Spoke with H this evening. Haven't seen/heard from him since Thursday. Asked him what he did over the weekend, & he said he put OW in the hospital.<P>I asked what for & he replied for more surgery, this time, internal. He has mentioned before to me that the affair was "terminal" as she has had 3 surgeries for melanoma.<P>He went on to say that he tried calling me 7 times over the weekend, but got a busy signal. I was logged onto the internet most of Friday, & Saturday. He also said he has been doing a lot of thinking about our 'good times together'. I asked him if he has made any decisions and he said "No".<P>I then asked him if he had plans for Thanksgiving, and he replied, "Yes". I asked, "Christmas too?" and he said, "I don't know yet".<P>What am I supposed to do?? Wait until the witch dies? On one hand, I feel sorry for her and on the other I want to make her an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian!!<P>How can I compete with this? She has cancer, and I'm healthy (at least for now).<P>I am in an impossible situation. If I decide to throw in the towel, he's going to go down in flames financially. Then, I'm going to feel guilty for doing that to him when he was just trying to help another human being with a death sentence.<P>I'm a compassionate person, & he knows that. You could call me a marshmallow. Am I being manipulated? <P>Is there anyone out there who has faced this type of situation? I need some advice, please, anyone....

sidney -- For what it's worth. I think if I were in your position I would pray for the OW.<P>I know that sounds harse, but if the information your H has given you is accurate, then she could be facing God very soon.<P>I realize that you probably don't want to hear this, so I will leave you alone now.<P>God Bless

sidney --<P>Can't say that I've got first hand knowledge. You've got a situation nobody would envy. But, you can't come off as insensitive -- MAJOR LB'S. And, although we don't always know why things happen the way they do, there must be a plan. <P>If OW does have cancer (not good for anyone, even OP!), it may further aggrivate any withdrawls he may already be having. He'll be worried about abandoning her.<P>Maybe the way to go is remain polite and respectful, but not weak or mushy. Maybe being a good friend to your H, and a good listener may be the way to go.<P>Make sense?<P>Prayers and thoughts are with you.<P>-- keystone

Oh, Sidney, I don't have any advice just a lot of sympathy. I wish I could help. All I can give is a big{{{{{HUG}}}}}. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi Sydney: I have had some dealings involving cancer, although my situation is totally different than yours.<P>Five years ago, this month, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a lumpectomy followed up with radiation treatments. During the five year span, I have had numerous tests, as it seemed every time I sneezed, my Doctor would recommend more testing, just to be on the safe side. I have had two bone scans, three kidney x-rays, and one liver ultrasound, plus numerous blood tests done.<P>In my case, before/during my last bone scan, I realize that my husband had been doing the "slap and tickle" with my sister. This is where I find it the hardest to forgive. How could my husband, knowing that there was a possibility that the cancer had spread, carry on an affair, while at the same time professing that his life would be over if anything happened to me? There are times that I wonder if he was looking for a replacement to do his laundry or cook his meals!<P>When their affair was winding down, my Father also was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and stayed with us until he died. My sister came to our home, to help with Dad. It was during this period, that most of their affair was carried on in my own home. I chose to ignore most of the very obvious signs, as I was not thinking clearly, to say the least. Again, I find it hard to forgive, as they both took advantage of me, when I was at my absolute lowest point in my life.<P>If I might suggest, if I were you, I would back off. When she dies, and I understand that it is terminal, if you have done anything that your husband perceives as you trying to keep them apart, I honestly think that he will somehow blame you for causing her to die. I know it doesn't make any sense, but what does in these situations, anyway? Where death is involved, human nature dictates that someone must have caused it, and unfortunately, I feel that you husband will be pointing the finger at you.<P>Believe me, after experiencing the death of cancer firsthand, it is probably one of the most devastating/humiliating ways to die. Step aside for now, and pray for the two of them. They are going to need it! When your husband starts to pick up the pieces of his life, you will be the one he will turn to for comfort. I just had one more thought. For whatever reason, no matter how bad a person has been while they were alive, when death occurs, anyone close to the deceased somehow forgets/forgives them their sins, and they speak of that person as if they should have been sainted. Tread very lightly!<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

Well, here I go again. Got bounced out of AOL, while responding, AARRRRGGGG!!<P>Empty Shell - one of the worst things about an affair is it assaults your very essence, your inner self. Your belief systems are shattered, you can't trust your instincts anymore, you have horrible thoughts, & feelings that you are ashamed of. I am a very compassionate, & sensitive person. I am struggling with tremendous inner conflict. On one level, I do feel sorry for OW. I have prayed for her, & him, too. But, on another level, a little voice is telling me this situation is going to destroy me.<P>Keystone- one thing that has always disturbed me is my H's total lack of spiritual beliefs. He says he does not believe in the hereafter, whatsoever. Because of this, he is terrified of dying. Sometimes, I do think this may be his, & God's way of dealing with his lack of spirituality.<P>SDS- thanks so much for the hugs. We all have our crosses to bear. It's comforting to have people who are there for me, & can relate. (Don't worry about interviewing. I know you'll do great!)<P>Why Me- I am so sorry to hear about what you have had to endure. I really hope & pray that your cancer has gone into remission. I, too, cannot understand how our H's can abandon us, when times get hard, when we need them the most. Is this a 'man thing'? In my case, my H abandoned me when I was struggling to keep us afloat, financially. I needed him to help by getting a job. Instead, he sought ego gratification in the arms of OW. I just cannot even imagine OW being another family member. I am so sorry. You are a very strong person. You have given me a lot of insight. I'm not sure that our relationship will ever have a chance, if we will be forever living with a 'ghost', a sainted one, at that!! I can see so many similarities between him, & his mother, & it terrifies me. She is the "mother of all grudge holders", has alienated all those close to her & is now living a lonely, & solitary existence. She too tried to 'save the world' at the expense of her marriage, & her children. I don't want to see him wind up like her, yet I am feeling terribly hopeless, right now.<P>Thanks so much, all of you, for your thoughts & insights.