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I broke up with my fiancee. I am 33 and he is 35. We were together for 6 years and the last 2 we were engaged. I was the one that left the house because the last months he was has pressure from his job and also he was telling me that I was putting pressure on him. He didn;t want to talk with me and when I was trying to make conversations he was telling that I was nagging and he was leaving.
The day that I left I was calling him to bring some stuff home.I called him around 3 times and he didn;t pick up the phone and the fourth time that he answered it, when I asked him were are you he started screaming at me, then he came home he broke up my mobile and he continue to scream and telling me now I will see how you are going to call me. He made me really upset and I told him that it is enought and I am leaving. He didn;t do anything and he left from the house. I took some stuff and I left and came to my parent�s house.
That happened on 26th of May. After 5 days he deleted me from fb and put on that he is single. He didn;t try to contact me and I didn;t contact him as well. After 17 days he came at my parent;s garden and he left bags with my clothes and other stuff, and he called my brother to tell him that he left at the garden my stuff.Again he didn�t contact me.
Now after 19 days we haven�t talk to each other and none of us made an effort to contact, I am wondering if he decided that it is over and he doesn�t care, and if he was waiting for me to leave from the house. I cannot undertsand how is possible after so many years that he doesn�t care and he don�t want even to talk with me. Please help me�..
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Was he seeing someone else? It sounds like he could have been seeing someone else and has basically broken up with you silently so he doesn't have to admit it.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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As far I know no he wasn't seeing someone else. And we were staying in the same house together so I think I would have understand it...
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Did he say things like, "I love you, but I don't love you anymore..."? Did he start hiding his phone, computer, etc.?
He may have just been done because he thought you were nagging and fell out of love, but it's more common for their to be someone else as a motivator.
In either case, I would say that you should let the relationship go no matter what. He left. You aren't married and he has made you wait a considerable amount of time to get married.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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No he never hide anything or say anything that he don;t love me anymore. Acouple of days before the smash of my mobile he was asking me when we are going to have a baby. And he was the one that was saying that he wants a baby and that he loves me.
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Look for someone new. It isn't worth fixing a relationship with someone who treats you like that.
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Easy to say it but hard to do it... It is 6 years, 6 very good years...he was treating me with love and care. If he had this behaviour from the beginning I would never have been with him. But he was never like that..He was supportive and we had a really good relationship. I don't know what happened and the worst thing is that If i have to mone on at least I must have an explanation from his side or at least some words....
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Dr. Harley often comments that if a relationship goes on for longer than two years and it doesn't seem to be moving toward marriage, it is probably not going to make it. The engagement may have given it a shot in the arm and kept it going, but now it is two years later and even that has petered out.
I wouldn't expect him to give you an explanation. You can wish for it, ask for it, demand it, punish him for not giving it to you, but you can't make him do it. And it sounds like this man is very abusive, so I wouldn't recommend trying.
I suspect Dr. Harley would encourage you to see your doctor about getting on some antidepressants for the short term, and start planning some things to do that you can look forward to each day.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I think that what I need is communication and not antidepressants. The pills will not give me the explanation that I need... And I think that I am not asking something odd..we were a couple for 6 years so if this is the end some words must be spoken...
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No, communication will only hurt you more. Antidepressants can help you for a while. You don't need them forever.
Ask yourself - if your sister was telling you about how abusive her fiancee was, but she just wants him back because they've been together for a long time, could you in good conscience encourage her to see her abuser again?
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You cannot force him to give you an explanation. You can want it, but you cannot force it. The best thing for you to do is move on with your life.
I suggest you get the book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders," and start preparing for your next relationship.
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I think that what I need is communication and not antidepressants. The pills will not give me the explanation that I need... And I think that I am not asking something odd..we were a couple for 6 years so if this is the end some words must be spoken... If you want words to be spoken, you will have to ask him directly. Nobody here can tell you why he did this. We don't know him. Only he can tell you. Now after 19 days we haven�t talk to each other and none of us made an effort to contact, I am wondering if he decided that it is over and he doesn�t care, and if he was waiting for me to leave from the house. I cannot undertsand how is possible after so many years that he doesn�t care and he don�t want even to talk with me. Please help me�.. Why haven't you asked him what happened?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Easy to say it but hard to do it... It is 6 years, 6 very good years...he was treating me with love and care. If he had this behaviour from the beginning I would never have been with him. But he was never like that..He was supportive and we had a really good relationship. I don't know what happened and the worst thing is that If i have to mone on at least I must have an explanation from his side or at least some words.... It really sounds like he was seeing someone else. If he was with her and getting calls from you it would have been stressful for an under strain conscience. It also explains demonising you and treating you so poorly - it is an effect of his conscience. He was also quick on the draw to mark himself as single too. She will want to be known as his girlfriend soon. If he hadn't married you after that many years, he wasn't going to. When you move in together though it is harder to break up. If you had been living apart he would have stopped calling you for dates and it would have petered out. Joining your living situation and finances prevented that natural death. He will have just floated along for a number of years. It's really not fair to you. He sounds truly dreadful and you have have had a lucky escape. You will need to go through withdrawal. If you have no contact with him for a good few weeks you will feel better. Stop talking about him and looking him up if at all possible. If you change your number you will stop waiting for that call and enter withdrawal from the drug we call love. Block him on FB too so you can't see anything. Force your friends to get you out of the house. No he never hide anything or say anything that he don;t love me anymore. Acouple of days before the smash of my mobile he was asking me when we are going to have a baby. And he was the one that was saying that he wants a baby and that he loves me. So did my H during his affair. One time when I called him up to ask him where he was though he started screaming obsceneties at me. So his gf could hear we were 'in trouble'.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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If she was needing an explanation I would suggest her to ask for it. And i cannot call him abusive because he broke my mobile but that's it I mean he never did something violent to me....
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What do you need help with?
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Read this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.htmlLiving together 'tests' your compatability but in such a stressful, caged way it often leads to acts of violence - like smashing up a phone. A host of studies have found that couples who live together before marriage suffer three times the incidence of domestic violence that married couples suffer (4). And my experience working with cases of domestic violence in marriage almost exclusively involves couples who lived together before they were married. So cohabiting not only tends to lead to failed marriages, but it also tends to lead to violence whether or not the couple ever marry.
When the Renter's agreement is in force, demands, disrespect, and anger are the norm. Cohabiting couples don't look for solutions that make both of them happy. They look for solutions that make one person sacrifice for the happiness of the other. And if sacrifice is not forthcoming, punishment is inflicted.
But those who wait until after marriage to live together tend to experience a very low rate of violence and not much arguing. That's because they tend to be Buyers. They negotiate in a safe and enjoyable way, trying to find win-win solutions to their problems. They have not lived together under the terms of the month-to-month rental agreement. So they usually begin their life together with the assumption that they are there to make each other happy permanently, and their willingness and ability to change their habits to accommodate each other usually reflect that commitment. They want to build compatibility, not test it You were testing each other for a loooong time which suggests you or he believed in the renter's agreement "What is right for me today might not be right for me tomorrow".
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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A discussion about one of my favorite Harley books !!!!!
Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders
Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.
Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.
Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful. Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.
Buyers believe We are together for life.
Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.
Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.
Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.
Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.
Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.
Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.
Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.
Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.
Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.
Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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If she was needing an explanation I would suggest her to ask for it. And i cannot call him abusive because he broke my mobile but that's it I mean he never did something violent to me.... Are you accustomed to seeing this type of behaviour in men? I find it alarming that you do not consider this violent. A violent partner does not start out violent until hte relationship reaches a level of abusiveness. They will do something violent to an inanimate object first. Violence ramps up slowly in a relationship. If you accept the violence, he is safer to move on to you. Not that it matters. It is frightening being around someone smashing things up even if they never physically harm you. Weren't you frightened?
Last edited by indiegirl; 06/17/15 02:25 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I just feel like I did something wrong....
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Yeah that's the idea!
During my Hs affair my car was smashed into while it was parked. I knew when I called my H I would get blamed because he had started blaming me for everything in recent weeks.
I was screamed at for being stupid. It would never have happened before his A because he was quite a gentle person. However the strain on his conscience was such he had to demonise me. Go over to the Surviving an Affair forum and you will hear every. single. betrayed sposue talking about how it is their fault really that they are being cheated on. Because they've been worked on for months by an angry partner.
Abused spouses are the same - I feel I must have done something wrong.
What though?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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