Apples,
I listen to the show everyday, and have for the past 18 mos or more.
Remark

Great. You should then review the segments on disrespectful judgements and take notes. When is the last time you reviewed that chapter of Lovebusters?

Of course you don't get it! That's what PoJA is for. Dr H obviously did NOT understand why Joyce would want some old books kept in the attic for years. Only SHE can explain why she wanted them, and since he is not psychic the only way for him to have ensured PoJA was to have ASKED her! He did not do something to hurt her purposefully. If he had realised he wouldn't have done it.

However accidental harm hurts as much as a careless elbow in the face.

You will never see her perspective without asking. Dr H says husbands and wives stand back to back on the landscape - it is impossible for one person to see what the other person sees. Imagine describing the ocean view if you had never seen one.

You have to communicate to see it, and you just have to take the other person at their word. It is disrespecctful of you to describe her reports as 'ordeals' and say there is nothing wrong with what you did aside from how she feels about it. She is your lookout - listen to her truth instead of measuring it against your version of right/wrong, reasonable/unreasonable.

Your wife feels you don't value her perspective unless you can see the value of her point for yourself - and she's right.

The only response you needed to make was 'How can I do this differnetly next time? Shall I perhaps check with you before loaning things out?' You didn't need to measure it with the reasonable ruler - the one you invented.

Didnt,

I forgot. I intended to and will. Unless I write it down, sometimes, I lose track of commitments like that, especially when there is so much going on in my head these days. So, I just wrote it down.

Sorry, I'm sure that's disappointing as it is to myself.

Remark

Apples,

Probably a month ago.

Disrespectful judgements; OK.

Thanks,
Remark

Markos,

OK that makes a lot of sense. I get that now.

Thanks,
Remark

Remark, just to clarify, you are spending fathers day with your wife, right? No time spent out in some other activity with your children?

Don't blow this one.

Markos,

I'm really stressed by this one. W wants me to meet with the five kids, even go camping or something. I want to honor forum, without exacerbating an already pretty tense situation.

The five kids, their spouses (2 of them are married) and my two grand kids will be in town for the first time in a long time. So, from their perspective, I think, they're expecting, wanting to do something; anything.

One of my adult daughters contacted my W and asked her if she had any plans for Father's Day so as not to interfere, and if she would attend whatever they came up with. She declined, saying she and our son, (no. 5) would celebrate separately.

This isn't as clear cut as it should be.

And believe me, I don't want to blow this one.

Thanks,
Remark

Didnt,

I am updated and ready.

Looking up Disrespectful Judgements for now.

Thanks,
Remark

According to her, going camping with the kids shows you are putting them before her. So I wouldn't do that. I'd find something she likes to do and do it. Don't ask her to figure out what that is: figure it out yourself.

Remark, your wife says you are irritable.

KNOCK IT OFF.

She says you are irritable about the thought of not seeing your kids.

Quit acting this way, Remark.

This is why your wife is telling you to go see the kids. Your irritability tells her that this is a "do it or else" situation.

You are making the same mistake with seeing your kids as you did with the toilet seat and the life preserver.

You are making it clear to your wife that you believe any reasonable wife would want her husband to see his kids, and that she is being unreasonable.

It's not unreasonable for a wife who is hurt as badly as your wife to be jealous about time with her husband. She was hurt that you even proposed spending a weekend doing something she doesn't like or time without her.

Who gives a rip about father's day when your marriage is in crisis?

Remark, tell us all the ways you were disrespectful in the last 24 hours?

And don't say you weren't disrespectful. Your wife says you are disrespectful every day. You were even disrespectful about her on this forum.

I agree. Don't blow this. You assumed that because you have done something for 30 years you should keep doing it. Stop assuming.

How do you think that you can solve the independent behavior mess you made by planning a trip for yourself and son, before planning the day with your wife?

I suggest that you prepare an apology for your wife in which you let her know that you refuse to go with them, and that you would like to fix this mess in a way that works for her.

Part of your huge mistake is that you discussed all of the activities with all of your kids, and Day was the LAST one to consult. That is Backwards!!

When Anyone asks you Anything, put a spacer in like, let me get back to you on that. Then check with Day for her thoughts. If she is not enthusiastic then tell them that it won't work out this time.

Maybe Day would like to send son 5 to spend the weekend with his siblings? Ask Day if she will be enthusiastic about that since you won't be going.

I would like it if you would post your apology here first so that we can help you clear it of love busters prior to sending it to Day.

I would expect her to be hopping mad about this.

But I would still do it anyway.

She will probably berate you for planning the trip without her input in the first place, or for once again putting your children first, etc.

But I would still do it anyway.

This trip = "Remark puts his kids before his wife." I would avoid doing that at all costs.

Markos,

We wouldn't do the camping thing on Father's Day. Boating and camping are passions of the kids and me, and JD2D dealt with in our early years. She suggested it knowing the Australia son and our youngest son had discussed this on a Facetime call they had (from Australia) a couple of weeks ago when I wasn't home, apparently. The son from Australia will be home for 10 days. So, W is suggesting the three of us do that for a couple of days while Australia son is in town. Our son, age 15, is close to our 26 yr old son who works in Australia.

Yes, I'm working to brainstorm something that honors JD2D without me feeling like I neglected a father's obligation when it's Father's Day and the stars are aligned such that his kids and grandsons are all in town at the same time (a rare occurrence).

An adult daughter who plays Words with Friends daily with JD2D, reached out to ask JD2D if she had any plans for Father's Day so as to include her and not interfere with whatever she might have planned. JD2D declined to be involved and said she and our son would do something some other time, as I understand it.

Because JD2D describes it as me "wanting my cake and eat it too", and at the same time, wants same out of the house, I am really struggling with this one.

Thanks,
Remark

Don't you think it's weird that your daughter is inviting your wife to be a part of Fathers day?

It's like your family lives in backwards land.

Have you explained anything to the kids get?

*yet

Can I restate this for you?

"I long to spend my recreational time with JD2D and miss her terribly when I am spending my recreational time without her. She is my other half and I am happiest when we are enjoying each other and experiencing pleasure together.

JD2D had no children when she joined me in marriage and enthusiastically invested her time, heart and care into step-mothering mine. I am the father the children want to honor also because of her long, loyal and loving support.

I have no obligation or desire to create a "Father's Day" activity outside of her presence and without the joy of her company."

There; I fixed it for you.