It's not rational, agreed.

Yes.

Though...increasingly, I can't conceive of a situation where I'd take her back even if she agreed to EPs and such before December. I wouldn't take her back if she was reluctant about anything (as many BHs on here do) and if she was enthusiastic, I would have such a difficult time trusting her that it's hard to imagine becoming excited about the idea.

Every time I read about a false recovery on here it's another nail in the coffin of my willingness. I think...why? Why would I roll the dice on that?

I doubt anything changes so I feel that part of it is an academic discussion. A lot of waiting till December is to prevent myself from getting involved with anyone new before then.

Ax

You wrote, there's a consolation at least it is that this first marriage was mostly sexless so it won't be hard to exceed it in that area.

Would you want to go back to that?

Gamma

We didn't have MB. I think the approach here would have produced very different results.

I know you're being facetious, but that's the problem with picking and choosing what to believe. I think it's important to study the Bible and learn what it says, trying not to force your own beliefs into the interpretation. I think the Bible is written in a straightforward manner, but we too often want it to say what it does not or not to say what it does. So we do linguistic gymnastics to make it fit what we want to believe. The problem is, we're not the ones who decide right and wrong.

Indeed. I cannot even imagine taking mine back. I get the shakes when he comes to the door to get my daughter. The fact that I have a physical reaction even in Plan B makes me think it would be impossible. He is so unsafe and such a horrible bet... Why, indeed.

Maybe it's because I was married longer and got married younger than you guys, but I can't get the image of the sweet, innocent girl I married out of my mind. I'm having a hard time giving up on her even though we're officially divorced.

Piglet,

You are having a physical reaction because he is coming to your door.
You are not in Plan B. In Plan B you would not be exposed to him coming to your door.

No. I'm being very straight forward.
Some people refuse to divorce because their church tells them not to.
Harley himself once counseled a woman and recommended that she leave her husband after he tried to bury her alive. Her church became upset and never referred another member to him for counseling.

If the lady was going to be bound by a church's rules she could find one that did not say she must submit to being buried alive.

Okay so you have delivered the Plan B letter and she has someone to contact if she wants to end her affair and commit to recovery (IM)?

In that case, I think it comes down to: choose a church that isn't crazy. I think it's easy enough to find a church that reveres the scriptures without being pharasaical.

I don't see or talk to him. I stay completely behind the door when he drops her off. I just open the door and shut it the second she comes in. He just leaves her things outside. If my dad is home he gets the door. I don't really have another alternative for the door situation until I can put her in preschool.

I haven't see him physically or talked to him in 8 months. Just his existence bothers me.

Piglet,
I understand your situation.
I am pointing out that you are having emotional reactions just from your limited exposure to him.
I've been on this forum for years and those that follow Plan B strictly seem to move forward better than those that don't. In the case of BW's, they usually write about how much more liberated they feel after a few months while those who remain in contact post about their WH's and stress.

I do feel very liberated.

I have done everything earthly possible to keep him away and it has worked. preschool will totally eliminate any at home pick ups and even if that does need to happen from time to time, she is only getting older, so she'll be able to let herself out soon. Until that time, I continue to just hide completely behind the door and let her out.

If you're 37 and had been married for 16 years, then we married at about the same age. I was 22 when I got married.

I'm not sure what I can add that I haven't already said about my ex....surely I remember the woman I married but I haven't given her a behavioral blank check to cover all of what has happened in the last year.

I also believe marriage is sacred and this is all a tragedy, but I would be foolhardy to just jump back into things with her given the advice I've received from Dr. Harley and many experienced posters here NOT to do that.

Math obviously isn't my strong point.

2x4 time for me.

No, I came up with a draft of the letter and never actually sent one. I waffled on whether to send one or not before the D was final since she had actually printed out my Plan A emails and brought them to the RO hearing as evidence of stalking/harassment, and by the time D was final I was asking myself "Do I really even want her to know the door is open till the end of the year?"

I do have a friend ready to go as an IM, he's read the thread on how to do it and I've talked to him about how to do it, but no I didn't send any Plan B letter.

Only communications I've received from her are a few emails since I filed D back in January and they were all property demands that I ignored and did not respond to.

So yeah...I'm not following all of the rules here but I don't really know how much it matters since she doesn't attempt to make any contact with me anyways. And our situation is a bit odd also since D is already final.

She's checked out here, she's not going to try to contact me.

Heh heh, no worries.