I'm at a crossroads with my marriage and can really use some advice.

Some background information first. I found out my h was having an emotional affair with a coworker, which was heartbreaking and made me physically sick. After some stupid decisions regarding their "friendship", seeing a physic and counseling, it is over and there is no more contact. It has been a painfully slow recovery, I haven't been able to forgive much less forget about the incident. I feel like I was manipulated by my h regarding the affair during that time, for example, he promised me he would be open and honest regarding their communication but then stopped and I found out they were just saying hi on FB and lots of comments on each others pictures etc. Once again he apologized and promised to change.
She is now out of the picture, she no longer works there and has found a new boyfriend and moved in with him. I thought we were making slow progress.

Two days ago we had a fight that brought back a lot of painful memories. It started over me saying I still have trust issues about him, which he was shocked and asked what issues. I reminded him about the affair and the problems we had about it. His responses were; that happened a long time ago that doesn't matter anymore, he knows his mistake was not telling me about their close friendship, my jealousy made that situation worse and its no different than his friendship with his male coworker (they also have lunch breaks/smoke etc). I was stunned how can he believe his only mistake was not being honest with me about their friendship! It felt like he cut open a wound and i had to hold back my tears.

The fight then turned towards me and my mistakes about also giving home trust issues about me. For example, me going through his FB messages behind his back (how I found out about the affair), me friending an ex-bf of over 10yrs ago (no messages or comments) answering a hello how are you message from another ex, which I showed him immediately. He didn't like it and asked me to unfriend them which I did.
The next day I tried to talk about the issues but that failed horribly. I told him I felt betrayed by the one person I thought wouldn't, and said yes I put him in the same category as ex's who hurt me which he did! He started yelling saying I am unbelievable and It's always what I say because I am always right, he storms off into the bathroom. I waited for him to calm down and asked if we can talk about it, he said no doesn't want to talk anymore. Not once have I been able to explain to him how much his comments hurt me, before he begins arguing back at me and stating my mistakes. I sent him a text if he can please stay at his moms house because I need space, his response was "No, how about you think about how I'm being treated unfairly in this marriage seems like you don't know how you make me feel." He tells me I make him feel guilty for his mistakes and bring him down because of them. Where I am the saint and my mistakes are forgiven.

I feel stuck and emotionally numb. I am seriously considering getting a divorce. I just can't see myself being married to a childish man who lives independently from me and the kids. He comes home from work, takes a nap(he works at 4am), spends a few hours with the kids while I cook(most of it playing games on his phone), then spends 3-4hrs playing video games on his PS4 until he decides to go to sleep. I no longer feel emotionally connected to him. I know I deserve better than this, I just feel stuck since we have 2 young kids. I can't take any more pain from this dysfunctional marriage.

Hi mmot, I can completely understand why you don't trust him, he is untrustworthy. Since he doesn't even accept responsibility for his affair, it is very likely that it will happen again. But, the biggest problem is that you are tolerating his horrendous behavior. Because of this, he has no motivation to change. He seems to be very adept at manipulating you. That has to change if you want the situation to change.

I would have a discussion with him about what it will take to recover your marriage. If he won't do these things, you will live a life of hell and are very probably facing another affair.

I would start by affair proofing your marriage. He should eliminate his facebook account entirely and give you full access to his phone and email. His life should be so transparent that it would be impossible to cheat.

Set him down and explain that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. no more social media, such as Facebook, twitter, etc

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, access to his phone

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph if necessary

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

Here is Dr Harley's checklist.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you for your helpful response melodylane. About some of the steps, he has already eliminated all social media accounts, we went to a psychic who confirmed no physical affair, he's always home directly after work but is playing games on his phone until bedtime routine when he plays on his PlayStation for the rest of the night, how can we create an integrated life when he's home but mentally busy? His response to me over gaming is that it is his hobby and he barely gets to play. Regarding phone transparency, he has the new iPhone which only unlocks with his fingerprint how can that be open?

After some reading on here, I realize I am in withdrawal. I find it difficult to see him fulfill my needs when I don't even want to talk to him. I'm not sure how to begin opening up to him.

I hope you are joking about this?


In order to create a romantic marriage, you should be scheduling 20 hours per week of undivided attention time meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. This should be done in 4 4 hour dates out of the house. If you are doing that, then he won;t have time to play games every night.


You would need access to his phone. Tell him you have to have access to his phone at all times. Once you have access to it, I would quietly slip spyware on it.

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And he can still play his game. That can be scheduled after your marriage time and family time. His marriage is the most important thing in your lives and nothing should come before that.

You can resolve all these problems using PoJA. You don't friend an ex without his approval, he only plays games in a way that you enjoy.

These are minor issues without affair recovery though.

His very foggy, minimalist attitude sounds like he never went through exposure. His attitude is typical of an 'I have two women and I have the power to choose'.

I am sure if you had, your friends and family would have dissuaded you from psychics (of course there was a physical affair) and they would also have smacked some shame into him.

Are you willing to expose?

Is the psychic familiar with Marriage Builders principles?