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#2854743 05/21/15 12:08 AM
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Sarcaz Offline OP
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I hope I'm in the right place...
I'm desperately looking for advice or answers to try save my marriage - if it's at all possible - after I had an affair.
We have tried reconciliation - however - I gave false reconciliation even though I was desperate to do absolutely anything to save my marriage. I never had another affair - but I allowed the deception to continue - purely because I didn't want to cause even more damage than I had done. I'm so tired of hurting my partner - I just didn't want to continue destroying her. I so don't want to be the lying, cheating, deceitful person I've become. I promised honesty and transparency and I didn't give it... Only for the reason of not wanting to cause any more pain and destruction. My partner is so destroyed right now because the deceit continued into a time period where I promised honesty.
I'm so so desperate to try save my relationship but because of how good I became at lying and hiding things - whatever I say will sound like nonsense.
Is there any help out there or have I actually really destroyed the one person I have only ever truly loved?

Sarcaz #2854744 05/21/15 12:18 AM
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You came to the right place.
You did what you thought was best fot you. You did not give your wife the chance to make a decision upon facts. Own that.
It may be possible to save your marriage, but you have made it much more difficult by not being honest.

Click "notify" under your post to get your thread moved to "Surviving an affair" where you will get more help and start reading http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html how to survive an affair.


This can only be turned around by closely following the steps that are laid out in the plan. Don't skip any.

Good luck


me, DH
all the children
Sarcaz #2854745 05/21/15 12:22 AM
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Are you married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Correct - she wasn't given full disclosure in order to make a fully informed decision.
I definitely own that...

Melodylane...
Yes - I am married.

Sarcaz #2854747 05/21/15 12:34 AM
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So many questions, Sarcaz, that will make it easier for us to understand your situation and give appropriate advice---

Are you actually MARRIED and if so, how long?
Kids? Approx ages?
How long was the affair?
With whom? (co-worker, neighbor, friend, relative?)
Are you still in contact with the OP?
When was Discovery-Day (Dday) and how was affair revealed?


Dday- Feb 1998
Recovered!!
Nerlycrzy #2854748 05/21/15 12:48 AM
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Yes... I'm actually married... For just over two years.
Affair was a few months short of two years.
I don't have kids but partner has two - ages 15 and 19.
Affair was with someone I initially met on Internet.
I'm not in contact with OP at all. I actually had to go to police due to threats of violence I was receiving from OP and friends - towards me and my partner.
Dday was last July and we separated for 5 months.

Sarcaz #2854749 05/21/15 01:58 AM
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Do you mean you started an affair with someone via the internet within a few months of your marriage?
Was this a physical affair?

Are you currently living with your wife?


Dday- Feb 1998
Recovered!!
Nerlycrzy #2854750 05/21/15 02:02 AM
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It's so much worse than that... It started before we married... We shouldn't have got married when we did given the problems we had prior to that and prior to affair... But we married nevertheless and I allowed the marriage knowing I was cheating. It's vile.

It was physical - yes.

Yes... I currently living with my wife. She asked me to come back and I returns in January this year.

Sarcaz #2854751 05/21/15 02:08 AM
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I guess I don't have any right at all to try make my marriage work... I destroyed it before it began...

Sarcaz #2854760 05/21/15 07:56 AM
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The question is, if your wife will be better off cutting her losses and starting over afresh, as the marriage has been doomed from the start.


me, DH
all the children
Sarcaz #2854787 05/21/15 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Sarcaz
It's so much worse than that... It started before we married

Does your wife know this? At this point have you given complete disclosure or not?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Sarcaz #2854917 05/21/15 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Sarcaz
I guess I don't have any right at all to try make my marriage work... I destroyed it before it began...


It's not your call either way.

When does she get a say?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Sarcaz #2855140 05/23/15 03:47 PM
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As a wife who has been dealing with a husband who started cheating a year ago I can say that yes, there is still a chance but that depends on both of you. It's not easy. The damage you have done is unbelievable. It's pretty arrogant to think you even have the right to lie to spare anyone's feelings. Your wife needs and deserves to hear the truth and all of it to the depth she needs to know it. That means if she wants the gory details then give them to her. My husband kept stuff from me for a long time and I believe still is to some degree. I don't know if it is an effort to spare me the heartache or because he is ashamed or because he doesn't think I have the right to know. It's a horrible place to be in being cheated on. Don't do that to your wife anymore. It does not make anything better. Be completely open with her about everything like Dr. Harley talks about. I like the book a***edit*** and think that is a great map to follow by both parties. Although I don't think my husband's cheating is my fault I do think that there are things I could have done to make our marriage better. And when I found out how he felt about different things I went about the business of making the best me I could be. I hope you two can work things out. Follow Dr. Harley's advice. All you can do now is put your very best foot forward, pray and hope your wife responds.

Last edited by IrishGreen; 05/23/15 04:06 PM. Reason: Removing Non-MB recommendation
MrsRMN #2855141 05/23/15 03:54 PM
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I am really bad at reading everything first. So I commented, read and now have more comments. You are married now. Whether or not you have the right to try and make your marriage work you do have the responsibility to try. Marriage, in God's eyes is supposed to be forever. You need counseling in my opinion with a good Christian counselor who has the same goals for your life and marriage as you do.

It's good you recognize the poor foundation your marriage started on but that doesn't mean that you can't fix that. Your wife asked you to come back. That says something. She should get counseling too. You guys might be able to do this without counseling but it's a lot of work and heartache to wade through a third party can help keep you on track. I know my husband and I can't really afford counseling and our church is paying for the first 6 visits. Then we are searching for resources to continue on our own. It's worth it!!! And indiegirl is right, when does she get a say? When does it matter what she wants to do. If she gives you a chance then take it or you are really saying you don't think she is worth the effort. That's what I would think if my husband did that.

MrsRMN #2855150 05/23/15 04:08 PM
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MrsRMN, just so that you know, we don't recommend "counselling" on this website. If a couple is going to use a counsellor, they need to examine him or her very carefully, asking questions about the goal of their counselling - if it is to help the couple "communicate" they should walk away - the strategies that the counsellor will use, the tasks that they will set the couple every week, the counsellor's philosophy on marriage, and their success rate in rebuilding broken marriages and making a couple fall in love again.

There are so many marriage counsellors that do not have the goal of rebuilding romantic love and keeping the couple together, and who believe in self-fulfilment, even if that hurts the other spouse - and who are divorced themselves, or have had affairs.

I'm hoping our dear friend BrainHurts will read this and supply the radio show clips about bad counsellors, and the link to poor counselling experiences from posters on this website. It sounds to me as if you should be made aware of the drawbacks of counselling for your own situation.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #2855151 05/23/15 04:11 PM
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Good info. I definitely wasn't saying get a bad counselor. Maybe a better thing for me to have said is to seek wise counsel.

We went to counseling supplied by the church for us I was a little unimpressed. We never had any marriage counseling and he talked to me about how my DH had different issues. I truly believe he was trying to get me to leave him while trying not to look like he wanted me to leave him. It had to be my idea you know. I didn't finish the 6 sessions but I do think that they helped my husband. Or it helped him know how to hide things better I'm not sure.

This cheating garbage is so messed up. People really don't think when they do stuff like this. I like to believe that if my husband had realized how devastating this would be to me he wouldn't have done it but when he saw how devastating it was he didn't end it.

Sorry I digressed. But lips are zipped about counseling. smile


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