Did you actually ASK her about the gift or did she just approach you?

Actually, I should have phrased it this way:

Because you are a linear thinker, you tend not to think of the next step until you complete the first one. And linear thinkers tend to follow routines.

This is why learning to follow the correct Order of steps to follow the POJA is difficult for you.

But actually, once you get the order of things correct, and form the habit, you will most likely stick to it.

VERIFYING with your wife that she is enthusiastic, and ACCEPTING her feelings by not pestering her and NOT MOVING FORWARD when she's not, will avoid chaos for both of you. The failure to do this has been the biggest problem over the course of your marriage.

It took my husband a long time to transition from assuming his own habit and logic was what I would also want, to exploring my perspective. But he rarely deviates anymore. And I can handle some of his forgetting much better now that I can see those as exceptions and not the rule.

Your wife could have a diamond in the rough here.

DidntQuit,

I agree with you. I should ask W or forum before doing ANYTHING.

Thanks Deacon. I was looking for that!!

ETA: I never said to ask the forum about their perspective. I have corrected your statement.

Yes, I'm afraid that was the night. After we went out for a nice dinner and I made a beeline for the TV without having invited her to spend more time together, She told us she was on her PCworking at the time. I offered to have anything she wanted on the TV after I had already broken POJA by turning on the TV and assuming that she wouldn't want to watch with us, while she worked, as I always do. She said, as an excuse because she was hurt from putting effort into dinner and then being abandoned and not even asked in advance about turning the TV on or spending more time together,"I don't care, I have work to do." But, yes, that was the night.


Remark

You W can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the big problem she has with your family is that she feels she plays second fiddle to them.

You have tried six ways to Sunday to convince the forum that your desire to spend time with your family is "reasonable." But that's not the problem. Of course it's "reasonable" for you to desire that. What is NOT reasonable is to expect your wife to feel loved and stay married to you when she comes second to them.

When you say you "give up" and your "want to value" your wife, it sounds like you are just frustrated and defeated because people on here won't tell you "Of course you should put your aging parents first, your wife is the unreasonable one."

This does not sound like you actually do value your W first. It sounds more like you just reluctantly "give up" trying to convince everyone to agree with you.

So you could end up stopping contact with them but not making progress with your W because I doubt this martyr-man attitude that you don't want to put her first but you will if you have to is going to achieve your goal of making her feel loved and cherished like she is your #1.

BTW I have never been clear if your parents are part of the issue or not. Is or is not your wife enthusiastic about you spending time with them? (I'm not asking you to answer me, I know everyone else on her is tired of this topic, I'm suggesting you clarify that once and for all with your W if you are not 100% clear.)

I'm sorry I don't have the gene that disconnects with family as easily as the rest of the world apparently does.

I didn't have that gene, either. It was not easy at all.

But after it's been done and worked out well, it makes perfect sense, and the whole thing looks like a no brainer.

I didn't have that gene, either. It was not easy at all.

But after it's been done and worked out well, it makes perfect sense, and the whole thing looks like a no brainer.

DidntQuit,

It gets complicated from there.

Attempting to discuss that list and create it with JD2D, she wouldn't agree to me not seeing my family. In fact, she insists that when we separate, I go see my family every 6 weeks, I play softball and I go to church and go back to bible study.

In short, my EA list isn't going so sell.

DidntQuit,

We talked all day Saturday and all day Sunday. It's not going well at all. Today, she is with her parents having a garage sale.

DidntQuit,]

What will IB look like if/when I move out?

She's saying she wants to date and she knows she's going to fall for the first guy that shows any interest in her.