maybe some of the betrayed here can help me...my w is so bitter and angry that i don't know what to do anymore...since being separated we have seen each other a few times and each time starts off great but eventually usually about half way through she becomes bitter and angry and gets defensive and accusatory and no matter what i say or do to try to calm her down even if i stop talking she keeps coming until eventually it escalates to a worked up stressful fight...she is very undecided if she wants to try to rebuild...i know i want to try to reconcile...we love each other very much and i am starting to feel that maybe we would be better off not seeing each other until she reconciles her feelings of anger a little more...i know all of the feelings she has are normal and expected...i try to be as patient as i can i give her space and anything she asks for...i just want her to feel better even if it's without me...i know how devastated she is and feel so helpless...any suggestions???? much peace and love....trying hard<BR>

I think about what makes me feel threatened when my H (betrayer) is around... Its when he pushes for more than I want to give... If Im ok with talking.... just talk... If I sit down next to him... don't assume that I want to have an arm around me or a hand on my leg... I have a hard time dealing with the feeling that I'm setting myself up for a fall, so I have to be able to be the one in control to set the pace...<P>This may not make sense, but I have to maintain control because H has caused such insecurities.... I will have to be the one that initiates each "baby" step if we decide to put things back together as Im comfortable giving myself again.... This may take some time for your wife as I think It will for me also.... many things get a red flag...<P>GO SLOW, let her set the pace...<P>cozy

trying hard -- Have you considered asking her to come to this forum? She may fiond some comfort here as well as advice.<P>Just a thought. . . <P>God Bless

Ditto for cozy --<P>I'm a betrayed and I'm experiencing exactly what you're going through. Active Plan A. But, it's soooo difficult to figure out if you're doing the right thing. <P>My W claims that her anger and resentment come from the fact that I've been disconnected for so long. That I neglected her. Thenm that I had rejected her moves to reconnect, so she simply gave up. Now, I want to reconnect and she's angry that it took so long. That I could have made the effort a while back, but didn't. Long story -- check to profile.<P>Sometimes, W's anger makes sense and sometimes it doesn't -- to me. It does make perfect sense to her. I've just got to take the high road, not push too hard, be supportive, etc. I cannot demand answers, answers that you too may be seeking (Whom? Why? When? How many times? Etc).<P>Are you in joint counseling? Can you get together and communicate in areas other than marriage related -- recreational, family, etc? Anything to let out some of the "pressure" to talk will probably help.<P>Chin up, you're not alone<P>-- keystone

emptyshell...she comes here her moniker is life...thanks<BR> used2bcozy...that certainly hits home although it is sooo hard to do, maybe even in talking it is possible i am pushing her...i think you are right though i am going to try to let her set the pace...thanks for your perspective<BR>

trying hard --<P>One more thing. You'll be in a constant battle to juggle what appears to be your attempts to show you interest in rebuilding the marriage, and yet not push to hard. You have to be there where SHE wants to talk. Use the MB Forum when you need to talk, vent, or pick somebody's brains. Right now, you can't make her feel threatened. She'll move away from you and toward OM!

keystone...thanks for thoughts i think you misunderstood or haven't seen our posts my wife posts here too under moniker life...i am the betrayer and she is betrayed...sometimes i wish it was the other way...much peace and love...trying hard<BR>

My wife and I have bee apart for ten month and at first we faught like cats and dogs. Three mos. ago our second son was bor and that when I decided I wanted my family. I am the betrayed: VERY BETRAYED. we have got along great the past three month. Our recent major set back is bad, but dont change the way I feel about her.<P>She too aked me why did I wait so long. I have no answer for that. be fore we split up she wanted to work it out , but I didnt. now the shoe is on the other foot.<P>GOOD LUCK<BR><P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR>

Trying hard,<BR> I think I understand what you are saying, however I am the one who was betrayed. The one thing you said that I totally disagree with is "I understand how she feels". I can promise you that you have no idea. I begged, pleaded (on my knees at times) for my H to go to counseling with me, he refused. Seeing the OW was more important than me or his 2 children. He lied to us all. I was the one left to deal with an 7yr old and a 10 yr old. They asked questions (which I chose not to tell them exactly what their father was doing, I would have never had jepordized their relationship with him, although during this time he constantly accused me of using them). While he was getting what he needed from OW, I was left to keep us emotionally above water, including taking vacations alone. This was a man I thought I knew better than life, never in a million years did I ever think he would have done this. It is something you never get over, however you can forgive. For me forgiving was a huge risk, what if it didn't stop, what if he felt "neglected again" would he seek from somewhere else? I can only tell you it is very scarry, no matter how much love is there. You feel stripped of your very soul when this happens, you feel as though you innocense of marriage has been stripped. Never again can you say "we have only been with each other", do you know what I mean? My H did go far beyond the call of duty once he was caught. I had his cell phone, his voice mail at work, and I always knew where he was.....he did this voluntarially. If you are going to joint counseling, I would also recommend her going alone. I felt defeated, not worthy, and to be honest suicidal. My H and I have made it and it is better than ever. There are still times I'm angry at him for not giving us a chance before he chose to stray. The best thing you can do for your wife is to let her know you will never be able to understand the pain you have caused and that will be something you will have to live with the rest of your life. My husband said that is the worst for him to know the pain he caused and that it will always be remembered. It has been over a year, and my children still say things that are very heart wrenching. I wish you nothing but the best and in time your wifes anger will slowly lessen.

glad...i get your point and yes i too know what your husband is feeling...i always know and am in great pain that i have caused such pain and devastation to the person i love so much...i know that will never disappear for me...thanks for the reply....trying hard<BR>