I just found out that my husband slept with my best friend of 10 years. At first they were caught kissing by her husband and they only addmitted to that. 5 months later he hesitated when I joked they may have slept together and then admitted it. I am devastated! She was a best friend. We traveled together and our kids were friends. He wants to stay married, doesnt love her and is full of regret. I am scared, alone and worried about our kids. We did counseling a few months ago before I knew the whole story. I just dont know anymore. I always told him that sex would be a tipping point for our marriage. Guess he didnt care

I'm sorry for your pain, tracygrace.

Have you informed her husband that they had sex?

Yes, he knew a few weeks ago and has pressed me via text to have my husband end his work relationship with her company even though they dont need to communicate in this work relationship. My husband contacted the head of the company today and announced he will be ending all work with the company (although this is hearsay as I didnt see this email and I dont trust my husband at all anymore).

Traditional marriage counseling really is a waste of time and money. Most marriage counselors out there have no earthly idea how to restore a marriage after an affair (and many of the counselors out there are divorced to boot).

My husband sat for six sessions crying the blues of remorse to our "counselor", all as he continued to carry on his affair right under my nose.

If you choose to stay married, Dr. Harley's plan provides a proven way back after the devastation of an affair. Have you had a look around this site at some of his articles yet? (top of this page in the red area)

Good that the husband is working with you. It is dangerous for them to EVER have any form of contact again.

Can you ask your husband to see the email that he sent?

How far away does the OW live from you?

Yes, I have been on this site since they were caught kissing by her husband back in Decemeber. I think way down deep I knew it was more...too easy if you know what I mean. They slept together over a year ago. I just found out today and my husband is away for work so there are still tons of questions. Maybe it was more than once, maybe they did it in our home, who knows!! My husband is a horrid communicator and loves to sweep things under the rug (he hates conflict) thus I thought counceling might help him talk.

She lives one town over....

Yes, I have access to all his emails, etc but he also deleted the text to her to meet up for "closure" after the kiss in december as I learned today.

Has your husband let you into ALL areas of his life now? All credit cards, bank info, passwords, etc. He needs to change or cut off ALL avenues that she could possibly contact him through...email, cell phones, Facebook, etc.

Has he given you information about their affair?

How long have you been married? Do you have children?

You may be able to retrieve that text, depending on your phone carrier.

Google "decipher textmessage" and see if they are a) still around, and b) will work with your carrier. That is what I used back in the day and it gave me texts from years ago.

Does he stay away overnight for work?

Hi Tracy, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. He does not need "counseling" to tell you the full truth. He needs to just tell you. And if I were you, I would demand it. Up to and including passing a polygraph test. It is extremely important that you don't spend the nights apart anymore and that you have diligent spyware on everything he owns.

Get the book, Survivng an Affair [you can download it on kindle for PCs] and follow the program as described. I would start with this extraordinary precautions checklist:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You can retrieve it and anything else he has deleted. From FighttheFight:

"meeting for closure" is code for "having SEX with my affair partner." Cheaters who are serious about ending an affair, end the affair. Cheaters who want to cheat meet up. That is all that happened here.

I think I have access to everything but I am so blown away I just dont know anything anymore. We have been married 11 years in June and have 2 small children. He is a loving husband, fun and hard working. He says he adores me and it was all a HUGE mistake. He has always had boundary issues and had joked about "her" good looks before but I blew it off. She was a dear friend who was confiding in me about her marriage issues for the past year. We have emailed and she tells me sorry in a million ways and regrets it all. Blah, blah, blah. Am I weak for staying? I am going against what I warned him I would do if he had an affair!

My husband had to learn to communicate well also, and I had to learn to listen without judging...MB can definitely help both of you with that, but that is down the line after taking all of the steps to deal with the affair.

The FIRST thing that both of you need to do is go through all of the things on the checklist that MelodyLane has provided for you.

Also, have you exposed to anyone else besides the OWs husband? How long have you been married?

I have not told anyone! We have the same friends and are new to town and its a small town so people would have to pick sides and my little kids would find out. My Mom is too old to deal with this and she relies on him for help around her house....my brothers would freak!!! I think he should tell his Dad though. He is a kind man who would be a good listener for him. We have been married almost 11 years.

You should let everyone know. It is not in any of your best interest to hide the affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable and the more people to support your marriage. Keeping it a secret hurts everyone, especially your husband!!

tg,

You wrote, They slept together over a year ago.

This sounds like minimization which is very common with waywards, "it was only once", "it was a long time ago", etc.

Get a polygraph so you can end your questioning and get the truth you deserve, you don't need additional details slipping out 5 or 10 years from now.

Gamma

Hiding his affair keeps the fantasy ALIVE, by the way. You only hurt his chances of recovery by aiding and abetting his secret.