My husband of 10 years and I have been separated for 6 months. I never thought anything like this would happen. We are both Christian but he has gotten away from going to church the last couple years. I have been taking the kids and he would not wake up and go. We have 2 small children that my heart breaks for. He has been emotionally and verbally abusing me since the honeymoon phase wore off about a year or two after we married. It started out infrequent then became more regular and more harsh over the years. The last couple years were the worst. He has called me every name in the book. An example would be if he came home from work and the kids had made a mess with toys in the living room and I was cooking dinner but hadn't cleaned up from cooking yet, he would say "I can't even eat dinner in this pig sty, I'm living in hell, you are such a slob, why did you even cook dinner if its going to make a mess like that' then I would say 'I was going to clean up after I'm done cooking, and I can't believe you are talking to me like that, I have been taking care of the kids, cleaning and cooking and you just come in and start yelling at me?' then he would say 'all you do is complain, stop being a b*tch!". Meanwhile my kids can hear all this and I always tell him not to talk like that or cuss in front of the kids. They have cried, my son has yelled 'I hate you daddy' my daughter has said 'daddy you promised to stop yelling at mommy'. I have been nothing but loving and kind to him and if things are not perfect or if he thinks I did something wrong he throws a fit and calls me names, idiot, moron, slob, b*tch, etc. He also does not help at all around the house or taking care of the kids. He feels like since I was a stay at home mom all he had to do was work. He would sleep all the time and ignore me and the kids for days on end. He said he was depressed and that's why he slept a lot. He also got addicted to day trading and lost a lot of our money, most of it was what I saved when I worked before kids, and didn't tell me he lost it. Then when I found out he said he was going to stop but didn't and even lied and said they he wasn't doing it when he was! So now we have trust issues too. We didn't have a relationship in any way for a long time and I would try to be loving and go have fun on date nights but he just didn't seem to care. There have been times I was sick with the flu and other things and he still didn't help me with the kids or house. He would tell me he's done with me when he was mad, but then turn around and say he loved me and try to act nice for a few days until something set him off. It was like Jekyll and Hyde. I finally couldn't take it asked him to leave until he could get help and change. We had gone to counseling a year and a half ago for a few months but he stopped because he said he was sick of being vilified. When I asked him to go he left without even asking to stay, almost like he was happy to go. He started back to counseling after we separated and says he will change and wants to come back but he continued to verbally abuse me over the phone or when he would see me. He started an antidepressant a couple months ago and that has helped him to control his anger but he still seems cold and distant. In the past 6 months he only asks to come see us once a week and there was a time we didn't see him for over 3 weeks because he was "in a bad place". So he wants to come home but doesn't act like he does because wouldn't he be wanting to see us more? We don't have a relationship. He finally asked me to dinner for the first time for our anniversary a few weeks ago but nothing else. He didn't even do anything for my birthday or Valentines Day so it just doesn't make sense. I can also still sense anger even though he hasn't name called like he has hung up on me recently or snapped at me. Sometimes he can be so nice and I want to keep my family together because I know what divorce does to kids, but I can't go back to that horrible environment, I was having panic attacks. He says he's changed but I just don't know what to do. I took a vow before God but he seems to have abandoned me and the kids emotionally. Please help with any advice and prayers. Thanks.

Do you suspect he may be having an affair?

I have no reason to think that but I have seen some porn links on his phone before. I don't know if it's considered cheating but I do think it's wrong and don't like it. He hasn't seemed that interested in me in a long time, rarely, but I chalked that up to kids, depression and our marital problems.

Tx, welcome to MB! I understand wanting to fix your marriage and give your kids an intact family. Is he getting help for his anger and the financial compulsions? Does you have your money in a safe place now so he doesn't gamble any more away? Have you seen an attorney?

I'm so glad that you put him out so the kids wouldn't have to live like that any more.

It is suspicious that a man who is so controlling that he will thow a fit over how you cook dinner, will let you basically throw him out. It is very possible, that he is having an affair and therefore a place to go to where someone cooks for him and gives him sex.

Do you know where he lives?

This level of control is probably being done to stop you interefering with extra marital habits. I see no reason why he would NOT be having an affair!

You know it's porn and gambling at least. If he's brazen enough to keep porn links on his phone he could easily be a serial cheat.

The abuse is too bad for you to allow him home and snoop up close. I'd have a PI follow him and see a lawyer about your rights while separated.

Not saying it's impossible but anger of this magnitude requires extensive separation while he attends anger management and proves progress. You also need to know what else is going on.