Too bad my W's friends H didn't know about this in his first marriage, he wasted 10 years with an on again off again wife.

Gamma

Still not sure when I should mention the divorce/affair in the dating process. When would you want to know if you were meeting a guy to date?

Me? upfront. The only reason to hide a divorce is if one thinks it's "shameful" in my opinion. Your divorce wasn't shameful, it was necessary. I don't think you need to necessarily need to into the specifics right away, but basically saying, "I was married and I decided to divorce because she had an affair and wouldn't end it, even after my best efforts to save it" would be OK. A nice girl will probably ask you a few questions, then drop it and bring it up slowly over tine, here and there.

Also--as a side note, I actually could see how it would be hard for the new wife of a widower. He lost his wife through death, not mistreatment. I can see her saying, "I wonder if he'll ever love me like he loved her?" In your case, it's much easier for a woman to come in and say, "hey, she broke his heart, cheated, left. I'm winning by just treating him with care." The biggest thing is to keep your ex wife AWAY if and when you get remarried.

I know for myself, it was a HUGE decision to divorce the father of my child. It sucks. But he will be OUT of my life FOREVER as a gift to myself and any future husband. The biggest thing is to continually protect the new relationship. Then she will have nothing to fear if she knows that you will protect HER and not have to worry about the ex.

One concern I have is how not to seem like a paranoid and controlling person when I tell my future girlfriend that we need to follow MB principles or otherwise there's no future for us. Most people (including me prior to my ex's affair) have no idea how common infidelity is or how we are all wired for affairs. I guess I'll start her off with Dr. Harley's video on infidelity.

I probably wouldn't mention MB on the first date (no need to). I would bring it up if things got serious or if you got engaged. A woman who is serious about you probably won't think of it as controlling, but rather as something good. You've been through the worst thing a person can go through in marriage and don't want it to happen again and know how to prevent it. Heading toward marriage, these are actually things you SHOULD think about, but most people don't (I know I didn't). My pre-marital counseling consisted of like 15 mins with a pastor.

People seriously don't know how to be married. If you present, "hey, this is how we can protect each other and stay in love" that's a good thing. But don't worry about it until marriage is a serious consideration IMHO.

What I would look for upfront, is evidence of good character. And don't ignore any crazy red flags (financial irresponsibility, moving too fast, a history of chaos, etc).

It would only be an issue if your ex came around and you allowed her to interfere with a new relationship (ie, poor boundaries).

I would bring it up if things got serious or if you got engaged. A woman who is serious about you probably won't think of it as controlling, but rather as something good.

One concern I have is how not to seem like a paranoid and controlling person when I tell my future girlfriend that we need to follow MB principles or otherwise there's no future for us. Most people (including me prior to my ex's affair) have no idea how common infidelity is or how we are all wired for affairs. I guess I'll start her off with Dr. Harley's video on infidelity.

I wish I could even have "saved" myself for whoever my future wife is because I know what it's like to feel cheated in that regard, but if there's a consolation at least it is that this first marriage was mostly sexless so it won't be hard to exceed it in that area.

I had a strictly orthodox view of divorce/remarriage (only in case of adultery), sincerely held, for most of my life.

It wasn't until somewhat recently that I allowed myself to accept I Corinthians 7/abandonment of an UNBELIEVING spouse as permission to be free of the marriage and to remarry. However, this places the believer subject to several flukes (that the spouse does not profess to be a believer and will initiate the leave and file for divorce).

My unbelieving spouse wouldn't do that, so there I sat, subject to the abuse, and my health being run down.

In one of the million+ prayers where I was PLEADING with God to please show me a way to survive while honoring His will for a married believer, God finally in answer to finally, ONE of those prayers by directing me to the last half of Isaiah 28, where Israel has entered into a covenant of death (parallel: marriage was always refereed to as a covenant in my church) in which God is instructing them to exit. This is a new concept for me....the first time I realized there is a place in the Bible where God is telling his people to BREAK a COVENANT.

God tells them the bed will never be long enough or the covers wide enough to find comfort. The chapter concludes with the command to take a stick and beat it out. The final verse stood alone, didn't really mix in with the rest of the chapter but it simply said something about God's ways are higher than ours and we must rely on his wisdom (all of this is completely paraphrased - I read it in the KJV, so not sure if the other translations would bear out this paraphrasing.) In spite of endless prayers for wisdom to know what to do, only this ONE time I was given to understand that God had heard my prayer and directed me to an answer.

I just wanted ever so much to trust in God and take the step to beat it out, but my social structure would not support that (nor at the time my own narrow viewpoint). I would be risking a divorce against everything I had ever believed ...plus be sentenced to be single for the rest of my life unless I risked censure and excommunication), neither of which seemed like a possibility to me.

I continued in my marriage in complete disobedience to this command of the Lord's, and everything only become more miserable by the week and month. Eventually I was about to break and was losing my health. I think God finally took mercy on my well intentioned (how can I do this within the word of God as I understand it?) but ignorant disobedience, knowing I'd run myself to the grave before I'd intentionally provoke a divorce that was not in what my narrow viewpoint understood his favor to be. God permitted me to get the "fluke" several years later when my xH said he was going to divorce me, and imitate the filing.

Because now I had I Cor 7 to rest on, I put this struggle away and didn't think of it anymore.

Then I met a very wonderful divorced man who had similar struggles as mine, but he did NOT get the fluke that I got (an unbelieving spouse who filed). Rather his wife (contrary to her fruits) did claim to be a believer and he eventually had to be the one to file.

In my heart and soul I had to admit his situation was no different than mine, and it sent me back to learn and understand Isaiah 28 better. In my research, I came across a woman who had endured a similar situation and her writings really opened my eyes to how Isaiah 28 fit with God's teachings on divorce.

There is a passage (in Matthew I believe?) which describes church discipline procedures where if someone is offending you, you go and tell him by yourself. If the offense won't stop you come back with 2 or 3 witnesses. If it still doesn't stop, it goes to the church for discipline and ultimately the person is put out as an unbeliever and excommunicated (please excuse my paraphrasing again).

This beautifully reconciles Isaiah 28 (beating out the covenant with death) with 1 Cor 7. Think about it - where does the Bible's standard remedies for misbehavior (in this Matthew passage, or in Proverbs regarding an angry man, etc etc) EVER say "unless the other person is a spouse, and then you just have to take it". No where. NEVER!!!

I believe our churches do a horrendous disservice by ignoring completely what one should DO in a marriage when the other partner does not behave - and further, refuses to behave - within the principals of marriage as God designed them. I've hear so many wives submit/husbands love sermons where it is simply pretended that that's all there is to it, that if I EVER attend a church where there's another one, I will walk out and go home.

I couldn't have obeyed better or submitted better to fix my marriage. We need ACTIONABLE teaching within the guidelines of God's Word for how to fix our marriages when the start to wobble, not a bunch of pablum puke pretending all we need to know is what the other person is supposed to do.

Then we need a remedy for when our spouse refuses to cooperate whatsoever within the institution of marriage. God does not intend for us to be in a situation that our health is unable to bear (another paraphrase)...there has to be a solution.

I'm very much at peace with my new understanding of a Christian's liberty to divorce under these circumstances. I may pay for it with censure/excommunication in the future, but I am willing to stand by my convictions because I know them, and have experienced them, to be the will of God in my life.