It's been a long time since I have been here.

H is a habitual cheater. He went through a health scare a few years back and I thought he had changed. Caught him meeting women from a dating website.

This was last fall. Caught him again last weekend.

There are reasons I cannot leave for a year or two more. Please trust me on this, I must be smart.

He was with another woman three days ago and is pressuring me for sex NOW. He says he will just go and cheat again if I don't want him. I told him I deserve time to mourn, yet again, and a clean bill of STD testing from him.

He ignores me and just continues groping.

Why ? What can I say to get through to him ?

He will not look at MB or their values. I am the follower.

Tempered

If you are going to be so vague about what your reasons are for not leaving him for "Maybe" 1 to 2 years, and will not do what is necessary, then what kind of help are you seeking?

Did you expose his previous affairs?

LTL

If you do not do what the MB plan says to Survive An Affair, the you are not an MB Follower either, just a reader.

Will you take the VERY 1st Step?

LTL

Do you like to gamble?
The worst gambling addict still has Better odds than you.
One out of a few million may win the lottery...but you may die from an STD.
what do you gain from the risk of an STD with sex?

I do not understand any of your replies, respectfully.

Take the first step? Done is many times.

Daughter is planning a huge wedding at end of year and I have one year left to finish an advanced degree with a small child at home. Those are my reasons.

I remember this site as being more welcoming in the past. I was hoping for a man to tell me how to turn him down for sex RIGHT NOW until my needs of safety are met and understood.

Tempered

I don't think either of those are a good reason to stay especially if he is groping you. I would hate to see your WH rape you or even try to...and yes it could happen. If he refuses to act right, I suggest that you separate and file ASAP. It is not worth the high price to stay.

Even if your needs for safety are met, would you want to have sex with him?

Black Raven and all,

I appreciate the easiness of telling someone to leave. His behavior is not new.

Why does he insist that he needs sex from me and why does he feel he even has the right to ask for it this soon and not meet my need of safety?

I suspect I was hoping for insight.

He doesn't care, tempered. That is the jist of it. He sees you stay with him no matter how he treats you and regardless of how many times he cheats so why would he stop behaving badly because you protest? He sees you staying regardless and he doesn't care.

Just an FYI that every poster who has posted to you, including myself, is either separated or divorced with minor children...and no it was not easy or a cake walk.

Who have you exposed his affair to?

Unless that answer is buried in your previous thread, you have not answered in this one yet.

It's not being unwelcoming to ensure that you have completely done a proper and thorough exposure.

LTL

And Jedi was concerned about your health, hence the STD comments.

As far as unwanted groping, you must be firm and tell him that you are off limits until, well, until you decide how much you are willing tolerate.

LTL

His self worth and value is dependent upon sex.
He is a slave to his passions.

Rather than him being a slave to his passions I would say that he does not consider you worthy of any regard on his part.
If he was a slave to his passions, he would be doing that to other women out there.

Obviously, he is entirely capable of being nice to other women in order to get them to sleep with him.
He just chooses not to go to that trouble with you.
Why do you think that is?

Because he knows that the women out there will not comply if he behaves badly, but he has made the experience that he can get away with it with you.
Don't you know you are worth more than that? Is this what you dreamt of as a little girl, waiting for the knight in shining armor? Someone who flaunts his flings in your face and wants to force you to have sex by tellin it will be on you?
Really?
Look what it has come to. You would not want your little girl to find someone like that and your small (how small?) child will sadly learn by experience how to behave in a relationship. Children have very fine antennas for this sort of thing.

If you plan on leaving him, you should plan. The difference between a goal and a dream is the carefully planned timeline.
You could start looking for someone who babysits your child while you finish your degree (the grown-up daughter?).

I don't know when you posted last, but I have been here for 5 years and this site has changed even in that amount of time. I have heard that it used to be a place to blog about feelings. Now it is a place to get advice that is consistent with what Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, would himself give. It is a place to get advice on a PLAN to follow, not a place to blog about feelings. It is a very welcoming place, but be prepared to receive Marriage Builder's advice, which is not always what you want to hear.

Your WH is a serial cheater. He demands sex from you with a threat of more cheating if you do not give it to him.

Here is the PLAN. Expose his affairs wide and far. Generally Dr Harley would advise a *short* (no more than 3 week) Plan A for a woman, which is a time where you would meet all of his needs to show him what kind of marriage he can have with you if he ends his affair. But in your case it is affairS because he is a serial cheater, and you are far past Plan A. Dr Harley would then recommend you go into a dark separation (Plan B).

Plan A for women is recommended for no more than 3 WEEKS, not 2 years and certainly not indefinitely. Why? Because anything more becomes mentally and physically damaging to a woman's health. I am guessing these years of serial cheating have damaged you in both ways.

You can leave your WH and continue to receive support for yourself and your small child, so that is not a reason to stay. And I think it is a bit silly to stay in an abusive situation for a WEDDING.

It is not 'smart' to stay in an abusive situation for a wedding.

x 2

You cannot say ANYTHING to get through to him. As has already been stated, he doesn't care. You can say anything you want, in any language. He does not care about extraordinary care or about your emotional or physical well being and he is not going to protect you.

What can we say to YOU to make YOU care about those things?

You do not need a man to tell you how to turn another man down for sex. You just say NO. It is that simple.

It doesn't need to be an explanation, because your words would be lost on him. He doesn't care about your reasons.

I noticed your other very short thread from 2008 and see you didn't follow up on the contact with the POSOW's BH, at least up to that point.

He was already a controlling and abusive serial cheater back then and it doesn't seem like you followed the plan to implement Extraordinary Precautions and didn't get through to the BH.

If you refuse to follow any plan, you are destined to repeat the past.

Your marriage and sanity do not seem likely to ever be saved by remaining.

What do YOU want to do?

LTL