Start inviting her on a regular basis. As the husband, you are in an excellent position to "prime the pump" and get your marriage on the right track. Start planning dates and start inviting her to escape with you.

Show her what's in it for her by getting the book Lovebusters and eliminating your disrespect altogether. Let her know that you are committed to never disrespecting her again, and this is the program you are going to use to reach that goal.

I am betting she does take time for herself, though. Even the most avid supermom sometimes has to get away for an escape. (I'm married to a homeschooling mom of 7 - I should know!) What you need to do is get involved in that escape. Married people need to escape together.

Also, please take seriously MelodyLane's admonition to check thoroughly where she is going and who she is talking to.

I'd have a PI follow her to verify nothing else is going on, because IF she is having an affair, all the advice we are giving you will not work. You will need to take some additional steps to save your marriage.

You need to be 100% sure.

I don't see escapism as a problem. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist, and his position is that we all need an escape. But married people need to escape TOGETHER.

I would be very careful not to accuse her of "escapism." That's a disrespectful judgment, and if you want to rekindle your wife's interest in you, you need to abstain from judging or criticizing her choices at all.

Also, I am sure she is depressed. According to Dr. Harley, the number one cause of depression in women is their relationship with their husband or boyfriend. She has emotional needs she needs you to meet and if they aren't met, she is likely to become depressed. Frequently a depressed woman's outlook on life turns around immediately when she again has a good relationship. Which brings me to this:


ABSOLUTELY.

She was with her mom. Her mom's car was at our house and they both came home together. Other times its when she is out with girlfriends latish. Usually in a group. And they usually ride together somewhere. She answers the phone when I check-in with her and her friends are there in the background. She just isn't punctual. Either that or she chronically underestimates when she will be home, maybe to make it sound less late when she tells me she is going?

The times she is out with girlfriends is a huge waving red flag. That is when married people hook up. I would take a closer look. Women who go out with friends at night often do have affairs. That is not how typical married people behave.

Its real important that you take a close look and rule out an affair. The reason is because nothing will have any effect if we are giving you the wrong advice. If she is having an affair the advice will be completely different.

I agree with your last paragraph, but I'm afraid we really are just that boring. I have my eyes wide open to anything, but I'm not going to hire a PI, not without something more real to indicate it.

And I'm not sure I agree with you that normal married people don't go out with same gender groups - its very common in our part of the country. Maybe not totally healthy, but certainly within the "norm". I go out for happy hour after work with co-workers about once a month, or maybe to an action movie with my brothers or other guy friends once every 3-4 months. I'm not having an affair. And I don't mean to make it sound like she is always out at night. Its probably once a month or so, and to rather harmless places like Starbucks, or cheesecake factory, or Target with groups from church - and like I said, the people she leaves with and arrive with check out. And her credit card statements check out. Its just that she isn't punctual.

Now that I think about it, the most common times she is late is when she goes to a relatives house with the kids. There is absolutely no way she is hooking up in those situations - the kids are with her the entire time, and honestly, she doesn't go very many places alone. Its just that she either estimates time very badly, which she does, or maybe that she also cares more about chit-chatting with her mom or my sister than about coming home when she said she would.

I will address as suggested about - "It bothers me..."

Sounds like you're not quite getting what my wife said. Don't talk as if punctual is right and not punctual is wrong; just tell her it bothers you when she is later than she said she would be.

Meanwhile, today is going much better already. She went to lunch with a girlfriend (and the children) after going to the gym, and this girl seemed to encourage her to become a multifaceted woman who is a mom but also the other things she wants to be. This girl is a mom, a karate brown belt, tough mudder, writer, and white-tail hunter. (My wife and I do share a lot with each other, can you tell?)

But the cool part is that she has 2 bucks hanging in her living room. After years of stating that such could never hang in her house, my wife told me tonight that I could hang the next good buck I bag in the entry-way.

We have seen it play out more often than not that the men who are unwilling to snoop are the ones who are more likely to be blindsided.

And how has that been working out for your marriage?
If you want a better marriage, you are going to need to adopt a new "norm." People who have happy marriages do not do this.

Almost anywhere you live, "normal" is marriages that suck.

I hear what you're saying but I do snoop. I call and check in on her often. She's always where she said she would be. And it's always with people I can verify that with. Nearly always my own kids.

I agree it might be normal in some circles. The evidence is the thousands of affairs that show up over on the Survivng an Affair forum. That is how affairs happen. And you might not be having an affair, but thousands of others are. I know people who smoke cigarettes who never get sick, but that doesn't mean smoking is wise.


And you go with her and follow her, right? I am wondering how you know who she is with. The fact that she is with friends does not mean she is not having an affair. Friends cover up for friends.


Not sure why any of this rules out an affair. But you already said she goes out with friends alone. That is an opportunity to have an affair.

None of the reasons you have given here rule out an affair. What will rule it out is actually investigating. You don't need to rely upon speculation and hope when you can actually check it out.

This is not snooping!!

Do you follow her?

When you say stuff to your wife like this, you are trying to educate her. It's another form of disrespectful judgment, and it's a love buster. Don't tell your wife how to think.

No, an emotional need is something you can't meet for yourself. It's something that, when somebody meets it for you, it tends to cause you to fall in love with that person.

According to Dr. Harley, there are plenty of happily married introverts who like alone time. But their spouse is so pleasant to be around and so good at meeting their emotional needs that being with their spouse IS their alone time, and feels like being alone! My wife is exactly like that.

My wife managed to have an affair with my kids around.