I need advice, ideas, about how to get my husband interested in doing MB. He thinks he is emotionally healthy and that all is good except for the fact that I'm not happy. He seems frustrated that I'm not happy but says there isn't anything he can do about it. I need to make myself happy. However, I know if he was interested in knowing my ENs and genuinely tried to meet them I'd be happy in our marriage. He says "i love you" once in awhile but I certainly don't feel like he is "in love" with me. He would say being "in love" isn't even real. He's very intellectual and detached with me. When I try to talk about my needs or things that are bothering me about our marriage I take ownership for them and ask for his support as I try to "improve". He takes this personally and gets angry at me for bringing up the topic when its my problem, not his. I think MB might help. Something has to. I'm definitely not "in love" with him. And I am not having an affair and can't imagine having one. He has made me feel so bad about myself that I can't imagine any man every falling "in love" with me. What is the best way to get a husband who isn't interested in reading books or following programs to try MB?

Have you seen this?
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

I'm sure you must be so frustrated right now, and probably in pain. But do you realize you have an amazing opportunity here to be the one to lead your H to love?

Not by asking him to meet YOUR needs (that has just caused conflict) but by focusing on his emotional needs as a starting point?

Before I found MB, I gave my H a piece of paper one day and told him how much I wanted to be a better W to him. I asked him to write down 5 things I could do for him that would show him I cared and loved him. It took him a few days but he did it and then I got to work doing those things regularly, with no expectations from him in return. He really responded to that by being more loving to me.

It was the gentle tipping of the first domino towards more love for each other.

We are now doing all of MB's and are very much in love with each other.

If your husband has made you feel bad to a point that you are left feeling, that you don't have any self worth - that's very concerning. Allthough I agree with inloveforlife, that fulfilling the needs of another person and leading by example can work, this may backfire in cases where there is obvious abuse.

Show him what is in the program for him. Tell him you want him to be as happy as can be and be a better wife for him. Then, try getting him to fill out the questionaires together. If he is making you feel bad, love busters questionaire could be better.

Could you tell us a bit more about your situation?
How long have you been married?, any kids?.
Do the two of you have opposite sex friends that are a problem?

He may need to be shown what's in all this for him.

He may view relationship talks as one big pain that spirals in to negativity and hurt. If that is how those talks end up, you are going to need to use a different approach.

I see a plus here. He wants you to be happy. But you aren't and he doesn't know what to do about that so he is frustrated.

I think you have an opportunity to create something wonderful here.

Hopefully you have addressed your love busters.

How did you get to this place with your H? What happened?

I too, would like to know about opposite sex friends.

The problem with that approach is that HE is happy. His ENs are being met to his satisfaction, which is why he doesn't see a problem with himself, and blames the entire problem on his wife.

The crux of the issue is the lack of the husband meeting the ENs of the wife. The husband needs a wake up call. His is remarkably lucky that the wake up call isn't in the form of an affair. He needs to be made to understand just how much is at risk. I would suggest frankly telling him that his behavior constitutes neglect, and if he doesn't address the problem, a separation is in his future. If he refuses to listen, then plan to separate.

Does your husband watch porn and masturbates to it?
Porn and/or affairs often cause men to be detached and neglectful of their wives' emotional needs.
Does sex seem mechanical and after sex do you feel used?
"He seems frustrated that I'm not happy but says there isn't anything he can do about it. I need to make myself happy" - this is unacceptable. As a husband, he has responsibilities that only he can fulfill, but to be receptive to this idea, he has to be free of porn, masturbation, and EA/PA.

The notion of each partner being separate and having no affect on the other is the hallmark of ingrained independent behavior. Asking you to be in total control of your own happiness within a marital relationship, or to remain separate, and not interdependent will lead to neglect.

If your husband is an intellectual IBer, it will be hard to convince him there is a better way. I know, its taken me an enormous effort.

Your husbands so-called 'good reasons' seem like steel trap logic. Right? And of course our culture and many individual therapists seem to track this way too. The notion of co-dependence gets incorrectly thrown around. (check Dr Harleys article about this)

Why are IBers so darn fierce about ensuring their own happiness and saying to you--- you are in charge of your own happiness?

Entrapped IBers want to be in control of their own outcomes. Their key to success in everything else outside their intimate relationship has been all about management of outcomes.

They get settled into this way of being successful and apply this to their so-called intimate partner too. Your husband is likely happy because he has convinced himself he is minding well his own outcomes. And as his partner, your happiness problem is all about you not doing the same. To ask him to shift his attention to your happiness just does not add up from his point of view!

Sure this IBer twisted logic can easily lead to or be part of affairs, porn and so on. At any rate this dynamic certainly sets your relationship up for a poor outcomes.

If I were you, I'd first off, call Steve Harley yourself. He can coach you to talk w/your husband. Eventually you'll want your husband to coach directly w/Steve. Seriously. You and your husband need to re-learn. Your goal will to become interdependent and in-love. The intelligence behind this will prevail if you both follow the instruments layed out.

Everyone, thank you! I lost my mb login and password and just found it so now I'm back. And since posting about a year ago nothing has changed.
To answer your questions, we have 1 son who is 13. I don't think my husband watches porn but I could be wrong. I assume he masturbates since he only wants to have sex once or twice a month. I don't think he is having an affair.

I just keep hoping that something I do or say will make him understand and care how I feel. I'm just tired -- nothing makes a difference. I lost 35 lbs last year and got lots of compliments from everyone at work and our friends -- often in front of him. He never said a word. I even embarrassed myself by telling him it hurt that everyone else noticed and complimented me but he didn't. His response was that everyone is beautiful, including me. It's exhausting. I'm really close to just giving up. I'd rather be single and celibate than live with unrequited love for this long.

Graceful2b you described my situation very well. He is very difficult to talk to/argue with and that, in itself, can be frustrating. I may end up giving Harley a call for myself.

I urge you to, KJ. Dr H is a miracle worker. I'm mystified why you haven't separated before this though when you've been here a year.

Dr H's advice is to meet his needs without expecting any comeback for six months and then vanish into a separation just when he is getting bonded and enjoying it.

I'm alarmed that you don't have spyware on someone with little sexual interest. He could be up to anything. Can't understand not separating either.

If what he is doing is enough to keep you, and keep himself happy - then why would he change anything?

I have a friend whose husband told her to make herself happy. She had a bag packed by the same evening and a note on the dresser explaining she had gone to make herself happy before she came to stay with me for a few days. Even I thought it was a bit of a quick bolt for the door and told her about Dr H's six month plan to prime the pump first! However she knew what she was doing - he came round straight away in a panic.

She told me she isn't a nagger she is a doer - it is the only way to be taken seriously.

Indigirl, I'm still here, primarily because of our 13 year old son. And also because we share common values and respect each other. Things could be worse. The only thing missing is emotional and physical intimacy. I have faith and I really don't want to start down the path towards divorce. He is a good man and a good father. I am not the perfect wife. I am not real attractive -- I'd say my body is below average and he is very very attractive. I also get depressed sometimes and while I try not to let it show, sometimes it just does.

Also, if I'm honest with myself I'm afraid if I left he would say "Good, maybe now you'll be able to be happy".

I'm going to take inloveforlife's advice and try to meet his needs better -- to show him what is in this for him. If that doesn't work I'll call Dr. Harley.

I really want this to work. I want him to be the kind of woman he wants to show love to and maybe, from his perspective, I'm love busting and don't realize it.

thank you!

You don't sound like you think you deserve much and that's a problem. You need to have a high bar.

Are you going to write Dr Harley?

Yes, please either write the radio show for interaction with Founder Dr Wiilard Harley or as I suggested call Dr Harley's son Steve Harley to be coached directly over the phone.

My husband was entrapped with the notion I am responsible for my own happiness too. He appreciates this is not correct at this point. I can't say I am entirely responsible for helping him learn this valuable lesson. I have to give credit to MB and Godly interventions that continue to this day.

rather then ask your husband how you can be a better wife, use the EN questionnaire found on this site. Both fill out the questionnaires.

You will likely note your husband either not filling it out or answering in a way to not obligate himself to meeting your needs. I found the intellectual notion of being responsible for ones own happiness from an intrenched IBer like this is really nothing more then a pedestrian "renter" to a intimate relationship. They use this "we are each responsible.....blah blah blah." ....to freely move about getting needs met elsewhere in a secret way. Could be self gratification, porn, OS relationships, obsessive focus on a work goal or recreational goal and So on. They way they argue their points is done in away that seems superior to any other perspective and helps you wonder about your own worth.

It's throwing your perspective like a vantrilquest throwing his voice to send you off checking your own 'outer suit' and inner being for answers. Go look at what he is up to. Shine some Intel on him. I'm guessing it will reveal he is being like the wizard of oz when toto throws back the curtain and there he is a common man posturing with a megaphone!

Wanted to add that Steve Harley has his own logic... like he might start with 'Wouldn't it be the best result for your wife to be in love with you?"

He starts with the goal and then works backwards.
THen he would talk about doing the Emotional Needs Questionnaire to find out what ENs are the most important to you.
THen you can talk about how to fulfill those emotional needs.