Hi. I'm new here. My husband and I are a young married couple. We've been married for two years, and initially got married because I became pregnant with twins. I've been reading MB a lot for a long time and try to show my husband some of the things I read. It sometimes works.

He used to be extremely abusive to me: rape, threaten, control. It took me to have a suicide attempt for that to change.. and once it changed things got a lot better. Although I still had a little resentment to get over. He really tried everything to regain my trust, and it worked. But then he stopped all together and that was a bit hard to deal with. He became very emotionally withdrawn this past year. And he started a new job that took up most his time. He started working 72 hours a week and I never got to see him.And when he did ha day off... he would not want to talk to me. Typically told me I was annoying or to stop talking, or often ignore me.

Since he told me he really didn't want to talk to me I started to go on chat websites and find men who did want to talk to me and give me attention. My husband didn't like it and told me to stop. So I asked him if he could give me more attention and conversation. He didn't. And so I went back to talking to men online. And he found out and he got extremely upset with me all over again. I honestly do want to stop.. but I hate being alone and feeling unwanted, which is what makes it hard to stop.

And after the second time of him finding out and fussing. I started again for a 3rd time.. but this time with just one man... who lives very close to me. My husband is convinced I'm having sex with men, but I'm not. I'm just talking to them. He wants to get a divorce and keep the kids.

I know I'm wrong for entertaining other men. But I think he's over reacting for the situation... I'm not "in-love" with anyone. I'm not having sex with anyone.

I don't want him to divorce me. I want things to work out. But he doesn't trust me at all.

Why should he? You are having emotional affairs online and admitting it.


Leaving your husband and giving him an opportunity to win you back, or just leaving him outright, would be more compassionate than punishing him with affairs. You cannot ask him to do something for you with the threat of punishment. That makes it a selfish demand which will affect his feelings for you.

There is no need to make a fool of yourself online in order to draw a firm line with your husband. Tell him you need your needs met and his hours reduced. Even if he says no, tell him the online chats are gone either way.

Have you done any snooping into what he is doing with all this time away from you?

What on this list has been done? What is left to do?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67:

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Can you ask your husband to come here and post?