Wow, that's a really late bedtime for kids the age of yours.

You keep focusing on problems. Any solutions in mind?

I don't want the results without any of the work. I am willing to put in the work, but "it takes 2 to tango". My husband on the other hand, claims he wants a better marriage than we have now, but I'm not so sure he is willing to make much change. To be honest, I think he thinks we are "ok" until some big explosion happens between us, then he wants things to be better.

For example, I brought up some of this last night, and his response was "I thought we were good..." Yes, we were good in the sense that we were not fighting and had not been fighting since we discussed the program. My response was "you're right we have been better, but just because we aren't arguing doesn't mean we have fixed all our issues." I don't think he realizes that it will have to be a lifestyle change, something we are working on on a daily basis. Then he makes me feel like I am just an annoying nagging wife, that doesn't know how to just be, and that is not what I want at all.

And you are correct, that "somewhere" has always been when other things mattered more. Not just the job, a combination of things, there is always something.

My kids sleep great at night, take good naps, and are happy. Most of the other parents of little kids I talk to have similar bed times (maybe a little earlier) and majority of them do NOT sleep through the night. I appreciate all your advice but that comment seemed very judgmental.

You're right we are focusing on the problems. Every solution that comes to my mind or gets talked about on here, I get told, won't work. So I guess I am running out of ideas.

Actually, you mean you won't work. The ideas will work, but you won't because you are not willing to change. If you want things to change then you have to accept that it will take a radical change in your marriage.

No, I work 80 hours per week and still get at least 15hours with my husband. But you must schedule it! Or it never happens.

Also, it isn't football season now, so y'all should be getting a ton of UA and FC time in.

Do y'all watch TV? Because something is eating up time. [/quote]

You're right it is not football season it is baseball season. They were just knocked out of the playoffs last week, so this is our first week of not being "in- season" besides the holidays.

What is FC time again, sorry I know UA, but not FC.

No, we really don't watch a lot of tv, after he falls asleep on the couch I watch recorded shows, but that is not until after there is no hope of spending any time together. There is just always something.

Last night for example.... it was the first night since we talked about the program that we really had a chance to spend time together. (The whole family was sick over the weekend). He actually got done at school by 4pm, which is probably the earliest all year. So he calls and says since he is out early, he is going to go by and visit his mom in the hospital. I was dissapointed because I knew it was also the first time for us to have some family time (the kids had really been missing him, as well as me) and hopefully some UA time.

What am I supposed to say, his sister is already giving him a hard time about having to be up there a lot and him not being there. He is trying to go as much as he can, but he has us and a job. She recently moved back and does not have a job yet, and does not have kids.

After he gets home, he decides to clean the room that the dog stays in and put down this anti-bug stuff. All things that he had planned to do over the weekend, before he (we) got sick. When I complain, he says, "you would rather this place go completely to hell, just so we can talk, than for me to get something done".

This was insulting for numerous reasons. 1) He makes it sound as if I am a lazy slob, who doesn't clean the house. 2) I do probably 85% of everything around the house, and take care of the kids. 3.) I didn't even want to "talk" in the way he was making it sound, I just wanted to spend some time together.

He really just doesn't seem to get it. It doesn't help that he just can't sit still. He has to be going going going or else he just goes to sleep. And that is not about me, he is like that all the time, whether I am around or not, and always has been.

You have a million and one reasons why you can't do this or that. If you spent that same effort focusing on ways to make it work, I suspect you would have a great marriage today. But you seem to believe that half measures and fiddling around the edges ["working on communication"] will avail you anything. It won't. And how do we know? Most of us here have been through the Marriage Builders course, have great marriages today and know what works.

The first step in the process is for YOU to get serious. That is the first step. You CAN do these things.

YOU don't get it. How is he supposed to know what you want if you don't tell him? Have you told him you are unhappy? Have you showed him this entire program and sold him on it? Does he know it will take 4 - 4 hour dates per week? Does he know he needs to eliminate love busters?

I don't understand how you expect him to adopt a program he doesn't even know about for reasons of which he is unaware!

If you want to change anything, you are going to make more an effort.

I just don't get it.... I AM willing to do anything, but it takes more than just me. I guess I am trying to think of things that I know my husband will actually do.\

What good does it do to say we are going to find a different solution for his job, and say we are going to get out of the house 4 times a week when I know he is not able / willing to do that?????

Have any of you started at a point where one spouse was completely on board and the other was only somewhat on board? I know we can't be the only ones. I would guess that it is more common than not.

My thinking is if I can get us headed in the right direction and we both see the rewards in the progress, he will slowly get on board to be 100% in.

What did you do when your spouse wasn't 100 % in???? Any advice.

NONE of our spouses were on board when we started. In your marriage NEITHER one of you are on board. You have been on this thread wasting our time with excuses about why this or that won't work.

Good luck on that.

Yes, I have told him. I told him last night that his marriage was falling apart. I don't think it could be more honest than that.

I have showed him a bulk of the program, I knew if I asked him to read every word on the website that he would not do it. So I printed all the basic concepts along with a few of the articles that I thought really pertained to us the most. He read all of it, and I tried to sell him on it. Which he seemed to be a little sold, and yes he did agree to eliminate love busters (both of us did). He has done much better on that since, not perfect but better.

As for the time, his comment was "I agree that we need more quality time together, and that it has been lacking for a long time, but I don't know that we can get 15 hours..."

I think he thinks I am just being overly dramatic or something when I tell him how much I need our marriage to change. It's not until we hit rock bottom that he admits it needs work and says he will make changes.

I have told him over and over again that the changes won't just happen that we need some kind of a plan (this was even before finding this program). So now I am trying to tell him "this is the plan we have been needing to keep us from cycling back like always..."

No, you didn't tell him what it will take. You just told him about your fiddle around the edges plan. You don't even buy this program, so I don't believe you tried to sell him something you don't even want or accept.

Did you take my suggestion and speak to Dr Harley? Maybe Dr Harley can convince your husband?

If none of your spouses were on board when you started why don't you give me advice on how you got them on board, instead of criticizing me. I really am here for help and guidance, not at all to waste your time. I do want to be on board, honestly I would love to spend 15 hours a week with him, but I don't know how to move forward considering he is only partially on board.....

If you think you are only wasting your time with us, I apologize, if you would like me to quit responding that is what I will do. But I would love your help to know HOW to get someone on board who doesn't think the problems are that serious. (He does understand that the love busters are serious, but does not get how important having MUCH more time is.)

He would be furious if I asked him to speak to Dr Harley. I am afraid if I did that he would not be willing to participate in the program at all, and all hope would be lost.

Did you have your spouse speak with him? Was he upset about it at first?

Because all of our time is wasted debating the concepts with YOU because you won't accept them. You are not a couple with ONE reluctant spouse, you are a couple with TWO reluctant spouse.

And yes, I am about ready to give up.

Like I said, you always have an excuse.

I DO buy in. I honestly do, I think it is the greatest marriage advice I have ever heard, read, etc. I would love to have a marriage that worked the way that the DR speaks of....I am not skeptical of the program, I am skeptical of our ability to do it, when only one of us really wants it.

I have seen no sign of willingness. NONE. I have seen endless excuses about why you can't do anything.

SO WHAT? Are you going to melt or something? Are you a little girl or a grown woman?