Yes, we leave the house.

5 Steps to Romantic Love is the Workbook that goes with Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs.

POJA is for recovery and you are not in recovery. So, you should post here and you most certainly speak to the Harleys. It is not "betraying" your husband to get help for your marriage.

By all means, stop engaging in independent behavior [other than seeking help for your marriage] and don't do anything to aggravate the situation. But you will start using the POJA down the road when you have eliminated love busters and built up some love bank deposits.

Thanks again for your advice... We don't spend any time at home on job related stuff believe it or not. We are some of the few teachers out there that manage to be good teachers without bringing stuff home. I work really hard to make sure I get all grading etc done during the day, and besides the first couple years have never had to bring stuff home. In the past he had a hard time seperating work from family when he came home (was always taking parent phone calls etc) but he has changed that and really does rarely do anything job related while at home.

The problem is really my husbands career is NOT 9-5 with 5 nights a week available. His job is seasonal in a way, during football season, he is not available but 3, possibly 4, nights a week. 2 of those being on the weekend. At his old school, he did not even get the weekend. That was one more motivation factor for us changing locations this past year. This schools head coach is much less demanding here than at previous locations. But during other times of year is available much more. During the Summer we have even more time than the average family considering we are both teachers. He does work some during the summer but it is not like having a 9-5 job.

Health and safety is an exception to the PoJA and that almost always includes bad marital situations. Women in particular can become very seriously depressed in a poor marriage.

It's a temporary emergency measure - your long term goal is to ensure he is happy in the marriage you create too.

Depression is a true and present danger. I never thought I was particularly, but when I got out of my bad marriage it was like I saw the sun shine for the first time.

Thanks, I was assuming so... Both of them have been ordered but will take a few days to get here.

I have stopped the "independent behaviors" since reading through everything on the site in the last couple of weeks. I never did have that issue in the beginning of our marriage, I think somehow it became my defense mechanism for the fact that he was hurting me so bad and so often.

Thank you for the input on this. I would love to hear others opinions about it as well. I have always prided myself in being completely open and honest. Not just with my husband but in general as well. I think that is one reason why I was so hurt by some of the things he implied about me, when I know that is not who I am (as does he).

So a part of me feels very guilty being hear, talking to outsiders. But I do feel like I am only here for the sake of helping to create a healthy marriage.

JBK, you should be open and honest with your husband. But you and your H do not use the POJA yet because you are not in recovery. So you should contact Dr Harley and get his opinion and then share that with your husband. HOWEVER, I would not show him this thread until your recovery is under way and the love busters have been eliminated from your marriage. Sometimes being "open and honest" in a dysfunctional situation causes more harm than good so you need to be sure it won't harm your marriage.

The opinion I am giving you is one I have heard from Dr Harley. If you think I am giving you advice that doesn't line up with his opinion, then please feel free to notify the moderators so they can remove my posts. This is not a personal opinion venue.

This is a step by step plan. You can't be honest until you have removed lovebusters.

Obviously you need help to do that.

I know all about not having a 9-5 job. You still mentioned having 3-4 nights per week in the busiest of times. Use all of those. If needed, add a morning date on the weekends.

If he worked however many nights and then we used all the rest for us, our kids would never see their dad, not one night a week??? That is not healthy either. I understand that our marriage is more important than being with the kids and that it will benefit the kids in the long run, but there is no way I would go three months of my kids not seeing their dad but a couple hours a week.

I guess we will worry about football when it gets here. Hopefully we will be able to make a lot of progress this Summer before we have to come up with more creative solutions for football season.

And when I say 3 or 4 nights a week I mean he is home before bed time vs getting home after everyone is in bed (I wait on the couch for him on late nights).

This post tells me you don't understand your marriage is more important. If he has a career that does not accommodate your marriage and your family time, then the career is the problem.

Keep in mind, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. We are just telling you what it will take to change your marriage. If you cant do these things, then you won't change your marriage.

I am getting weary of hearing you "can't do" this or "can't do" that. Fine, don't do it. It is all the same to me.

You continually insist that we change our advice to suit your CURRENT LIFESTYLE [the one that has created a terrible marriage] instead of changing your lifestyle to suit the advice. As long as that is the case, you will continue to get what you always got.

Like I said earlier: it will take a RADICAL CHANGE in your lives to change your marriage. If you refuse to do that, you will always have the same thing.

The UA time is so critically important to the success of this plan that when Dr Harley was in private practice, he turned away any client who would not commit to this step "because my program won't work without it."

So, you are wasting your time and ours if this doesn't change.

Dr. Harley recommends you schedule 15-30 hours a week for your marriage, and 15 hours a week for your children.

Subtracting 8 hours for sleep every night and 50 hours for work during the week leaves another 32 hours free. That would permit working 82 hours a week if you both really want him to.

I'm sorry that I am coming across in such a manner to you. I am only saying "I can't" when they are things that are out of my control. If you were suggesting I should re-evaluate MY career, and my career was interfering with our marriage then I would absolutely consider my options. But this is not my career it is my husbands. Discussing my husbands career doesn't seem like it will help solve the problem because I know he will not change careers.

So I guess I want to do everything I can possibly do to improve / change our marriage that is in my power to do. I am not trying to make excuses or be difficult but his career is not going to change. So I would love advice that will help me change our marriage in spite of that.

And yes, his career does and always will interfere with our marriage, but I have hope that it could be a good marriage in spite of this.

I want to have y'all to encourage me and guide me and I am not sure what I am doing wrong to have that here....

High school football is generally afternoon practice and one game night per week. Why is it taking so much of evening times?

Sounds like time is being used unproductively so where. Are y'all watching TV? Part of a club? Avid church goers?

And that leaves 40 week with little time pressure.

Oh no, high school football(especially Tx football) is much more than one night a week and short afternoon practices. This is not just my husband being there is the requirements of all the staff. It's not like he stays after others have been released. In fact, sometimes they tease him about being the first out the door.

They have two game nights a week (one sub-varsity and one varsity) coaches have responsibilities on both nights. He is also the one stuck driving the bus a lot of times....