Back to the boat, as logical as that sounds, I don't see it as particularly viable to keep a boat I'll use once or twice a year. It still seems like IB to me, if she is not coming along. And, I don't believe I can store it without incurring significant expense. It fits in our present garage. I certainly can't afford to pay for storage. Understand, I'll not have a lick of furniture, or appliances, or anything else. So, I'm trying to 'mature' and focus on life's necessities rather than live for softball and boating as she keeps making references to. As a practical matter, it costs well over $100/day in gas boat to get it to a lake, then boat, and then haul it home. It's just a luxury I don't see viable for a single man my age, who really should focus on retirement income, not to mention furnish his new environment.
Also, the adult son, who made reference a couple of years ago to purchasing the boat, told me Saturday, to sell the boat. And, for the record, we never went boating "every other weekend".

Sugarcane,

Having read this post, my wife sent me this email and asked me to post it as her position on the boat.
From JD2D,
"MY recollection from our detailed discussions of the boat is that we were going to split possession of the boat and van, that you'd store the boat and jackets and skis and everything that went with it, and I would keep the van. Then, we could go on boating "dates," and I would show up with the friends you like to invite along with my cooler of food to share and a towel, then at the end of the day say thanks and give you $20 for gas and go our separate ways. YOU would have the sole burden of the related work, expense, and inventory/storage, and I would get to enjoy the day responsibility-free, like you offer to our friends. We discussed how Jake is just finally getting into skiing and boarding and I didn't want him to miss out on the opportunities that your kids had. You mentioned that you wanted to take your older son when he was in town this summer, even suggested that he might want to buy it from us when he moves back to town. You've commented that you don't know what you're going to do with yourself on the weekends, and my response has been that you can go boating every other weekend now, like we used to do. These all require HAVING a boat. "

Remark,

what is the reason that you want to reconcile with your wife?
You don't value her, you find her constraining your life and apparently are not in love with her.
You can find a housekeeper for less money and less of a hassle.

I'm really wondering why you want to keep her.
To keep up appearances in church?
Because of the house work? Just to prove your point, that you did nothing wrong and she is unreasonable. She has a roof over her head after all.

My husband is very (ocd-ish) particular about things. When my husband wanted to forbid me to open his mail at the start of our life together, I asked him: If I am not allowed to open and know about your mail, then what am I? The housekeeper? He saw the reaoning behind that and agreed.

Your wife is being treated, like the housekeeper.
You don't bother telling her or asking her input in your decisions. And why should you? She is just the person that keeps the house tidy and raised the kids.
Now that she is hollering and putting up a fuss, you are trying to appease her somewhat so that she won't quit her job.

Her whole problem with you are not the little details on the DJ lists. The entire problem consists of the fact, that you are not considering her your equal partner wife. She is the live-in houskeeper/nanny. The Mary Poppins in your life, that takes care of the practical things, so that you can go on living your life, chatting with your family, spending time with your children, doing your hobbies.

You do not treat her like an equal. You do not even treat her like a benevolent dictator treats his subordinates. You just want to go do your important things without considering her. She just has to function.

Thaat is why I am asking the question: why do you want to be married to her?

You need to read what Dr. Harley said about the rooms in the house. She is still in the wife room.

So, pleas anser my questions:
1. why do you want to reconcile?
2. How where things when you were dating?
3. Did you integrate her more when you were in love, or did you have an old-fashioned idea of marriage, with the woman having no input?
4. Please describe the rooms in your house and how your wife is integrated in them,

Thank you.

Will you please thank JD2D for communicating this to us? It makes it much easier for us to understand her perspective.

So, given what she says above, I want to know whether your wife communicated the gist of this message to you, during the discussions you had about the boat. Is this what you understood her to be saying?

" we were going to split possession of the boat and van, that you'd store the boat and jackets and skis and everything that went with it, and I would keep the van. Then, we could go on boating "dates," and I would show up with the friends you like to invite along with my cooler of food to share and a towel, then at the end of the day say thanks and give you $20 for gas and go our separate ways. YOU would have the sole burden of the related work, expense, and inventory/storage, and I would get to enjoy the day responsibility-free, like you offer to our friends"

Did you understand her to be saying that you should store (NOT sell) the boat, and she would keep the van? or...

...Do you dispute what she says above? Did you understand her to have said that she wanted rid of the boat permanently, and that you should see to that?

This is all fine. I understand the logic of all that. You have explained very well why it does not make sense to store the boat, and why it makes sense to sell it.

What you still don't seem to see, even after the discussion here in the last few hours, is that you should not have taken that action without agreeing it with your wife.

Last night you were admitting that you had been "stupid', but today, you are back here explaining why selling the boat was the right thing to do. (I realise you haven't actually sold it.)

So, what do you really think? Are you correct to go ahead and take an action when logic dictates that it is the sensible path, or should you do nothing until you have come to an agreement with your wife?

Which is it for you, Remark?

And based on your last post, you don't understand the definition and overarching point of the POJA or IB.

POJA

NEVER do ANYTHING without the ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT of your spouse.

Either you refuse to get her agreement.

Or you can't stop yourself.

Or you don't even consider the idea of checking with her.

Which one of these is your problem?

What you still don't seem to see, even after the discussion here in the last few hours, is that you should not have taken that action without agreeing it with your wife.

Didnt,

I'd say I couldn't stop myself. In the cases I am mentally reviewing, the common element is that I couldn't stop myself.

I believe in the program. I want to do POJA. Unequivocally.
Remark

This is the overarching point. You used your own emotionally driven logic to determine that listing the boat was inconsequential.

That is FLAWED thinking.

EVERYTHING one partner does impacts the other partner.

What you think is no big deal actually BECOMES a big deal when you act Unilaterally.

And who's causing the drama in that case? You.

Thank you for reflecting and answering. I understand that saying that makes you feel weak and stupid.

But now you have defined the problem.

You get emotional and you are impulsive.

And there's a side of you that looks forward to moving
out because you are afraid that what it will take to change will cause you to lose yourself? Am I onto something?

Remark-
If you can put a plan in place, you can stop these blunders one by one.

I can PROMISE you that each time you go to your wife to double check before acting, her hopes for your marriage will rise. I promise you that it will get easier and you CAN do this.

Didnt,

I guarantee you I am NOT looking forward to moving out to a place separate place.

Yes, I suspect it will get easier when I DO execute POJA on EVERYTHING.

Thanks,
Remark

Didnt,

Please point me back to that plan. You did that recently?

It was in one of the very thoughtful posts that you responded to with "circular verbosity!" and by being pissed off.

"8. After reading the pages of new posts generated on Tuesday, you stomped off saying, �circular verbosity!� I asked what was wrong, and you went into a rant about the posts � the posts that I appreciated so greatly � claiming that they were confusing and contradictory to what I�ve said, obviously pissed off about something. Then you gave a one-line reply to Marcos, dismissing the entire topic and didn�t even answer his questions, much less address the other lengthy posts. From my perspective, the posts were very clear and exactly parallel to what I�ve said, and the people on the forum are putting more effort into our marriage than you are."