Didnt,

Yes, but not constantly. (Job interferes.)

Will do.

Thanks,
Remark

Didnt,

I did via text after moving some necessities out of the house.

Thanks,
Remark

You are taking me literally. Which is better than ignoring. Of course, financial support is very important.

What I meant was, to listen to All the shows on POJA when you have breaks. When something surprises you or makes an impression, write it down. The process of writing it will help you to process it and put it in your memory.

Do you know what my husband does? He carries a backpack with him everywhere. In it, he has a planner, our decision book, and a notebook to write down important things I tell him. When we started this, he HAD to write things because either they didn't make sense or he would forget. But now, he is always prepared. And most things he doesn't need to write down anymore because his way of thinking has changed. The concepts make logical sense to him. When I point out IB, he can recognize it and he doesn't cop an attitude about it because he ACCEPTS that the electric shock trigger I get is real- even though he would not experience the same reaction.

So listen to the radio programs as if you are going to be tested on the content. Search by topic and Start with :

1. The POJA
2. Negotiation
(Your biggest challenge is accepting accepting the starting point of two differing perspectives. Also Reread Indie's last few posts on your thread.)

3. Disrespectful Judgments
4. Criticism
(You are not seeing how your way of responding to your wife's differences is disrespectful and inflammatory.)

Are you willing to listen with the intent to cement a new foundation of thinking? Just like you are rehabbing the condo, are you willing to rehab your thinking?

I'm sure that you are discouraged. I know how hopeless looks and feels. But where there's a will there's a way. And even if your wife quits, you should still do all of this. It will be to your benefit and it will make you a better father, employee, leader and friend.

Are you quitting?

Didnt,

Those are all great ideas-what your husband does.

I will incorporate part if not all.

Yes, discouraged.

No, am not quitting. (I didn't mean constantly literally, but at work, I can and do the MB show every day, much more than that is not viable in my job. Best case, 2 or 3 shows / day.)

Thanks,
Remark

Good. Because anyone who can hold down a job and make plans can do this program.

Yes, I believe in the program.
Thanks,
Remark

Ok. Then make sure that your recent apology is not empty by following Indie's advice about how your wife's unenthusiastic perspective on any matter is your 'I should not do that' compass in life.

End of story. No getting stuck. No mulling over why it doesn't make sense. It just IS.

Correction.

I do NOT have internet access via my phone at work. They block that somehow.

Remark, I asked you yesterday about disrespectful judgments.

Today I want to hone in on the concept of "judgment." Because a lot of what you say just constantly reinforces your judgment of your wife.

For example, over and over again yesterday you repeated your opinion about father's day - it's "special." You are putting a positive judgment on father's day, and that implies judgment of anyone who doesn't treat it as special.

We have seen you follow this pattern repeatedly: you want to do something, your wife is not enthusiastic, and you express JUDGMENT of her for not feeling enthusiastic. You do this by talking about how right the thing is you want, or how special it is, or how it's the right thing to do by God, or the right thing to do for your children, or whatever else. You also JUDGE her reaction and say people ought to be able to what you want to do without it being a big "ordeal." You also let other people know when she is reluctant rather than protecting her and keeping her opinions private between the two of you, allowing them to form a judgmental opinion of her as well.

If you can't learn to talk about things you'd like to do without expressing JUDGMENT of your wife for disagreeing with you, your marriage will never make it.

At this point I really wouldn't worry about anything else. If you can't stop this, you might as well file for divorce.

Agreed. All the apologies in the world will not work if this does not change.

I've been the reluctant wife who hated her husband because of the way he treated her. Your wife doesn't need apologies. She needs real change. Empty apologies are just another slap in the face.

Apples,

Sorry, I missed this/these. Let me reply.

I told them JD2D have struggled for years and had finally decided to separate so that we might heal. I made it clear she did NOT kick me out. And that I hoped they'd be supportive and in contact with her as well, rather than abandon her as we did their biological mother.

I explained that I hope we reconcile, and I was working with a set of counselors ( and I explained to them the forum.)

Yes, I talked at length about the Harley program and taught them many of the concepts. (Two of them are married and could relate to many of the issues/concepts.) I accepted much of the blame for the situation, and if we divorce, I'd be very sad and disappointed.

I didn't elaborate on "That your wife should never had to put up with the way you have (and are) behaving?". But, I did explain that playing softball with them against JD2D's wishes was IB (after I had schooled them on IB) and a bad thing for our marriage.

I did explain how hard JD2D has fought for her marriage as i believe I have as well.

Thanks,
Remark

Apples,

In years past, she has sent us out to do the boat thing as I recall, a couple of times. It wasn't nearly as enjoyable without her. You are right!

You understand I'm out of the house now, right? She wants nothing to do with me. I've dug myself a deep hole.

Thanks,
Remark

Well, you are respecting her wishes and most importantly you aren't judging her reasons for it. There's something about being out of the home that really drives that good perspective home for many men. Just be patient and cheerful - this experience will make you an amazing partner in life to someone one way or another.

Markos,

I understand that. I'll lose the concept of this being any other Sunday,and I'll focus on not judging her perspectives.

At the same time, please understand the kids are in town for the weekend primarily because their biological mother is getting married again Saturday. I learned last night that their bio-Mom has festivities Sunday as well, and the kids, with no influence from me, said "Mom, no, it's Father's Day and we're spending it with Dad", weeks ago before I knew any of the above.

Also, JD2D told me in no uncertain terms that if I stayed home and I DID NOT do anything with all five kids, she'd leave the house and leave me alone with our son anyway. (That was before she asked me to move out yesterday.)

Forgetting "judging" anyone for a minute, please, as I am. If JD2D sees mountains (above), I get that. What do I do with the ocean I'm looking at? At this point, if the adult (4) kids will do something with their bio-mom, that's fine with me. That'd probably be what I "want". I'd enthusiastically do anything with JD2D Sunday, but that's not an option.

Thanks,
Remark

If she doesn't want to do anything this weekend, start planning for next week. What are some things you could do together?

Apples,

OK, will do. And, I'll not judge or demand anything. I'll simply suggest with 'How would you feel if we .... ?'

She likes the Botanical Gardens here ( our city has one of the top three in the world), she likes biking and canoe trips, and garage saling.

Thanks,
Remark



Thanks,
Remark

It won't do any good for me to understand anything, Remark. You have a major problem with saying judgmental things about your wife.


I'm not talking about figuring out what to do Sunday and I am not talking about Sunday at all. The way you handled this was just one of many, many examples of you saying things that are judgmental of your wife, referring to her perspective negatively, and making her perspective look bad to other people.

Sigh.

You are pitting them against her.... as if she was too self centered to want them and you to have great times playing softball together.




^^this^^

Markos,
OK, Crap! How should I have communicated this situation that doesn't do that?

Thanks,
Remark