I agree. tracygrace, you are in a position right now that so many of us wished that we were in...your husband is not at home right now and you can think straight without all of his gaslighting (have you read about that?).

Your children need to know the truth about their lives. Whether you fight in front of them matters not...they SENSE your grief. I absolutely promise you that they do.

When I finally exposed with the help of everyone here, to our (then) 28 and 26 year old daughters...they BOTH thanked me immensely. The younger daughter had SEEN her Dad texting bad photos and talking to the OW when she was quite young (H had a LTA), and she had harbored that guilt over not telling me for almost 13 years.

How many nights a month does he spend away from home?

Your kids probably already know about the affair because they have seen or heard something. And they might conclude that you approve of adultery since you have said nothing.

That is the conclusion I came to when I was 4 years old and was introduced to my fathers mistress.

So she has also admitted the affair to you? Has she given you any details of how it was conducted?

You must be able to speak to her husband. Contact him now and tell him that they had sex, and that it has probably been going on for the entire year. Ask him if he knows anything more than he told you last time.

I hope you are not still treating this witch as a "dear friend".

My husband travels monthly for weeks at a time and always has....my exfriends husband knew more than me for a while but think we are all caught up now. We text from time to time as he isnt loving my husbands work with his wife's new company (which was dissolved today and I will ask for the email when he gets home...tomorrow?). My ex friends husband is moving forward with their marriage and hopes in time I can too. He isnt telling his kids and his lawyer has told him to tell as few people as possible (my ex friends business partner, Mom and brother know). The only place I run into them is at the local Whole Foods and piano recitals. I havent run into her yet b/c she has her Mom do all her food shopping and we decided she wouldnt come to piano recital.

You should tell people about the affair and you don't tell your H you are going to do so.
You tell them in one fell swoop on a given day.
You tell your children so they can make sense of their world.
Though it is great the OW's H told you what he knows......he is not the person who decides how you will survive this. You are your own woman.

You can either choose to follow Marriage Builder guidelines or not
but
I can not think of one person on here who wishes they had not used the guidelines.

Some of the things you do to follow the plan seem counterintuitive and scary
but
they are well thought out strategies for getting through this horrible, horrible situation and coming out the other end in the best possible place.

You come out either divorced and proud of yourself and sane or in a truly recovered and intimate marriage.

That is great divorce advice that we see and expect from lawyers. It helps them facilitate the divorce much easier and faster if the betrayed spouse keeps the affair a secret. And it also makes it more likely that divorce will happen. Keep in mind that attorneys are not in the business of saving marriages and have no earthly idea how to do so.

We are in the business of saving marriages here. The advice we give to you comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair. He has specialized in saving marriages from affairs for 40 years.

So, if your goal is to save your marriage, you will want to follow the advice of Dr Harley, rather than an uneducated attorney.

And honestly, we can't help you if you choose to enable to affair by keeping it a secret. We won't ever be able to help you overcome such a destructive move.


Having her being so close pretty much guarantees the affair will continue. Every time he sees her, his feelings will be triggered. Every time you see her or her kids, your feelings will be triggered. This is how affairs get dragged out for years on end. I hope you don't choose that horrible death of a thousand cuts.


Traveling jobs are a disaster for marriages. You can't ever recover unless he finds another job. Sorry.

Tracy, let me put this another way. You will never save your marriage in the current environment under the current conditions. Unless you take some radical steps, you can pretty much count on affairs being a big part of your future. If not this OW, then another one. I doubt the current affair will end, but if it ever did your husband would just have another one because he has so many opportunities.

Here is what it will take: nothing less:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Got a text from him this morning from Germany saying he couldnt get a flight out but will keep trying....the OW wants to meet him one more time to end things properly (her husband is texting me now). She wants to stay in her marriage and work on reconnecting with her husband. I told them I needed to go too in order for this closure to happen...I needed to be there when they met.

They don't need closure. Are you skimming over posts? They just need to NEVER see or speak or have any contact EVER again. Closure my behind.

This is more than sex a year ago. I'm sorry.


Closure is no contact for LIFE. There is no reason for them to get together to talk about it. That's crazy.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

I thought their story was that this was something that happened once, a year ago?

How can there be any need to ends things today, if "things" only happened once, a year ago?

Can you see from her ridiculous demand to have "closure" that this affair is much longer and deeper than a one-time thing?

tracy, you don't seem to be reading our posts. We told you that they must never see each other again. You need to insist on that.

You need to call you husband and tell him that if he ever sees this woman again, he will be taking the decision to end your marriage.

You need to call this whore and calmly tell her to stay out of your marriage. Where does she get off ignoring the fact that you are his wife and she has no right to demand any kind of relationship with your husband?

Where does she get off, ignoring the fact of your distress and the way in which she violated your marriage, and demanding to continue abusing you by seeing your husband again?

If you don't stand up for your rights as a wife, don't expect your husband or his whore to respect them, either.

No! They will try to bully you into hiding their adultery. There is NO benefit to you in having this meeting. Tell your husband that he is not to contact this homewrecker EVER AGAIN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

And why is her need for closure more important to your H than your need for safety!?!

In addition to these great questions.

Why is OWBH texting you talking about the "closure meeting"? Is he really thinking of allowing this meeting?

Are you even reading our posts? You need sound judgment and good advice right now and we can't help you if you don't read our posts.

You need to take this more seriously, Madan. This is not a joke. To agree to allow them to get together for "closure" is silly and counterproductive. You should tell the OW to go straight to hell.

Nobody wants to meet the serial killer that exterminated their family one last time.
Everyone wants to meet their sex partner one last time.
And every drunk wants to drink one last drop, just as I ate 1.., no 2...., no 3 (and counting) last marshmallows in the last 15 minutes.

Just think about it. She ruined your life and family. And he wants to meet her for what? One last hug? One last flustered "I love you"? One last staring into her eyes? Do you really think that is going to make things better? It is just another "tomorrow I will start dieting" kind of resolve.

He is not thinking about you at all. It is all me, me, me.

Also, this cannot be ended "properly", because there is nothing proper about it.