Hi all,
I am so sad that I need to be here and wish I would of found this place so much sooner.
Been together for 14 years, married for 7.Three kids. we were always regarded the perfect couple. we are very successful with our careers and enjoyed a very rewarding lifestyle. We decided to build a new home. we ran into many challenges along this path and overcame so many of them. we were very proud. well the challenges kept coming and eventually they became between me and my wife and I made some big mistakes and began to blame my wife for many things. she made some financial decisions that ended up jeopardizing our company and I failed to understand her reasoning and I blamed her. I snapped. I said many horrible things to her in anger and told her we were done. that I wanted divorce. I said horrible things to the women I love. I emotionally abused her. we fought for weeks about the money and the situation before she finally left.

I managed to talk her into coming back home with the kids and I would leave so their life didn't need to be upside down. I moved into the new home to continue working on it. I realized what I had done and began to try and fix the mess i had created. i was fighting for my marriage as my wife had done so many times before. but this was different. i had pushed her to far away. i had broke her heart. took the fight out of her. i realized what i had done and have never felt so ashamed in my life. i did my best to dig deep and try to understand how she must of felt and tried to undo the pain that i had caused her.

she built walls around her heart and defended any effort of me trying to near it. she had begged me to dig deep within myself and fix things in me that would push her away and hurt her when i was angry. years ago she had hurt me when she ran into another mans arms when we had separated very early on in our relationship. she had many insecurity issues and needed attention from men all the time. when i met her i fixed her. that was what all her friends had said. i loved her and she loved me. problem is although i forgave her for those things i never knew how to let go of them and they grew into resentment and insecurities of my own. there was many times in anger where these hurts where brought up by me and used to hurt her with them. i never realized what i was doing till now. till it was to late.
that's when i heard her say she needed time. when she started bringing up every thing i had done wrong from the beginning of time. she became so cold. she was constantly attacking me and i let her. i felt so bad about what i had done and how i hurt her i just accepted her attacks and tried to apologize for everyone of them. but they just kept coming and getting worse and worse. i did everything wrong. i begged and pleaded. i cried. she demonized me. rewrote all our history.

i didn't know what to do or what was happening but i loved her so much i couldn't walk away. she began distancing herself more and more and continued to spew all my wrongs over and over at me. i began to look for answers from our friends and family and everyone just thought things would be fine and she loves me with all her heart and i had nothing to fear. i tried telling them this was so different and i didn't feel that. about a month more of the same her closest friends starting fearing something was very wrong and began befriending me and fearing her. we began suspecting another man but she kept denying to her friends. her best friend had an affair and tells me she is acting like that is whats going on and she will try to trick her into admitting it and talk her out of it but all that did was pulled her away from all her friends. they were all starting to argue with her and trying to get through to her and understand what was going on but she would just close up. she was losing her friends and family over this and i begged them to just love her and be their for her but she kept pushing everyone away and turned into a very greedy, selfish, materialistic person. where was the person i married?
i picked myself up and began putting myself back together and decided to enjoy things on my own and with the kids. this was met with more anger and how happy i am know that she is gone and this was what i wanted all along. well then i would break down and beg and plead that it wasn't and to fix it. well that game continued for a month or so before i realized she was playing me and keeping me on the back burner.

i realized i needed to find proof that there was someone else.
i began to snoop and found she was taking lingerie with her to work and weekend get aways. i was devastated. i confronted her and she was broken by it but did not deny. i got its none of my business. we spoke for hours and she asked so many questions like why did i push her away and why didn't i let her love me and why i rejected her and why she wasn't worth it and more blaming me for not loving her which i would resort back to apologizing and telling her how much i loved her and how i see so many things different and how she must of felt but she should have been looking at all the good things we were and all the great things we said and did instead of focusing on the bad. she cried and cried but never took any leap or effort to fix anything. She just kept getting further and further away. it hurt so bad watching her turn into this person nobody recognized.

Hi again.
i have not initiated contact with her for the last 2 months. all contact was always started by her and we have not gone more than 3 days without her contacting me. i have got the we need to be friends talk and be good co-parents and she always wants me in her life but just not in that way anymore.

I replied to that with i have no intention of being her friend if she wants divorce so bad and is doing what she is doing. i told her it was wrong and i will not be friends with someone who chooses someone else over me after all we have built, loved and lived.

She said that saddens her. so what does she do? she brings me beer and scented candles when she gets home. i accept and walk away. WTF?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Have you exposed her affair? Read this thread for more info on exposure: Exposure 101

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

thank you Prisca,

Yes but she acts like she has moved on and is happy. I have been replaced and she is happy with that.

This was so preventable but i was to angry and stubborn to see the bigger picture. me being mad was more important than me being what my wife needed. how selfish of me. i know i pushed her to the line but i am so pissed at het for crossing it. all she ever wanted was for me to realize how much better we could be if i would just lower my pride. and im so pissed at myself for needing this for me to lower it and see everything so clearly now.

The only way to prevent an affair is to not allow members of the opposite sex to get close. You could have been an awardwinning husband and she would still have had an affair because her boundaries with men are obviously poor.

Being a poor husband can cause divorce, it can't cause affairs (unless you swing!). I highly doubt you were a poor husband because she is doing the typical wayward wife script. Friends forever - this is usually what women with good husbands wwant because the OM is a loser who will not support her properly.

If you expose and end the affair, she is likely to consider you again.

Not contacting her is silly and is not Plan A. It sounds like you've been listening to WW nonsense about 'space'.

You've clearly never done anything to drive her away!

You're only mistake is treating the A as permanent, believing her nonsense, not pursuing her - and not driving OM off.

What have you done to drive off the loser having cheap fun with your wife? Have you exposed him? Have you shown your wife any protectiveness by running this skeve off?

Thank you indiegirl,

So you think i should be contacting her? i don't think she wants any deposits from me into love bank, lol.

I have tried to show her unconditional love and give her an absurd amount of money to help her with some personal debt we picked up building our dream home.

No i haven't. i do not want to be her second pick. she chose this. how could she love me by forcing her?

I should expose then? ok
I will find a way to identify him.
I fear this may be an "exit" affair though.

sonotfun,

Please continue to read the threads here on MB many of the concepts may seem counter intuitive at first but they work.

Track down the OMs family, friends, workplace, church etc, anyone who can have an influence on him. Do not warn or threaten or let anyone know what you are going to do especially your WW. Send an exposure message letters, emails, facebook contact, etc to them all detailing how the OM is destroying your marriage and your childrens family.

Your WW is addicted to OM and exposure will drive OM away from your WW as she will no longer be worth the effort.

Gamma

Of course she doesn't want you too! She wants you to look the other way while she destroys herself. She doesn't want it but bloody do it anyway. The love bank is unconscious and will accept deposits from WHOEVER is giving them. Hence stupid idiotic affairs with losers.

Something like: "I know you want to be friends but how do you pretend you're not in love with the most beautiful person you've ever met, inside and out?" Make the deposits, over and over with no expectations of encouragement or reciprocity.

You'll never, ever get that from a wayward wife. Persevere.

You should NOT be showing her unconditional love - that's crazy. You should be allowing the consequences of the A to rain down on her. Expose the A, don't support it.

Particularly don't finance it. FS is not an intimate need anyway. Starve the A financially and meet her intimate needs - conversation, admiration and affection. Fun dates if possible.

If she has a high FS need then simply talk a lot about how you would love to spoil her if she returned home - but that you can't give her boyfriend money in the meantime.

The biggest love bank deposit you could make is exposure.

Running OM off.

How's that coming?

Affairs are addictions that run alongside the love a person has for their spouse. Hence the usual script about being lifelong friends who get to be in an eternal triangle singing cumbaya together round the campfire and at Christmas.

It will never end unless you force an ending.

Exit affairs are psychobabble. Clearly she has no plans to get rid of you, she intends on having you meet the responsible needs her loser cannot, also being close friends retaining an intimate bond.

She isn't exiting, she's adding her addiction to the loser to the existing set up.

Dr H is an expert in this field and in 20 years has never seen an exit affair.

Certainly not one where she can't go three days without contact with her husband!

Exposure will give her the strength to choose as she can no longer go on believing ridiculous fantasies.

He is not likely to be a sensible choice.

It is CRUCIAL you don't go off half cocked and only expose to SOME targets. You must expose your side, her side and his. Don't skimp or it will not work.

It must be done in 24 hours - don't drag it out or it will not work.

It must be done using committed and confident and loving wording. Don't sound vengeful or unsure.


Here are the instructions for a successful exposure.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

How old are your kids? Without exposure (to four years olds and over) they are powerless to plead with their mother or to feel they can tell you about her strange male friend. They will feel they have to respect him, and since a lot of abuse comes from stepdads, that's flat out dangerous.

Wow, Thank you for all the responses. i texted her right after you told me i was being "silly" She was quick to return and keep it going.

That's so interesting about the exit affairs.
We did go to mediation a few times to try and do the legals for legal separation (she was so vicious, but i did fine and was very strong and respectful) but it never got finalized and now she has asked if she can cancel mediator and we will just figure it out on our own. i agreed. she also has filed for divorce when this all started but she never served me. i asked her to many times, seen the papers but was never served.

Last i seen her before i traveled away for work we spoke in person and i asked her why she wanted to give up all we have and have been working toward. why we cant make the family work and happy like we used to be.

The only thing she said while crying the whole time was" im still so attracted to you"
WTF???
Then she basically drove off to the om and got a fix. im sure of this as many people were trying to reach her and she was unreachable and when she was seen by her family she appeared "worked over"
This has been the hardest thing i have ever experienced.
The worst pain i have ever felt. the thought of another man inside my wife. FUGGGGGGGGG

The kids are 16 boy, 14 d, 6 d
Yes the two oldest are not my biological but i have been with them all there lives and we have very close relationships. They are aware as they were ther when i confronted her on her stay at hotel after she dropped kids off and wanted to know why she needed to take lingerie. the kids told me that she dropped them off at friends and she got hotel. i lost it right then and confronted. told her she can put adultery on the divorce papers.
once i said what i said and realized the kids were there i felt bad and apologized to the kids and her and left.she called right away and cried and i tried so hard to let her know how much i loved her and how much it hurt and she just kept giving me more reasons of how i pushed her away.

No she has not brought him around as she knows how bad of a situation that would be with not only me, the kids,neighbors and friends. He would not live long.

Thanks for all your help!!!

Indiegirl, i just don't want to come across as needy or desperate. I think i did enough of that when this started. she fuggen broke me down! That has never happened to me ever before. i am always told how im a mans man, lol. i have never broke like that before. i was usually the typical [censored] guy "don't like me the way i am then leave." not saying i was always an a$$, her friends all say almost any women would love to be treated the way i treated her but they also say when i am an a$$ i am a big a$$ and i hurt her many times like that.

I am so scared i totally broke her heart and know she has no place in it for me and this is her just moving on.