First, not sure where to post this, so if I'm in the wrong place, please advise. (Sorry for the long post, but the goal is to be back here with a new attitude and be productive)

Second, I've been here before a few times and have created conflict and disagreement, not my intention, but just didn't turn out well. I've commented about things and opinions that were not appropriate here and scolded accordingly.

I'm back for two reasons. I feel there are some good people here that can help my situation, and second, perhaps I can help others from what I've learned.

In a nutshell, I've been married for over 40 years and went thru an amicable divorce because of a major issue that I had been fighting for several years that was never solved, which was alcohol abuse. Toward the end, we were totally disconnected, and did not react together at all, and I started an affair with a lady that gave me support that eventually lead to a close relationship. There were some red flags with her, but I thought I could conquer them. I also told the wife my intend to find a girlfriend (called the OW), before it started, and she encouraged me. After the divorce and separation I moved in with the OW. The now ex wife was on her own, but we respected each other, did not fight from the day I said we were splitting up and we really trusted each other. We have always had a care for each other as good friends, and after the end, there was no reason for NC or a total shut out. We still communicated, but no social or dating other that how you doing? We did care about each others progress in life. She turned her life around dramatically, and I was very proud of her. The red flags that plagued my relationship with the OW brought if to an end, which we both knew was coming. While we worked on a potential long term relationship, we didn't have the compatibility necessary to do so. However, most of the time, we were quite happy, with some stress that I had a hard time with.

Now, I'm back with the ex wife, after we have both made major changes and are in a "starting over" mode, with a ton of history, mostly good. We have both apologized about our past, and put the past totally behind us with the rule that it will not be mentioned, unless there's some learning benefit from it. The old OW (or ex GF) is totally out of the picture, as is the alcohol abuse.

Some of my last posts met with controversy because I did not understand totally how to end the past, and get our new relationship to a new start.

I'd prefer NOT to dwell on the past, but look forward to the future.
++++++++++

So, we have been cautiously together for about three months. We have set some guidelines on how to make things work. I have read ALL of the infor on the Marriage Builders web site, including the basic concepts, questionnaires, Q&A, and articles. I have decided to read each and every one to my ex wife (should I call her my GF, or what?). She has been very receptive, and it's making a difference. I'm a bit over one third of the way to go.

The first thing we did, before even figuring out if we had a chance was to discuss in detail what our goals were, and how much we really wanted this to work. We set some rules to live by, and some goals from day one. The first thing we did was my reading the book 5 Love Languages to her for starters, and determined what our languages are. (Very similar to Emotional Needs, in the basics here). We spent every morning together, either just some quality time together, and/or the reading of the above.

So, this message is about thoughts to make this work, and we certainly have some different issues than most couples have.
A few MAJOR differences..... We are both retired, income, careers, kids, family, etc. are just not an issue, so we are on the other end of the dating/marriage spectrum. Our only kid is a great kid and has been very supportive for both of us. Second, we have enjoyed many years of great and successful times together, so we really do not need to "start from scratch", however, we are not trying to leave issues uncovered, and we are living together in our house (we both have a financial interest in it, but I gave it to her to live in at the divorce.

Right now, things are going very well, and we have both discovered each others goods and bads for the current situation and have addressed them. We have no arguments or fights (I quit fighting years ago... just don't do it). We have a few disagreement, but have no problem with a solution so far.

Here are some of the issues that we are trying to keep on track.

We are not 100% compatible on all of our emotional needs, but I really believe we are both trying. We also have some different activities that just do not involve the other, and we are continuing them, with caution, no problems so far. We ave a "rule" of always have dinner together, coffee with talk for an hour or two in the morning, and if we totally disagree on something, we put it behind us to go to bed together and cuddle up for the night, and bring it up peacefully the next day.

Some of the things I need to work on....... She has a love language of "service"... me doing things for her, could be anything from cleaning the house, fixing something, a project for her, etc., and I feel that I'm a bit slow on doing some things. One thing I do that she appreciates, is the dishes and clean the kitchen every night. Makes her feel good to get up to a clean kitchen. I have a love language of "intimate touch and sex" which she is working on. When she just isn't in the mood, I feel rejected, but the cuddle gets me through it, and she occasionally wakes me in the middle of the night for some outstanding love making. I've told her to grab me anytime... whenever, and I'll love it, and she does.... adds a lot of "love pellets" to my bank.

There are several other areas to work on.... need some more activities we enjoy together, need to work on some financial goals (but we're very close). We don't argue over money at all... there's enough. We need more forms of quality time together, but we do get plenty.

As for marriage, it could be in the future, and if it meant enough to her, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but right now, there's some HUGE financial reasons to remain single, as least for now, but have no problem with a goal to remarry at some time.

So, against Dr. Harley's advise, we are living together and have a very close relationship as single people, and I don't have a perfect answer to that yet. However, we have lived together, married, for most of our lives, and mostly happily.

Another thing..... all of our close friends, my counselor and our families know all of the above, and all are supportive with a few exceptions, which is ok. I have a few friends (that are really not close friends) that have had an issue with our situation, and have tried to dictate protocol to us, which we chose to ignore. Actually, only two.

We are both happy, productive people, not without problems, which we need to keep in check.

Any comments to keep things along those perspectives are appreciated, and perhaps some day I can reciprocate to someone that I can help.

A crazy question, if you aren't interested in using Marriage Builders, why are you here? You said you use Love Languages for your dating relationship; then why not go there? What is the purpose of coming here if you a) know Dr Harley does not support shack up relationships and b) does not support Love Languages? What is the point?

I read through your overly long post and can't find the question about Marriage Builders. What is your question?

While that it's nice that that's what YOU would prefer, the truth is:

Your other thread (asking how to get over the OW) was shut down and locked because you were cherry picking the program, living together before marriage and keeping in text communication with the OW.

And you return and instead of respecting posters and the moderator's note on the last thread, you try to skim over the same issues and minimize what happened?

Sigh.

Homelover's last thread:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2853162&page=7

How is it that you are going to help people when your marriage resulted in divorce and you are STILL not doing what Dr Harley would advise for your situation?

My word.

Homelover, your posts REEK of waywardism (entitled attitude with what kinds of posts you would like to receive, dishonesty about past posting issues on the forum, wanting admiration by "helping" when you don't even understand or use the program).

Your "relationship" with your ex-wife is doomed to fail. You need to completely hit the reset button and start listening to Dr Harley and set aside your own ideas and feelings (which are wayward/rules do not apply to me thinking). The forum is not going to be any help to you unless you do so.

Why have you come to Marriage Builders to post about Love Languages?

Melody,

Thx for the resonse. Love Languages was only mentioned in that was suggested by my counselor as a good start, and there are a lot of similarities in Dr. Harley's emotional needs, which we are going through right now. (and all of the concepts).

Yes, we are interested in the Marriage Builders concept.

Not really.

What have you done about the OW?

If you want your relationship with your ex wife to work, you will move out and stop having sex with her.

You will stop trying to merge MB with Love Languages. It will never work -- the programs are totally different.

You are still cherry-picking the program, just like you were in your last thread. This will never work.

SusieQ,

I hope I haven't made a wrong impression, my goal is to improve myself and my relationships. No, I'll not be able to help anyone in my present situation, but there's no doubt I could in the future. I've helped many people through difficult times in the past and it has worked.

I don't pre tent to be an expert on Dr Harley's concept, but have read just about all of what he has on the web site, and then I read it again, and now I'm reading it to my ex-wife. Believe if or not, we have followed that exact same concept (not even knowing what it was) from the day I got married many years ago, and it worked very well. We never quit loving each other, and never planned to, however, the "in love" with each other was eventually lost, and we are building on that now.

We are very both "goal oriented" and fairly determined to be successful.... in all aspects of life, and that's why we enjoyed such a great time together. And, yes, we've gone through some very serious adversity, several times.... serious sickness, injuries, kid problems, career problems and got through it as best as we could. We never had something that threatened our marriage until alcohol came into the picture. I was determined to solve that, too, but after many years, I failed and when it was eminent that there was not going to be success, the magic of a loving relationship was gone, we were doomed for separation and divorce. I'm not placing blame, I'm trying to be factual and look toward a recovery. The OW came into the picture long after we were done, and I didn't hide it from her.

People change, and we changed.... both of us for the better. At times it's been a very difficult learning experience having never been through this before. I had no clue what this kind of failure could have on us, and at times didn't know what to do.

I have hit the reset button, just like Dr. Harley's preachings say. I am starting over (to a point), but we do have many years of a positive, trusting and loving relationship to learn from, and the opportunity for support from this group, I hope.

Please point out the areas in which I have done otherwise, so I can work on them.

BTW, what should I call my ex wife?

Melody,

Here are some of the areas posted that could use work, and suggestions:

We are not 100% compatible on all of our emotional needs, but I really believe we are both trying. We also have some different activities that just do not involve the other, and we are continuing them, with caution, no problems so far. We ave a "rule" of always have dinner together, coffee with talk for an hour or two in the morning, and if we totally disagree on something, we put it behind us to go to bed together and cuddle up for the night, and bring it up peacefully the next day.

Some of the things I need to work on....... She has a love language of "service"... me doing things for her, could be anything from cleaning the house, fixing something, a project for her, etc., and I feel that I'm a bit slow on doing some things. One thing I do that she appreciates, is the dishes and clean the kitchen every night. Makes her feel good to get up to a clean kitchen. I have a love language of "intimate touch and sex" which she is working on. When she just isn't in the mood, I feel rejected, but the cuddle gets me through it, and she occasionally wakes me in the middle of the night for some outstanding love making. I've told her to grab me anytime... whenever, and I'll love it, and she does.... adds a lot of "love pellets" to my bank.

There are several other areas to work on.... need some more activities we enjoy together, need to work on some financial goals (but we're very close). We don't argue over money at all... there's enough. We need more forms of quality time together, but we do get plenty.

Granted I don't have all the terminology nailed, yet, but if there's confusion in the above, I'd be glad to clarify it. I see that instead of "love language of service", I should have said Emotional needs of Domestic Support..... I'm sure I'll need more correction.

Susie,

Thanks for your comments, and I'm well aware of the past threads and comments, and hopefully will learn from my mistakes.

The last thing said on the previous thread was "This thread is now locked. When you are serious about ending contact with the other woman, and are ready to follow the whole Marriage Builders plan (without cherry picking), let us know."

The OW is totally out of the picture, and I used Dr. Harleys guide to do so. I decided that about the time that thread ended. I am not going to try to cherry pick and make statements contrary to Dr Harley's advise.

Please believe people can change, and for the better. That is one of the major goals.

You're right MB and Love Languages are different, but both can and have helped I'll put the Love Languages on the back burner.

How did you end contact?

You ignored this part of my post.

Ended when I just cut her off totally (and at that time, only contact was an occasional text). Deleted ALL of the text, info, etc.

Are you still living in the same area?

How did you cut her off totally?

Deleting texts is not ending contact. Can she still call you if she wishes?