Markos,

Yes, probably so. Last Friday night, a buddy called and asked if he could borrow a life jacket. (He's a fellow boater who knows we have about 20 life jackets of all different sizes hanging in our garage.) Without hesitating, I said "sure". After the phone call, my wife was upset I hadn't checked with her. So, I would say she felt disrespected by me not asking her if she was OK with the friend borrowing a life jacket.

I apologized to her. It hadn't occurred to me to ask her about that.

Sorry for the delayed response. This is the first opportunity I've had to respond.

Thanks,
Remark

It's that, and it's lack of POJA - your achilles heel. It's, once again, failure to think of her first. It is the knee-jerk reaction of accommodating others without regard to her feelings.

Sugarcane,

Yes, I understand. I will error on the side of caution and ask her about everything.

Thanks,
Remark

So I guess you didn't like my suggestions after all?

The point is not about the life jacket. It's about checking in before doing anything, no matter what.

Remark, I feel like it's easy for you to get distracted from the two main things that are keeping your marriage from being good:

* Your independent behavior
* Your disrespectful judgments

These are a pressing everyday problem that need pressing everyday attention, but when you are asked for an update you don't even mention them.

If you want to keep your marriage, these two things need to be gone yesterday.

Yep.
Each task needs check in as the first step.

Painting the condo goes:

Wife > decision > wife > Home Depot > wife > paint > wife

DQ, et al,

I'm not sure I understand. I did ask her about the paint colors of the condo. She said she didn't want to be involved. So, following POJA, should I not have done anything until we both had enthusiastic agreement, when I know wants me out of the house ASAP?

I've pulled the nasty carpet out of the place too, making it livable before moving in.

Similarly, new topic, my adults kids want to do something for Father's Day. (One son who's been out of the country for a year and none of us have seen since then, will be in town.) He suggested we go camping/boating. I checked with my wife, and she does not want to be involved.

How do I handle that as well? Should I NOT do anything with them on Father's Day, (because my priority is her when she doesn't want to do anything with me)?

Thanks,
Remark

Did you ask her if she would be "enthusiastic " on each of these occasions? EXACT WORD? If she isn't then find something else. Keep bringing up ideas until something works for her.

She is either ENTHUSIASTIC about YOU doing something or she is not.

And why would you run off without her on Father's Day? What message does that send to your older kids and younger son? The do nothing is to stay home until you create something better together. You will feel horrible going without her. Didn't she mother your older kids too? She could use some thanks and admiration about now. But instead, you are going to run off alone as if she didn't exist? Don't accept her not wanting to be involved! Find something where you both are inseparable and all of the kids are the icing on the cake. Don't you dare be going off alone. NOW IS A PERFECT CHANCE TO FIGHT FOR YOUR WIFE AND YOU ARE GETTING READY TO BLOW IT!!!!

Invite your kids to do a combined activity with both of you for Mother's/ Father's Day. Brainstorm away.

Is the condo hers too? Don't keep doing things that she is showing indifference or reluctance about.

Wife: leave me out of it.

Remark: I'm sorry but I can't do that. You are my wife and what's mine is yours. I want to make these decisions with you in mind. It's a great opportunity to practice the POJA. Would you be willing to try?

Wife: No. It's your thing.

Remark: ok. Let me know if you change your mind. Meanwhile I could brainstorm for ideas that I can bring to the table. Would you be enthusiastic about that?

Wait for her total buy-in before moving forward. And don't pressure her.

Remark-
I know that your wife seems tough...

But she needs you to put her in a bubble with you and shelter her. Don't leave her behind EVER when your kids come. You wouldn't leave one of your struggling kids behind would you? Without your wife, you wouldn't even BE a father to your youngest. Be strong and imagine that you are saving a drowning wife who is thrashing about. Treat her with the same care you give your kids and family. You've got this.

Thanks, DQ.

I like both of those ideas.

That's exactly how I've felt in the past, miserable without her there. (I've used the term I feel 'naked' without here at family events where she declines. I've mentioned it to the kids and her and it brings them all down. She has commented (1) me mentioning that I feel that way brings everyone down, and(2) the only person who really wants me there is me, so I am selfish.

She is 'enthusiastic' about not doing anything with me/kids.

And yes, the condo is both of ours for now.

I'll give it my best.

Thank you very much.

Remark

Why feel naked without her there? Solve that problem. Don't go without her.

If you are talking about her behind her back to your kids then knock it off.

If your kids are being disrespectful then ignore them until that changes and your wife feels included and accepted by them.

Does your wife feel like your kids care about her?

I know that a while back Dr. Harley suggested that you NOT separate.

I think it's time for you to call the radio show again. Your wife complains about you not putting her first, but won't let you. I really don't understand this whole separation thing. Dr. Harley usually talks about separation as a way to work on your marriage. In this case, your wife doesn't seem to have that in her plan. Will you please email Dr. Harley?

Can you dig down deep and tell us what's exactly is preventing you from eliminating your love busters?

He doesn't want to. He seems to be putting on a show forhis family while really only wringing his hands.

For heaven's sake, why are we still talking about Remark seeing his family? That is a complete distraction and shouldn't even come up any more.

Remark, you're not going to see your family, right? That being the case, please don't continue to talk to people here about it. You need to get focused.

I find this puzzling. If your wife honestly informs you that she doesn't want to do something that is most considerate of her. If she went unenthusiastically you would be dragging along a big bag of drag and you don't want that any more than she does.

Yet if, as you say, you dislike going without her.... why do you go at all?

This is why your wife has this sense that your behaviours are non negotiable and unchangeable. Because you carry them out even when YOU don't want to!

I don't understand why the default is 'go and feel naked without her' rather than 'stay at home'. There is still this sense you feel like she owes you. That she should want to do the things that you want to do.

Also,when you do go to your wife are you being cheerful and patient with her? Are you cheerfully accepting nos and thanking her for input?

She is in withdrawal and that takes a particularly gentle touch but PoJA is ALWAYS cheerful even in the happiest of circumstances.

You simply cannot afford to put your mood and disappointments on to her in any way - even accidentally.

Apples,

Why would I put on a show for my family?

If anything, I am out to show you and my W that I am a Harley-caliber husband.

Thanks,
Remark

This is a really common scenario: something bothers a wife that doesn't bother a husband. In all cases, the solution is simple: don't do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. Now you know your wife a little bit better and know that she would like to be consulted on things like this. You can use this information to do something that would make her happier with you: consult with her.


After you found out your wife didn't want to join you for your Father's Day suggestion, you should have withdrawn the suggestion and proposed something else that she might like and want to join you for.

Apply this law from now on:

If someone asks you to do something for them, or with them, tell them that you'll get back to them on that.

If a police officer tells you to put your hands in the air, maybe you should do that, but for everything else, say "I'll get back to you on that".