!

I did just look it up.....thank you for the info. What do you mean gaslight myself?

I have owned my faults right from the start, and apologized to him for those faults. Whether he was open to hearing them or not, I don't know, it was in writing, and not in person.

One thing I never did with him was play the blame game, I always felt I could only control me, and my faults. Only he could look deep within himself to realize what his faults are, but he's not ready to do that yet.

I have never been a person to walk away from or hide from my own mistakes. It's easier just to confront them head on when they've been brought to your attention. I looked deep within myself to ask myself what I could have done differently, and there was plenty that I could have definitely done different.

Yes but don't give thought to those things until you have a faithful partner to improve with. You did not get a vote in the A and your role in the relationship is all totally moot while the A is ON.

He could easily, easily have remained faithful, made a complaint and indicated that the complaint was marriage-ending serious.

He did not because it is actually just the A causing the problems.

Blaming an A on a BS is like saying you axe murdered someone because of a papercut.

I always enjoy reading your insights, indiegirl.

Marital property can be moved by either of you. In your case you can argue that you were worried because the locks were damaged and moved precious items to a more secure location. Unless you know that the trailer will not be visible, I think I would probably move them out of the trailer otherwise he may just break into it

My XH emptied the marital residence and took the entire contents including things I had inherited from my grandmother and put them in a storage unit in another country. Six years later I have yet to recover a single thing despite spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees. Definitely pre-empt him on this.

The big give away (I've learned) is that the complaints a man will make up during an affair are :1) vague--"you don't make me feel like a man." He couldn't explain how I emasculated him. I just did. 2) from years ago and you don't even do it anymore. "You got upset that you didn't do well when you played that sport." 3) Turning valid feelings of a past bad circumstance around on you-- "you were so upset that were in that bad job." 4) just patently crazy--"you waited three days to fold the laundry!!"

These things are to make you feel that you are a fault and to make you walk on eggshells ("what can I do better!! What can I do better!!!) in order to keep you in line while the affair goes on.

In Plan B you might gain more perspective on what you could have improved in the marriage. I for, example, felt very entitled to angry outbursts and while I didn't do them very often, I can see now how that is a love buster. HOWEVER (and this is a big however), my WH's independent behavior and willingness to gain at my expense were the real issues. He has poor boundaries that led to the affair and once he crossed some line in his head, he felt entitled to do whatever he wanted.

So, by all means reflect. You were in a marriage that had issues (we all were), but you didn't make him cheat. That is the REAL issue here and anyone with half a brain cell will see that.

Ok, I need help quickly with a decision. I got in this morn to see the lawyer, and going back in an hour. To file a restraining order for harassment is $3,000. I don't have that. To divorce is cheaper, but she said the judge will be the one to decide how far past 120 days the divorce will be set.

Will legal separation be better?

I'm so confused! Help!

Anyone?

You will be so glad you filed that restraining order. Can you bring down the price by doing some of the work yourself?

I have no idea what to do, but I will ask.

I'm waiting for H to make the deposit so I can withdraw half the account, but he hasn't done it yet. The restraining order will take everything I have.

I would focus on the legal separation or divorce, safeguarding your assets right now is top priority I think.

Once you are in Plan B, if he threatens or harasses you get the police involved. I have been a domestic violence victim advocate in the past and we got OFP's all the time and it cost the victim who was being threatened nothing, so I'm not sure why you are having to pay for one.

What is OFP?

And at this point, which would be better, legal separation or divorce? I don't want a quickie divorce.

Ginger,

How is it that expensive? The actual filing should not be more that a couple of hundred at most. Is that just the retainer for the attorney?

Are there any rules of conduct that need to be followed when you file for divorce in your state? For example, there are rules in my state that he can't harass you, etc once you have filed. Then you can get a DV restraining order against him.

I would file for divorce rather than Legal separation. The filing fees are the same.

Sorry 'Order For Protection is what we obtain for a domestic violence victim. I don't know if RO's are the same or different but if you have a reason for filing for it, such as harassment or threats, I don't know why you have to pay for it. Hopefully someone with more experience with RO's can weigh in here?

If the 120 day divorce is not something you want, I would do a legal separation for now. Keep in mind though, that your chances of recovering a marriage with a serial cheater are very, very small (that is, truly recovering and creating an affair proof marriage, not just settling for crumbs waiting for the next shoe to drop). And if you did divorce you could still remarry if he was willing to do the program, we have some posters who have done just that.

Call another attorney this minute and ask them if it is in a reasonable price range. Doesn't sound reasonable to me.

cost of restraining order:
http://www.co.marathon.wi.us/Depart...mation/TemporaryRestrainingOrderFAQ.aspx

cost of divorce:
http://www.google.de/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCIQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lowconflictdivorce.net%2FWisconsin-Family-Law-FAQ.shtml&ei=VghaVbnEFsOtswGQnoDQDw&usg=AFQjCNGesdqXliWLdbAxWppw-8AV8Ws_Tw&sig2=_MvcGJzfTY_dWsXfHBOBIg&bvm=bv.93564037,d.bGg&cad=rja

Are you sure the $3,000.00 fee is JUST for the Restraining Order, or Order Of Protection?

That seems as if it would encompass the Retainer Fee for the Filing of either Divorce or Legal Separation.

Contact a Womans Abuse Shelter. They will assist you.

The RO is a Very simple order to have granted, especially on a temporary basis and you can motion that up yourself ex-parte, meaning he does not have to even be present in court in many jurisdictions, just based on his threats and your fear of his behavior.

Call a Womans Shelter for advice and referrals.

LTL

Did you also inquire if your jurisdiction has a "Leveling The Playing Field" statute, whereby the spouse with the majority of the income must pay for the financially disadvantaged spouses legal costs and fees?

LTL

Filing for divorce is a Better option than separation.
Waywards just use separation as an excuse to cheat.