Hello everybody,

I am going through a really rough time.
I have been married for almost 5 years with 1 two year old son.

I've recently had a fight with my husband & we haven't spoken in a week.
Yesterday we finally spoke & he told me that he doesn't love me like he once used to, he has been feeling like this for a while but couldn't tell me.
He doesn't know what to do about us.

This was a huge shock for me because I had no idea, I always thought we were doing fine & happy.

Any advice on how I should handle this going forward?

What were you fighting about?

His words are those of comparison - it is likely he is having an affair.

fsj, welcome to Marriage Builders. What has been going on in your marriage that has led to this? Do you fight often? How would you describe the state of your marriage for the last year? Does he go out alone often?

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read my post & to respond.

We don't fight often, I thought we were happy but little did I know that he wasn't.
It was a huge shock to me. I can't believe he has been unhappy for so long & this is the first I'm hearing of it.
I thought the past year has been good, we have been in routine mode though with having a 1 year old but we make time for each other. We have date night & sex often.
I thought we were really doing well.


The fight:
I asked him to babysit 1 Saturday so that I could go out for lunch with my girlfriends who I haven't seen for a bout a year.
This has been on the books for weeks & he agreed.
He works most Saturday's so he hardly gets to spend time with our son on a Saturday. Im always with our son on the weekend, so I thought some father son time would be fun.

He spent a little time with our son then he left him with his mother & went to watch the game with a friend.
He lied to me about where he was way he game, said he watched it at his mom.

I found out he lied & he apologized but then he said "do you know you have more downtime than me" that made me so angry because I know it's not true.

When we spoke yesterday he apologized & said he knows I don't have more downtime than him.
We spoke & we both cried, this was the first time I've seen him cry.

He seems lost & confused but he is unable to tell me what I did.

I did ask him if there's somebody else, if he's cheated but he denied it.

He very seldom goes out alone.

He feel out of love with me? Is this a thing?
I don't understand any of it, I'm in a real state crying all the time. I am so heart broken.

fsj, I have a strong feeling he is having an affair. I am sorry. It won't help for you to ask him. You need to be like James Bond and quietly do some sleuthing. There a multiple red flags here. Can you secretly get his cell phone and go through it, read his texts, look at his phone log and install some spyware? Can you go over his cell phone bill to see if there are any strange calls? Do a reverse cell phone look up here: http://safecaller.com/index.php

If he has an iPhone, you can look and see where he has been going: Open Settings, then select Privacy, then Location Services, then System Services, then Frequent Locations. This shows you all the places that the phone has spent repeated times visiting.

Here are some spy resources for iPhones: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832187#Post2832187

I really hope you wrong & he is not having an affair. I don't know how I would handle that, I'm devastated enough as it is.

I have accessed his phone & I can't find anything unusual.
Maybe I'm not doing a very good job at it or he is great at covering his tracks.


When we spoke he did say he wants to try to fix & make our marriage better.
I think we might be in a rutt, our marriage is boring and not exciting enough for him.

Can't believe he doesn't love me as Much as I love him.
Mind boggling.
1 day you think you on the same page only to discover you reading different books.

I suggest marriage counseling & he seems open to the idea.
Finding the right person to help us in Cape Town - any recommendations?


Thank you for listening, much appreciated

When can you put spyware on his devices? And a VAR and GPS on his vehicle?

sleepingjoner, I moved your post to its own thread in the forum Surviving an Affair. Please check there for replies.

Hi there, been a while, been in denial.

Ihave been monitoring his location but there's nothing out of the ordinary. I checked his phone for messages & calls but found nothing. I put his what'sapp on backup chat (iPhone 6). but I don't know how to access the backup messages... Help anyone?

I haven't been the same since he told me that he doesn't love me way he used to. I have been doing my best to make things better but I am hurt & broken. Kept thinking I was doing something wrong.blaming myself.
He doesn't treat me the way I deserve, sure we have sex but there's no " you beautiful, you sexy, nothing like that. I don't feel loved like I used to be. I'm just there,

I asked him on numerous occasions if there is somebody else & he denies it.
Then today I poured my heart out & told him how he made me feel & how cold he was towards me. How he has hurt me & has done nothing to build me Up & reassure me. I asked him is there somebody else? Do you have feelings for somebody else that's why you not trying to make out marriage work. He said, I don't know how I feel. I had to drag it out of him & he admitted he thinks he has feelings for somebody else & he is so confused. He said nothing physical happened only flirting. I eventually got a name out of him, it's somebody he works with. Wish I could see the messages he sent her.

I am heart broken & don't know what do.
Any advice welcome.
In a really dark place right now.

Stop asking him if he is having an affair and have him followed.

You need to read the Exposure 101 thread in MelodyLane's signature and get to work. He is minimizing whats gone on. I can guarantee you "nothing physical happened" is a lie.

Right. Because repeatedly asking a possibly wayward spouse if there is "someone else" when you have already been told to QUIETLY snoop is the epitome of a BS that is in denial.

When you keep asking you are basically telling them to take their affair underground. Sigh.

He has finally come clean & admitted to flirting with a woman at work for almost a year. Emotional affair is just as bad a physical affair right?

He says he doesn't love me like he should. Said he has never been blissfully happy at all. 5 years later & he tells me now.
Said he might have rushed into this marriage & kept hoping things would get better.
This is a big shock for me, I thought we were happy.
I am heart broken & don't know what to do.

Should we get a divorce?
Seek counseling & try to save our marriage?

What do I do?
Help me please.

How do I get over what he's done & all the hurtful things he's said?

Who is the OW?

And what is your exposure plan?

FS, it's a physical affair. Why are you talking to the wayward about it at ALL much less believing what you are being told?



You can't possibly. He is lying to you and continues to do it. If you snoop for her identity and expose you have a good chance of ending it. Once it's ended he will have to put 100 pc effort into healing you.


Don't ask him about her identity and don't tell him you are going to expose. Just do it. You need to take control here.

His reaction to exposure will tell you a lot about what to do next. Most are very angry and unremorseful. If he is, you will need to separate until he is repentant and on board.

I got a name, he works with her & i demanded that he text her & end it.
He first fought me & refused to text her. He played it down & said she was the least of our problems.

I emptied his closet & put all his clothes on black bags.
Told him if he doesn't text her tonight then he can get out & never come back.
He got a huge fright, didn't expect me to throw his clothes & shoes out.

He then texted her to say it's over.
I read the end of the text message where he says it's over & she says bye.

I'm still suspicious as to why he deleted the beginning of his message to her.
He said he didn't want me to see the others woman's comments "I don't have time for drama.... It's not like we slept together, we only flirted"
This is what he said the other woman said.

I plan on retreving his backup messages to see for myself what was said.

fs, you seem to be following your own plan here and it will not work. Asking him to send texts to her "ending it' is a useless exercise if he just goes to work to see her. What is the point of the texts if he going to go see her at work? That makes no sense.

You don't seem to be reading our posts and I am concerned about your ability to follow a plan. Can you follow a plan? If so, then you need to insist he quit that job and never see or speak to her again. Additionally, the affair should be exposed. Can you do that? Here is the checklist you should follow:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

This is a full blown affair. "Talking" to a wayward doesn't work. They will lie lie and lie some more.

I agree with ML that you don't seem to be reading our posts and you don't seem to understand the Marriage Builders way to end an affair.

This is very fixable but if you keep doing things your way, you are in for a lot of misery and frustration.