My story is rather long but parts are necessary to get the whole picture.
I was widowed for 7 years after a 17 year marriage of extreme emotional and verbal abuse. After finding who I was and cleaning up my baggage and mess, I met someone on Christian Mingle.
He appeared to be everything I was looking for and then some. I am a devoted Christian and prayed through the process. We clicked from the start and our relationship grew quickly. He proposed to me 2 months after meeting me saying he'd never felt this way before and didn't want to let me go. He was crazy in love and always doting on me, sending me love quotes that reflected my feelings as well. He knew my hurts and weaknesses. So many details but will try to keep it short. I was looking for someone who had been like me I guess,only who was a Christian man recovering from a broken marriage, seeking a partner for life. I was celibate 7 years, and did not expect that from a guy but hoped that there weren't many women between the last wife and myself. He was divorced 3 years. Told me there had been 3 women. Long story short, there were more like 7 or 8 all from various dating sites, there were loads of pictures and sex videos on his laptop I begged to be removed after he started putting pictures of us on there. He has an insanely busy schedule so it took weeks. He finally did make some effort but in the end I had to completely clean it which was very painful for me. He seemed sorry about it all but I did understand it was past and before me. I later found a file with more new women we removed after I asked many questions about them. I needed to know what those 3 years before me were like. He was always loving, gentle, patient, kind and made me feel better. We shared our pain and hurts about our relationships and how he ended up where he was. Always truthful about it. When he held me I told him I felt safe. I was very involved in my church and he started attending with me too. Which makes me feel awful about jumping in so quickly intimately and letting him move in so early. He had me fooled and honestly I had myself convinced deep down no one would really want me like that. My emotional scars with that ran pretty deep. He wanted and adored me and I fell into it.hmm
One night months after he proposed he opened his phone and quickly exited where he was but I was lying next to him and saw it was a picture of women's breasts. He swore it wasn't and sent me immediately a pic of his chest. (Turns out later it was the same pic he sent back to boobs lady )
I just had unsettled feelings and soon after I learned there was porn on his phone after he gave it to me to send out a text while he was driving. I accidentally touched the Explorer icon next to the messaging icon and it popped up. He stopped, made me look in his eyes as he vehemently lied to my face saying he didn't look at it, made up some stories, but I figured it out when we pulled up his history and he fessed up. I wondered about the laptop and confronted him with what I found that made me sick, porn and dating sites. He owned the porn but not that particular dating site, begged for reconciliation and said he was relieved it was out and wanted me more than anything. We were in the midst of picking out a waterfall location for our wedding and we moved forward with his assurance it was all ok. I loved him, he seemed sincere, couldn't live without me, and he treated me better than I had ever been and felt so loved and adored.
married in early July.
August I found an old phone that revealed the "boob" woman from earlier and disgusting sex talk between them. I confronted him and he was an emotional disaster, promised me he never slept with her and cried with me for weeks through my pain and recovery. I was devastated and he wanted to die for putting me through it.
Then recently found
his original phone before he had purchased our new ones last May, he kept the old one til it quit shortly after. It had been lying around so I had the screen repaired to surprise him with a spare, (he uses it for his business too) so thought it a practical idea.
I opened it up and saw a pending text from before it broke and it was from me, aww.
wait. ....who were all these women?!
He proposed in Feb. We made 4 trips to Tennessee from Illinois to pick the perfect waterfall, met his parents and family, and these texts were from end of April into end of May, one call into June when we began our pre marital counseling. I was shocked and numb. 7 women from Plenty of fish, and all began with "hey beautiful. .." (how he began my texts too....)
vulgar sex talk and plans to meet.
Confronted him with it and he didn't argue or even try to lie. He knew he was about to lose everything. I made him sit next me. I said, you are going to sit next to your wife and read every one of these before we talk. He had admitted to having sex with two. One of them once which was reflected in her texts...
I know they ended abruptly, because without his knowledge I had been all through his phone with a fine tooth comb, over past few months just to be sure there was no porn....and without him knowing I knew it was true they had ended.
this was a month ago that I learned this. He has met with a pastor/friend and I met separately with his wife and we are in recovery. I have asked for porn and dating site blocks put into place. He downloaded a recommended one but can't get it to work right which should be fixed this weekend. He is seeking an accountability partner and we are now in a small group at church. Going through a book *EDIT*.
ironically the next chapter on
purity address alot
of what we are going through.
Why am I still here? Part of me asks the question daily. I asked for details on everything and he answered me because he thought I was leaving and didn't have anything to lose. I read an article 8 rules to help your spouse through infidelity and asked him to read it because it reinforced what I was going through to give him a better understanding.
I pointed out the time frames to him what was going on with us and how could it be humanly possible for him to do these things.
what he tells me is that he was in a terrible place spritually, emotionally, had been hurt and in a downward spiral, really never did totally leave the dating sites left for a period but came back in the spring (while he was planning our wedding. ...!)
He confessed all,,I guess...
understands and owns what he did, says it wasn't me, I was doing everything right, it was him fighting his inner demons. He said he is where he is today because I helped him get here. He said no one ever really valued him for long and was waiting for me to come in one day and pull the rug out. ....in a way I feel he did it to me but that aside I guess I hurt because he gave in and didn't fight for me but let me live a lie of false love and security.
And BTW we were intimate every morning and every night so he was leaving me, texting them while in the tub in the a.m. or at night before sleep, having sex with them and later with me. I drove that one home hard....
He appears extremely remorseful and my pastor believes there is truth in that it did end 5 weeks before our marriage and there has been nothing since.
My husband says he hates himself for not seeing what he had and for the pain he has and is causing me. We have talked it out to exhaustion.
I realize technically we were not married even though we were living like we were, I had let him move in with me in January last year.
so I guess where I am now is dealing with the betrayal, trying to figure out how to trust and believe him. If true that it did end last year around this time, and he has been "clean" all this time, all the while I was growing with him in marriage, then how do I learn what I just mentioned, and what do you think? Is there anything else I should be doing?

Hi Lindy, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am puzzled about one thing, has he communicated with any of these women since you were married? Your story is extremely long and hard to follow. I wonder if you could condense it down so it is easier for people to help you?

A couple of things stand out to me. You seem to be assured by his overtures of "remorse. " That is a mistake. If you look back over his history, he was "remorseful" after you caught him every time. It never prevented a repeat. And it never will.

The solution to this problem is to completely affair proof your marriage by removing the means he used to pursue his affair. It sounds like you might have done this by putting blocks on his phone. What about your computer at home? My suggestion would be to quietly slip a key logger on his computer and spyware on any phone he uses. A good key logger and cell spyware is eblaster at spectorsoft.com.

The way that you learn to trust him is to make it impossible for him to cheat again. Any "trust" that you afford him should be based on what you can SEE. For example, you will feel trust if you can see every thing he does when he is not with you. That can be achieved with spyware.

Sorry for your hurt but I would divorce this guy ASAP and cut your losses. He lied and deceived you before, during and after your wedding. You seem to want to believe any nonsense he throws your way because of his crocodile tears and empty promises. It was a very bad decision to marry given that you KNEW he was a liar and a cheater.

There is nothing to save here IMO. You deserve better and shouldn't settle.

Expose him to all of his and your family and friends, so that they can support you.
I think the chances of him ever being exclusive are very very slim and you would have to watch him day and night, basically being his babysitter, he couldn't even have a smart phone.

Do not make the mistake of recoverin just like that. He married you under false pretenses. You could even have your marriage annulled. He posed as a faithful partner who cares about you. If you had known the truth, that he never meant to give up having sex with other women and that he was a sleaze, you would never have answered his first post.

And get tested for STD's asap. Do not have sex with him and repeat the test after 2-3 months.
And have your thread moved to "surviving an affair" by clicking the notify button below each post.

Trust is a reaction, not something you are supposed to do. Tell him to act in a way that inspires trust.

Would you try to figure out a way to laugh if your husband wasn't funny?

Hi Lindy

What's the verse in Mathew telling us not to throw our "pearls of a great price" to pigs.

Anyway, your situation makes me think of this verse. Sorry don't have exact quote.

Somehow you have been misguided and have been much too generous towards intimate partners whom are harming you and exploiting your generousity. Protect your gifts. Sure we.have to be vulnerable to have intimacy but your husband has mislead you over and over. It's a very strong pattern and not a one off slip or mistake. Your husband has an addiction to porn and cheating. Perhaps this is a new form, but this is another relationship based on abuse.

There is little to selvage. Stick around for help for yourself and a better future without this guy.

Hi Melody, there has not been contact since last year, it's just that I now found out about it. I am very anxious and shaken. I will try the spyware, I need to make sure it's totally gone.

Thank you for the feedback everyone.

Melody, we are in some small groups trying to rebuild. He has a male accountability partner who is putting a good block on his phone, is the spyware still necessary? Won't the blocks prevent him from going to questionable places?

The spyware is absolutely necessary.

Won't he see his download notification? How do i do it without him knowing?

You need the spyware so you know everything he is typing, doing. He will still be able to email and text and that is what you need to watch.

You would erase any trace of the download.