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I told him I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. He doesn't care. That says it all to me.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Hi E2L! I had the impression that you had kind of abandoned the idea of MB? Of course the answer is going to be POJA and probably a recommendation to separate. But you already knew that. But....am I letting stupid fear keep me moving forward with this? Is being a renter a good mentality to have? I don't see separation being the answer but how do I convince myself to stop being a renter?
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I told him I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. He doesn't care. That says it all to me. BR, he doesn't undrestand why I have reservations. He doesn't see where I am coming from. He can't. Honestly, I think he sees this commitment completely different than I do. As a good thing. I wish I felt the same way.
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Do you both practice MB? Do you get at least 15 hours of UA time a week? Is kiss finally on board with MB?
Dr. Harley says if the relationship isn't better after recovery than before the affair.....
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Hi! Great to hear from you!
How are YOU doing? Are you enjoying living in the south?
And then, my thoughts on your question...DO you want to commit to someone who "doesn't care" when you've said that you aren't crazy about the idea of buying a house?
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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E2L...the way that we stop ourselves from being a renter (I'm assuming that you mean in marriage) is to set the bar high and complain to beat the band.
Complain respectfully, as you know.
Kiss "can't" understand where you're coming from? It doesn't matter if he understands (although it always feels great to be understood). It matters that he values your perspective.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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No, not really. In fact I had forgotten about POJA! Do you get at least 15 hours of UA time a week? Is kiss finally on board with MB? No to both.
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Hi! Great to hear from you!
How are YOU doing? Are you enjoying living in the south?
And then, my thoughts on your question...DO you want to commit to someone who "doesn't care" when you've said that you aren't crazy about the idea of buying a house? I'm doing ok. Still looking for a job though. No much has changed for me except that I rescued a dog from the shelter and she helps with the loneliness I had felt. I do love living in Florida though. I do complain when it is necessary. I won't ever suffer silently again.
Last edited by Ever2Late; 04/06/15 07:12 AM.
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I guess my question should be more about post nuptial agreements. Has anyone gotten one? Florida is a community property state. So even though my name wouldn't be on the mortgage or the car loan, I would still be liable for the debt. I want to prevent that from happening. Would a post nup be the way to go?
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No, not really. In fact I had forgotten about POJA! Do you get at least 15 hours of UA time a week? Is kiss finally on board with MB? No to both. Huh?
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What are we supposed to be helping you with if not MB, E2L?
I am not saying this to be mean but not understanding what you are looking for if you don't want to follow MB?
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Perhaps you should ask to have your thread moved to "Other Topics" so that you can pop in here and there to ask questions but if you are not going to follow MB I have no idea why this thread is "In Recovery".
This is not recovery.
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Sorry, I didn't know who else to ask about post nuptial agreements. I'll see if I can speak to an attorney for a free consult.
Thanks anyway!
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Dr. Harley does not advocate post nuptial agreements.
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Hi E2L! I had the impression that you had kind of abandoned the idea of MB? Of course the answer is going to be POJA and probably a recommendation to separate. But you already knew that. But....am I letting stupid fear keep me moving forward with this? Is being a renter a good mentality to have? I don't see separation being the answer but how do I convince myself to stop being a renter? As you know, the problem is not you; it is kiss. If you will separate from him that will give him one last chance to stop being a renter. He might do that, or he might not, but either way, you will be better off. You should upgrade from Renter to Buyer only if kiss does so. Otherwise, you should put the entire relationship on hold in separation, because it is only going to go downhill and be increasingly painful for you. Separation is the best chance you have to upgrade. It's the only chance your future has.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I don't see separation being the answer but how do I convince myself to stop being a renter? You are a very intelligent woman, and you should trust your feelings. I do not think you should attempt to persuade yourself to do something that you think is unwise. I don't know about the circles you are in, but in my circles women are not considered attractive when they act less intelligent than they actually are. Why are you trying to act less intelligent for this man? Why are you reluctant to separate from him? You would be so much better off without him. You would be so much better off if he suddenly decided to do what it takes to have a good marriage with you and make it safe for you to commit. Either way you would be so much better off than you are now.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Marcos, you are quite right. I have been been unable to make a decision and have kept myself in limbo.
I am still financially dependent on my husband and have been looking for a job for about 9 months now. I need to find something that is full time with benefits so I can support myself. Up to recently, I have been applying to part time positions because I was unsure of what I wanted to do.
Due to financial reasons, I think kiss now realizes that buying a house will have to wait as the company that approved him for a loan wants 25% down. That's just crazy.
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No, not really. In fact I had forgotten about POJA! Do you get at least 15 hours of UA time a week? Is kiss finally on board with MB? No to both. Huh? This has been the real issue from the beginning. Dr. Harley's methods in Surviving an Affair must be followed without deviation. You two never followed them. As for the post nuptual you should visit an attorney.
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**EDIT**
moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with MB material before posting advice to others
Last edited by Denali; 05/23/15 04:15 PM. Reason: TOS non MB advice
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I'm familiar with MB material. Not sure what you thought was wrong with my post but I can't even tell since you deleted it.
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