Thank you for your post.

I do not think my behavior was ok. I was very frustrated because we were having the same issues occur over and over. I tried verbally expressing myself, but I was dismissed/ignored by my H. When we were actively doing the program, I was able to have a voice. I blew up (using name calling via text).

My H insisted I provide examples of issues, and one example I gave was on the recent date he made comments about how expensive our date was/I am etc...We make plenty of money, and he knows this really really bothers me. He feels he should be able to make the comments and I am wrong/over reacting. I was also upset b/c H was making decisions without talking to me. He bought tickets to a concert series I did not want to see without talking to me(over a thousand dollars) and invited his brother/wife to go and stay at our house without asking. He was also making decisions about a house we are purchasing without asking me, and he was telling me what improvements would be made without caring what I thought. H has a habit of treating me like his secretary, which bothers me. I feel I provided feedback with many LBs and was ignored...

He then gave a list of annoying habits I have not fixed. These may be true (he did not tell me about some of them before), and I am willing to work on them. He does not tell me when I do them; however, and if he does mention it ...it is done in a mean way. I have been actively trying to fix the issues that I know about. I often forget to close the bathroom drawer. I don't clean the dishes well enough. He was also upset because he says I asked him if he knew how to cook (this was a misunderstanding...I asked him if he knew how to cook the recipe he intended on making b/c I would have left the recipe). I think many of the items on his list could easily be fixed with proper feedback. Some habits take time...

H also said MB didn't work b/c when he sent the LB list via email, I deleted it. He said I never received the emails he made with LBs. This is true. I forwarded the first list to the coach and did not finish reading it because it was so horrible/full of LBs. I told him I was more than willing to read a list that was done in a caring way, and the coach told us to forward the lists to her first so she could help with wording before sending to our spouse. I did not receive any lists after the initial one. I am guessing the coach was trying to make sure the list was done in a caring way before sending and that is why I did not receive them???

We had a similar problem with counseling before. I felt changes in both of should be a joint effort. My H thought I needed to change myself alone and shouldn't expect help/feedback. He is constantly telling me how I am the problem because I won't change. I am well aware I am a problem, and I am trying to change.

He keeps telling me how everything has to be my way...

Did you contact Dr. Harley yet?

My H is now texting me because he went on the boards here and read my post. He wants you all to know I am lying.

To clarify:

According to H...he said I am welcome to leave and not be near him

He also continues to say "Feel free to leave anytime"

I took the above comments to mean he is trying to get me to leave...

I did not. Do you recommend I call or post on the board?

I am unsure it will do any good considering my H is refusing to the program...

If he wants to come present his perspective, he is welcome to do so.

He has nothing to gain from persuading us of anything.

Have you contacted Dr. Harley yet?

In my opinion, your husband is having a big massive long running angry outburst, and if he doesn't knock it off soon you need to call the police and/or file for separation.

Call your coach.

I would do both!


In that case you need to have Dr. Harley and your coach educate you about what the program recommends for wives when their husband won't do the program. There are still recommendations for you and we want you to get the help you need to recover, with or without him.

As angry as he is (and it's very obvious from the few posts he's made that he has a major problem with angry outburts and disrespectful judgments), I would separate from him unless he gets with the program ASAP.

I forget -- do you have children?

Don't negotiate separation with him. Don't move out. Pack his bags and change the locks.

And call the cops if he has an angry outburst and won't leave you alone. Don't hesitate one minute to call the cops on him.

Be prepared for the worst angry outburst you've ever seen. You might have some friends or family stay with you while you change the locks.

Right now, NotSoAngry is having an angry outburst, so he is temporarily insane and is not thinking rationally.

After he calms down, he may decide that he wants to be married.

But if he wants that, he is going to need to learn to stop having angry outbursts.

We have three children.

It is not legal for me to force him to leave. He is not the kind of person who would easily go or make a divorce simple. I don't want to put the kids through a battle...

I prefer he do what he said and work with me on marriage builders.

You don't always get that choice.

It isn't you putting them through this.

I disagree. Whatever choices I make will have an impact on the children. I will blame myself for any poor outcome.

You are willing to create a loving marriage. He isn't. He is calling you names.

Is this what you want to teach your children to think a marriage should be?

And if you choose to stay with an abusive husband who is unwilling to change, that WILL be you putting them through this.

You think allowing an abusive situation to continue is creating stability or a loving home?

I think choosing to leave would create a much worse situation for the kids. It may not be fabulous now, but it can get much worse. I have seen it happen multiple times with messy divorces. The kids never win...

So you would be okay if your children go on to have a marriage like yours? You are teaching them that is abuse okay in a marriage!!

Okay, you have a poor outcome now, and the way to get away from the poor outcome is to follow the plans. If you follow the plans, you will have a good outcome, and your husband can choose whether or not you have a good outcome together or whether you go on to have a good outcome without him.

If you don't follow the plans, you will have a poor outcome!

Dr. Harley has walked this road many, many, MANY times before. His goal is a good outcome for you.