This too. he is very embarrassed about any physical problem. He had back surgery last year due to a herniated disc, he HATED talking about going to the doctor or the surgery. I mean, hated it to the point I had to tell him it was unacceptable for him to leave me out of the planning because it impacted me too.

Are you saying that you know that his medical issues render him unable to have sex? If so, why have you posted to this forum?

I am saying it is a concern for me, as I did in my first post. Are you saying it's not ok to ask for help in the face of medical issues? I did say in my first post that he has been depressed and I'm concerned about his testosterone level. I'm not sure why that would preclude getting some advise with trying to figure out how to get my emotional needs met. Unless I've missed it, I haven't read anywhere that MB doesn't work when illness is involved.

Just make sure that the medical side is taken care of.
The family is partly right. His IS an adult and you cannot make or force him to do anything. If he is depressed this surely makes it harder on him and you should definitely have him get treatment for that.

Still, it is his obligation to take part in his own healing and when he is able to go to work, he is also able to work on the marriage.

You made the analogy between his medical issues and cancer. I am asking you about the implications of seeing the issue in those terms.

You earlier said that your husband says that he will get help with his medical issues, and then he does not follow through. My posts to you have been trying to get you to insist on his going to the doctor and getting help. Since you have asked him repeatedly to deal with this issue and he hasn't, I suggested that you put the issue on the front burner for a limited time. The point about setting a limit on this (whether a month, or a year) is that you must do something at the end of that time, unless you are willing to continue indefinitely asking him to act. I took it from your post (and perhaps I should not have), that you did not want to go on asking and coaxing, to no effect, for another two years, or longer. I took it from that post that you wanted to force this issue, because you are desperate to get your husband to meet your needs.

If you do want to force the issue, then the only thing you can do at the end of the time is to withdraw from the situation - to call it quits. If you go on living like this, you are not forcing the issue, whereas if you leave, your husband might be woken up into seeking help, and you could reconcile with him. If he does not wake up, you could start a new life. Whatever choice you make - to reconcile when he has successfully dealt with the problem, or to leave him for good, you won't be living like this for another two years, or longer.

If you don't want to withdraw from the situation, you can either simply stop asking for the problem to be dealt with and accept your life as it is, or keep asking for it to be deal with - but as I said, I thought you'd had enough of that after two years.

However, if you see your H, who will not get this issue investigated, and who is therefore making a choice not to get help meet your needs, as analogous to the cancer sufferer who is receiving treatment and who (assuming impotency) has no choice, and who cannot meet your needs, then logically, you will act in the same way as the wife of the cancer sufferer. She will not leave her husband who is unable to meet her needs, and you will not leave yours - even though he is making a choice not to get help.

You are quite right that we do not leave our husbands with cancer, when they cannot meet our needs. We take care of them. If you see your husband as being unable to meet your needs, then take care of him. Do not leave him. Accept that he cannot meet your needs, and accept your life with its limitations, as you would if he had cancer.

You should rule it out first because if it IS porn, it's very damaging. Dr H has said men with a porn habit do ok sexually earlier on in the marriage, then health issues / age mean they dont have energy for both SF and porn. In that situation they will always choose porn because it's quick and easy.

You could address some testosterone issues, see a short term improvement only to have this issue bubble away undiscovered. DO make double, double sure. I'm glad you have a key logger, but you have smelled a rat when he talks about it and I believe your instincts are right (they always are with concerned spouses around here). Get spyware on devices and you should know what he is viewing on YouTube too.



He should know you are all over the situation, won't miss a trick and won't tolerate it and won't allow him time alone on devices.

That may mean password protecting items so he only uses things when you are there or it may mean him having a dumb phone.

MB does not work where one spouse refuses to meet the needs of the other.

The cancer sufferer with ED, or the disabled spouse, can meet the need for sexual fulfilment in other ways, if he is willing. Sexual fulfilment does not have to mean sexual intercourse, as we all know. However, for the impaired spouse, there has to be a recognition that it is his duty to meet his wife's needs in some way if he can. He needs to have a degree of goodwill if he is to explore those other avenues to fulfilment.

Your husband is incapable only to the point that as he has not had this issue thoroughly investigated by a doctor, and in fact, he is not incapable of having this investigated, but instead, he is unwilling. That means that he is, so far, refusing to meet this particular need. He does not accept, with goodwill, that you have a legitimate need that must be met in your marriage.

Now, you have a choice to make about that unwillingness. You are NOT in the same position as the wife whose husband is so impaired that he cannot meet her needs at all, and will never be able to. You are a wife who can ask for much more consideration in her marriage, and she can leave when it is not forthcoming.

You can choose to become a lifelong carer for your husband, who will not seek help for himself, if you wish, but if you make that choice, then you need to accept that this is your life.

As his parents say, he is an adult, and he IS capable of making the choice to seek help, but he will not. You can carry on as you are indefinitely, or you can force the issue. It's up to you.

But in this analogy YOU are the one who has the cancer he is refusing treatment for. He is OK. You are the person withering on the vine with neglect.

Besides I would totally leave someone who refused to get their own medical treatment. Absolutely. "I don't care about your viewpoint / impact of my health on us - I'm happy?" No way.

Men tend to loathe putting energy in non essentials (depression makes that worse!) and you must stress it is. Critical to the future of your marriage. Or he will assume he can just bypass this as a minor complaint.

It's only FAIR to give him a warning. Though you philosophically don't want to leave him, you'll end up doing so - even if you dont want to now.

That's how the love bank works.

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I am going to bring the issue to the forefront more consistently and see if I can get him to understand the seriousness of the problem, I think you all are right that I have been to passive and not followed up consistently enough to emphasis how much distress it is causing me. I told him this morning that in the next week he needs to schedule an appointment with a Dr. he previously told me would be the one he would go see. He said that he would, I hope this time he actually accomplishes it.
Edit: Indiegirl, I don't think he is "happy" though, I actually think he is very unhappy right now, not about our marriage, but about life in general, and I think why he is being so resistant to treatment is because he is at the place where you are not desperate enough to think "I can't go on like this", but also beyond the place where he can see that everything isn't that bad. I've seen him at this place before. Last time it took him doing nothing but sleeping and working for him to realize it was time to seek treatment despite my constant urging. I'm not excusing his behavior, because I don't understand not fixing what can easily be fixed, but I do think his actually state of mind is what is making him resistant.

Yes. Unfortunately he has to step up and he won't do that if you give him any wiggle room whatsoever.

Seems like you are well versed on MB principles. Have you used the Emotional Needs questionnaire provided here? Have you both read His Needs Her Needs? Considered the accountability program to get on track? MB coaching? Perhaps call the coaching center and get a directive from Steve Harley. Steve is helpful to get a husband on board and might be able to coach your husband out of this withdrawal before your problems increase. You could also write Dr Willsrd Harley on the radio show. Also have you read Dr Harley's article "why women leave men?" It's about men's tendency to be indifferent to their wives emotional needs and how to manage this problem.

Hi graceful, we have both read HNHN, I actually have the EN questionnaire sitting on our table right now. I have most of mine filled out, honestly I could have just told him my needs because after filling it out they are exactly what I thought.

H has not done his yet so I have not given him mine.I told him today as respectfully as I could that I don't want any more "I will...I want to...I promise" from him because they mean nothing at this point. I said it's hard for me to believe that you mean these things after saying it for so long and not doing it. I told him I need him to show me instead of talking. He said he will prove it to me. We shall see.
I think I read that article a while back but I honestly can't remember it so I will give it another look. I will look into the programs too. I gave them a brief look last week but since I hasn't been able tomake a simple phone call, I'm not sure about spending that much money before he shows at least some type of commitment beyond words.

He did comment today that he knows something is still "off" with him regarding his depression and that he needs to do soemtjing about it. So I'm hoping if I keep encouraging he will actually call at least one of the doctors this week.

DWM, I would be expecting that call to happen before he does anything else, before the day is out. When the surgery opens. When you were talking, he could have picked up the phone.

Communicate that you expect the marriage, and this most pressing problem to be more important than anything else.

When he said he was going to prove it, you could easily have asked him when.

Don't fear bearing down on this as long as you avoid lovebusters.

Indiegirl, I agree with you. Unfortunately they are not open the weekends and today is a holiday in the US and they were also not open today.

I didn't ask him when because I know his answer would be when they are open, which I've heard before. Should I ask a question if I already know the answer to it?

I have a question regarding the LB questionnaire. One of the things he does is get irritated when I get upset, like crying upset and I can't tell him right that minute what is wrong. It drives me up the wall because I'm the one who is upset about something and he says things like "I'm not doing this anymore, why won't you tell me what's wrong" over and over again.

I understand he wants to know what the problem is, but, I'm a very emotional person, and I learned along the way that I can't have a conversation when I'm so upset because either I can't think clearly enough to respectfully articulate the issue, or two sometimes it takes me a while to figure out why whatever the issue is upset me so much. I am always willing to talk about it after I've had a minute to get a grip, but sometimes he will push for a good half hour or more and by then I hardly want to see his face let alone have a constructive conversation about an issie.

What would that be considered when he won't let me not basically spill my guts in that instant? An SD? Or a DJ? Or an AO? I could really see it falling I'm to all three of those...?

Just say when you expect it to happen and how does he feel about that.

Some people start out making written complaints and banning the sort of immediate verbal complaints you describe.

I would get him on the online course here with a coach and access to Dr H. If he's behaving like this when you are crying you need someone like him to straighten him out for you.

I don't think he has much empathy for you and that will be the case until you mend some fences, eliminate lbs and meet needs. So have someone help you over the initial bumps.

Thanks for the suggestions indiegirl. We actually have been doing quite a bit of our talking about things through texting, as well as face to face. I've he sometimes seems to understand my point better if he sees it written as opposed to hearing me say it.

Is the course you are talking about the $959.00 course? To be honest, I'm not sure he would use it right. He isn't much for online communication. Basically the only thing he does online is read the new, find recipes and looks at things before we buy them. He doesn't even check is email unless I ask him to, or he is waiting for something specific.

My husband called his doctor this morning and the office phone isn't even ringing...just gives the message "the mailbox of the person you are calling is full and not accepting messages" I called myself to verify this... But, I am encouraged he actually made the call, and keeps texting me that the other line he is trying is busy.

You can possibly check online for their website and get their Contact Us or Schedule An Appointment links and maybe even find an alternate phone number or fax number.

LTL

Thanks LTL, I actually already emailed them, they have a power outage going on that is messing with their phones. Hopefully will be fixed soon. They don't schedule over email so he'll have to call when it's back up.

Did the appointment get made?

This thing where he presses you to "reveal all" is disabling to your relationship. My husband used to do that and eventually I figured out, at least for me it was a trap while we were going through a difficult time. It placed all the 'emotionality' between us or within him on me like I was that 'voice' between us. In other words he was projecting through me if that makes sense.

I stopped buying the bait. Yes, writing might help but like your husband my husband whom was likely depressed at the time would not read my notes. Or at least he'd claim he didn't have a chance.

What worked best for me was to simply say things like, "I'm not ready to discuss that right now and actually set a time when I was ready. Or I would say "I'm not enthusiastic about that." Things like that. But basically you don't want to get backed into a corner with him asking you "what's wrong?" It seems like he is showing care, but in our case at that time it was manipulative and seemed very dark to me. It was using my emotionality against me for his own benefit like a power move. I feel it's like a 'fix' for a depressed person who has disconnected from themselves emotionally and maybe even spiritually. Stay strong. You don't want to enter that dark hole with him. Stay outside and grounded. This will help you both in the long haul.