlfriend situation two years later? You realize that there are many BSs and FWSs here who don't appreciate dishonesty and manipulation, right? Not to mention that you have been here for two years and don't seem to understand the most basic of concepts, one being NC for life with an affair partner and avoiding opposite sex friendships in marriage. I have no intention of being dishonest and manipulation. When I joined this forum, I had no idea what an OW was.... I was naive. I understand now. I'm not pretending the the OW is a GF, as I thought that was the case from day one. Now, if she's still the OW way after the divorce, I'll call her that.
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You should get a new number or trade phones with your wife.
Last edited by apples123; 05/14/15 06:05 PM.
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Why would you text messages someone you want to cut out?
Are you willing to follow the checklist posted in your future marriage? I would rather text than run into her. The text is simple, "I'm going to xxx tonite" The response is "K"... that's it. Dr. Harley says it's usually impossible to recover a relationship if you are still living in an area where either of you might run into the affair partner. You are not going to be able to get her out of your head if you live in circumstances where you might run into her, and especially if you are texting her about your daily events. That's going to remind you about her all the time. You asked how to get her out of your head. This is how to do it. Thanks for the comments, I don't give her ANY information about my daily events... None, period. She texts when she's going to a common place and I avoid. No details. Yes, I live in the area and it's fairly easy to avoid each other. We have not seen each other, nor emailed, talked at all since we parted.... only the text from her to avoid her. Moving is just not an option, so I have to deal with that. Since leaving her, the emotions have subsided a lot... just need more time to be sure. Whatever it takes. Try it your way. Since you don't want a marriage it's all moot anyway. Come back if you want to do MB. My parting advice is to make sure your betrayed wife is eating and sleeping OK. That much effort at least.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Homelover, unless we see a sign that you are serious about using this program, we will lock this thread. Threads like these take away from others who are in serious need of help. Please define your plan to use this program. Otherwise, this thread will be locked. Toujours, I totally understand. Please understand, that I have tried to be honest with this group, only looking for help. There are a few things that I disagree with and tried to be honest about them. I have a wonderful counselor that has given me great advise, and not totally in line with Dr. Harley's. I hope that doesn't mean it's wrong, it's just different. He has guided me into a position of being back with my ex wife, but didn't demand that I did anything. He pointed out the goods and bads of my situation and was extremely helpful. He is a minister and a really top notch gentleman and a lot of what I've posted here has come from his wisdom. I'm only looking for help, or I wouldn't be here.
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What checklist did I post? It's the checklist that you were advised to read up on in terms of ending your affair/relationship with the OW pages ago. Did you even read it? No, that's right, you were too busy posting about how you believe opposite sex friendships are fine, even though yours led to an affair. The list that was posted, I did most everything on that list. A few were not appropriate as I don't have a job. Not even close. You've done none of it. That's because recovery doesn't even start until all affair contact is over and MARRIAGE recovery begins. Extraordinary precautions include moving. The checklist doesn't even start till you change numbers and cannot run into her ever again. It's not a 'do some easy ones' list it's a complete, do not skip vital stages checklist.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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My summary of the concepts:
Part 1: protect the marriage from outside threats. That includes opposite sex friends, old lovers, born, etc., that could set up an unfavorable comparison or provide an opportunity for an affair. That also includes any unsupportive family or friends, especially people who supported the affair. (Extraordinary Precautions)
Part 2: create a romantic marriage by meeting each others needs and avoid things that bother your spouse (Emotional Needs and Lovebusters)
I think it would be interesting for you to call Dr. Harley. I think you will find that both parts are necessary for a safe, fun marriage.
Last edited by apples123; 05/14/15 06:17 PM.
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Will your ex-wife come here and start her own thread?
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What checklist did I post? It's the checklist that you were advised to read up on in terms of ending your affair/relationship with the OW pages ago. Did you even read it? No, that's right, you were too busy posting about how you believe opposite sex friendships are fine, even though yours led to an affair. The list that was posted, I did most everything on that list. A few were not appropriate as I don't have a job. Not even close. You've done none of it. That's because recovery doesn't even start until all affair contact is over and MARRIAGE recovery begins. Extraordinary precautions include moving. The checklist doesn't even start till you change numbers and cannot run into her ever again. It's not a 'do some easy ones' list it's a complete, do not skip vital stages checklist. I wish it were that easy.... sometimes there are things that just can't be done. I'm doing the best I can, and for now, it's working well. Yes, I'm close but just can't do all of it 100%, just impossible.
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