That's great, FTF!

JBK, women get their husbands on board by setting the bar high and not settling for crumbs. She tells him: "In order to be happy in our marriage, I need you to take me on 4 dates out of the house every week. I need you to meet these emotional needs for me. I need you to never lovebust me again." If he refuses, she separates. She doesn't try to figure out how to make it work on his terms -- "Since you LOVE your job so much, I'll settle for 1 date night a week, and sitting with you on the couch while you fall asleep at night."

Set the bar high. He's only going to do as much as is required to keep you.

I agree, I have not set the bar high enough, and that is why we are where we are.

The weird thing is I am a very confident person who typically stands my ground with everything, but with him, for some reason it is different.

In the beginning I did, but I would notice us fighting more and more and I guess I somehow thought I was protecting our marriage by being willing to "compromise / settle" (thinking I was avoiding us fighting even more). Now I totally understand how this only harmed us. I was being the "giver" all the time, now that I am familiar with the program I realize that I was "giving" and then I began "taking". Which at the time I felt like I was finally not settling, but I was also not being considerate. I have learned so much here, I just hope it is not too late to turn it around.

He is happy in this job, and yes sometimes exhausted. Most of the love busters come in once his feelings of insecurity kick in. When he is not feeling that way, he is happy, and in return we are typically happy (yes it is more complicated than that, but that is where it starts).

That's why I brought up the feelings of insecurity earlier, because I would guess that they lead to 90% of the love busters on both sides. Honestly it feels like I am married to two different people at times (the happy charming guy / and the insecure one who takes those feelings out in horrible ways).

People that know him through work would have no idea that he is the way he is. He is charming, funny, very intelligent, good at everything he does, no one would ever guess what goes on behind the scenes.

And yes, I do understand that even without the love busters, we will not have the marriage we need unless we get the UA time.

Did you listen to the show from yesterday? Dr. Harley was talk about women who are different while with their husbands.

No, I did not listen yesterday. Would you mind sharing some of what he said?

Listen to it now. It will be rebroadcast for another few hours.

I would love to but I am in the middle of class right now. My team had a meeting during my conference period, so I couldn't do anything personal during that time today. I need to bring some ear buds up so I can listen if I get a chance.

Normally I don't have hardly anytime to get on the internet during class, I only do now because it is the end of the year and they are just reviewing with me answering questions as they come up.

You can download the app to your phone and listen that way anytime. I usually listen to it from my phone app on the way home.

No, we wound up divorcing. Believe it or not, I am much happier on my own than I was with an angry, hostile, disrespectful partner, teaching my kids by example to accept poor behavior.

But I am hoping it's not to late for your family!

Just figured I would update. If you listened to the show yesterday, they mentioned our situation at the end. She emailed and said that they ran out of time, but basically said he needed to be willing to put in the time to his marriage (I agree). The only thing that I didn't think was right on the mark, and likely I didn't explain myself well enough in the email, was them saying that he is being insecure because he wasn't meeting my needs.

They are right that he is not meeting my needs now, but it hasn't always been that way. We have never had a perfect marriage, but in the beginning I do feel like he met my needs. In fact the only problem in the beginning were the fights that stemmed from the feelings of insecurity and the way he handled them.

Anyways, I wanted to say that I continued to push how serious I was. We did a calendar for the week, so far he is holding up his part of it. He even came in joking saying "it is time for undivided attention". He was being silly but he was trying to be enthusiastic about it. The love busters are not gone yet, but they have been minimized. The only time we slipped back a bit was when I was disappointed about the lack of focus he had on the family Sunday. When I tried to express how I felt to him, he got really irritated and said I was nagging so much about "all of this...". That he was trying and that I was still nagging. He later said that I made him feel like a loser and a failure. He's right he is trying, and that does count, but there are still going to be things that come up.

How do I handle him in a manner where he understands where I am coming from without "being a nag" or making him feel the way he did Sunday? Should I just pick and choose my battles at this point, since we are making progress?

Thanks for any help.

I would show him the article How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife and explain to him that it is important that he takes your complaints seriously, now, and every time you make one. If he doesn't, your marriage will regress quickly to the stage where your resentment is so deep that no solution can be found.

You need to work on complaining respectfully. If you are sure that you have eliminated demands, disrespect and angry outbursts when you complain, then his job is to respond to the complaint, and not to dismiss it because it is yet another complaint.

Are you married to a nagging wife? Or does your husband ever accuse you of being a nagging wife? There's a simple way to overcome that problem in your marriage, but it will take the cooperation of both of you.

As a wife, you should put an end to demands, disrespect, and anger whenever a conflict with your husband arises. And don't bring up mistakes of the past. Focus your attention on the problem at hand. Offer your husband the opportunity to discuss it with respect, agreeing to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement until it's resolved. And your husband should have the same right to raise issues with you, without you becoming disrespectful or angry with him.

As a husband, you should address every complaint your wife makes with patience and kindness. You should enter into a discussion with her regarding every issue she raises, and do it without any disrespect or anger on your part. If you think that she has so many issues that you feel overwhelmed by them, organize them together and set priorities. Focus on the three that top her list, and when they are resolved, work your way through it.

Thank you for the advice. I will have him read the article. The last couple nights have been great between us. To be honest I am not sure if I am "complaining respectfully" or not. I am trying to, but I guess he takes it as nagging. Are there any articles about the best ways to raise concerns without letting your emotions take over? Thanks again.

Yes, there is, but rather than linking it for you, I'm going to encourage you to get familiar with the Articles section of this website. Go to the red area at the top of every page and click the link "Articles". Those articles are crucial for you to read several times, if you are to use MB.

I have read every single thing on the site, more than one time, but there is a lot, and I didn't remember specifically reading something like that. But I will continue to read and re-read.

Please let me know when you find the article, and what you understand from it.

I read the article about negotiating when you are emotional and it is helpful and I understand it. But what are you supposed to do when the other person doesn't want to talk about it at all. He says that all I want is to talk about all "this". Which really isn't the case, what I want is to help us improve.

The love busters had gotten better, but he really hurt me this morning. This is TMI so I appologize in advance.... My period started this morning (earlier than expected) and my husband was clearly irritated by that. My periods were always regular before having kids, but have become more inconsistent after having kids. He ended up making a comment that implied that I cheated on him since my period started early. I know that sounds crazy, but one time after we had sex, I told him he kicked in my period. I wasn't really meaning it so literally, it was time anyway. Ever since then he acts like if my period is off schedule, then I must be cheating on him.

I tried to explain that there was an actual reason this time, the dr changed my prescription for some reason and it threw off my cycle. He then proceeded to say "must be nice being on birth control" once again implying that I would of have cheated on him. The ONLY reason I am on birth control at all is because I was nearly bleeding to death. Ended up being so anemic that I nearly needed a blood tranfusion. From the moment they said I needed to be on birth control to regulate my period, he was ugly about it. This is a health problem (that he never showed much care about in the first place), it would be great to have a little support.

Sorry I guess I am just venting, I am so frustrated. This is a perfect example of how the insecurities will always hold us back, even after we fix the other problems.

You are going around in circles again, I'm sorry to say. You have had the answers, over pages and pages, about what to do when your H will not take your complaints seriously.

You are back to where this thread started. This was posted to you on your first day here:

At the moment, you are trying not to reach stage 3 of the "nagging wife". Ultimately, however, how your husband responds to your complaints is up to him. If he does not wake up to the fact that you are trying to save your marriage, you will have to call it quits.

You're right I guess I am back to square one. I honestly thought we were making some progress, and he was taking my complaints. But at this point he seems sick of dealing with it.

As for the article, I had read it, and I just re-read it....

My first thoughts are that it seems like it could be very successful, and I know it is. I don't want it to come to that, I think it would be devastating for our kids(I know that having a marriage that is like this is hurtful to the kids as well).

Even if I came to the conclusion that it was my only option, I don't think there is anyway I could support myself, and there is no way he would be pleasant about money. We are barely getting by now, many of the bills are in my name, I already work in one of the highest paying districts, so there is no "finding a higher paying job". How does a spouse go about this when they can't afford to? Since the kids are with me majority of the time, I would be feeding and taking care of three people, not just one, like he would be.

You would move to a more affordable place, cut back on extras and make ends meet.