I look forward to Dr. Harley's reply. I will post it when received.

I asked him about both the exposure and the marital integration.

Dr. Harley's answer on the exposure of 2001 event:

"Regarding your ex-husband's situation, what evidence do you have that he did this? Did the girl tell you about it? Unless there is proof beyond your husband�s admission (which he could now deny), I wouldn�t mention it to the girls. I would, however, encourage your husband to tell the girls about it, so that they don�t hear it from someone else years from now. He probably won�t tell them, and a few years from now, you might tell them yourself. But I wouldn�t worry about the effect that it would have on the girls if they were to find out about it. My perspective on truth is that as painful as it is sometimes, it�s always worth having."


I replied to say my proof (other than my xH's admission) was when the police came to the door. I interrupted my xH's cooperation with the police and insisted he hire an attorney, which saved him from going to jail.


I did not include this in my reply, but upon reflection xH could still deny all of that. I don't have the police reports or any physical proof.

If that changes anything, I will update.

With respect to the slow marital integration, Dr. Harley's answer focused on my children and to not move my fiance into my home as my husband if it hurts them.

I replied for some clarification on the harm in marrying now (as we are not ready to wait an additional 18 months) and living separate until then.

I can't date my fiance until June 2017 and still remain true to my values; further, arranging chaperones, etc when I go visit him is not going to be workable for another 2 years.

Will update you on his reply.

What did he actually say?

I will post his further response upon his reply.

My follow up is that, if we remove the blended family component from the equation (by not blending the family), we still want to marry now and live separately until DD16 (junior in high school) graduates.

Also, my girls like him and don't resent that we are dating; they just said if he moves in they will move out. They have expressed they wish my relationship with their dad could have been as beautiful as they observe my relationship with my fiance to be.

According to my faith and MB, and I heartily agree with both, SF is not a good idea prior to marriage. Our relationship is at the level where we are ready to be buyers, not only for SF, but in all of the other ways buyers relate to each other. It would be very emotionally draining for me (and him) to wait 2 years to marry.

Also, it's time to stop worrying about maintaining a good example of dating boundaries for the children (chaperones, etc). We are ready to move beyond that.


Dr. Harley initial email comment:
"My general advice regarding remarriage after divorce is to make sure that the children are in enthusiastic agreement with the plan. If there is any hesitation, I don�t recommend it, regardless of how much in love the couple are. The couple can continue their relationship until the children are on their own, and marry then. Blended families (marriage after divorce with children), and notoriously fragile, and children often become very jealous of their parent�s time and attention. As a parent watches her children suffer after such a marriage, it inevitably ruins the marriage itself as well as the children.

In your case, since your children are just beginning to overcome the trauma of your divorce, and have expressed resentment regarding the relationship you have with your friend, I would encourage you not to have him live with you, even for one night. Your daughters� mental health, and emotional recovery should be your highest priority right now. You should maintain your relationship with him, but not have him live with you, because having him there contributes to their suffering. If I were he, I would begin looking for work in your city now so that he could be near you. You could commit yourselves to marriage now and then actually marry when your daughters have left your home."

It doesn't make sense that your girls like your fiance, but they will move out if you get married and he moves in.

Waiting 18 months is not going to hurt you in the long run. It will probably make your marriage more likely to succeed.

Dr Harley said the children need to be in enthusiastic agreement. Obviously they aren't or they wouldn't be telling you they will move out if he moves in.

They are friendly and cordial to him now, voluntarily engage him in conversations such as telling them about their game or showing him their fingernail art and explaining to him how they did it.

All of my children joined me (and him) for Mother's Day in my home and we had a great day, with the girls being very engaged in the interaction (and REALLY appreciating that he jumped up to initiate the dishes afterwards).

The discomfort is the idea of having a live-in step dad, and living with our beautiful relationship while wishing it could have been with their dad. They are now realizing how empty their parents' marriage always has been, seemingly rewriting their rosy memories of having been raised in a happy home with this new perspective.

Which is why the initial plan was for him to not move in.

Dr. Harley affirmed that instinct, and I agree with Dr. Harley.

That is a separate issue from being married, though.

Although MB's standard position is no nights apart after marriage, not living together has worked for some step families, per Dr. Harley. I can see it's not ideal for a marriage, but it may be our best option, and it is only short term.

I don't see where he told you to get married but live separately. I think he told you to wait.

18 months is not going to kill you.
Markos and I waited 16 months and stayed celibate. Markos parents waited 5 years. It can be done, and will be the best chance for your marriage to survive.

I noticed you "spin" when you don't want to follow MB advice and give these long lengthy posts as to why the advice somehow does not apply to you...like in the case of remaining in contact with your ex because you believe it's "cordial".

That's not a reason to remain in contact and have regular interactions with him. There is NO benefit to doing this - only risk of negative consequences with your new relationship and with your children.

In my parallel parenting post (which I have quoted for you) when the situation between the parents is in conflict, it is not healthy for the children to do this. You've already told us he is "bitter" and exposing an imaginary affair to hurt you. And this has already resulted in a bad experience for your children.

Of course you are free to ignore the advice you are given here, but let's call a spade a spade. You are choosing to reject MB advice and follow Plan Sunnytimes.

What are you talking about? It could not be more clear:

He was this way, but then after my commenting on that, he completely changed. He saw it affected DD17 and that he was causing it.

Now he behaves much differently, and he made a point of turning that corner by inviting the children and I out to a dinner at Cheesecake Factory, all together, some months ago so they could see he and I interacting nicely and help them put that behind them.

The children have enthusiastically requested "family" times which include both of us such as their birthday dinner, or events at DS24's home.

He behaves very nicely at those times now. He also loans his vehicles to my household when the girls are needing to be in separate places at separate times or in other ways makes his support of my household visible.

We now have a friendly and cordial interaction, almost like that of a cousin or such.

I don't invite him into my home or seek out interactions with him. However, when there are interactions due to the children there is no longer any tension.

So that's why at this point I think a Plan B idea would harm the kids more than going along as-is now. You can see in their demeanor that they really enjoy "family" cordiality and events together.

In fact, there is some HOA commotion in my subdivision and he very firmly supported me in front of the kids, loaning his pickup to me for landscaping errands.

So, tension with him was a huge problem for a while but is no longer a problem.

The awful email he circulated that I referenced earlier in this thread was sent out while the tension was still on going (Feb?).

The quote in its entirety does leave more of a door open in my interpretation than in yours:

"My general advice regarding remarriage after divorce is to make sure that the children are in enthusiastic agreement with the plan. If there is any hesitation, I don�t recommend it, regardless of how much in love the couple are. The couple can continue their relationship until the children are on their own, and marry then. Blended families (marriage after divorce with children), and notoriously fragile, and children often become very jealous of their parent�s time and attention. As a parent watches her children suffer after such a marriage, it inevitably ruins the marriage itself as well as the children.

In your case, since your children are just beginning to overcome the trauma of your divorce, and have expressed resentment regarding the relationship you have with your friend, I would encourage you not to have him live with you, even for one night."


Dr. Harley provided his supporting reasons to his advice, which we have abated by not blending the families.

My follow up is since we have abated that, we still want to get married and live separately - without him spending the night here.


It's easy to SAY don't get married, but not doing so would be a huge emotional drain on me. Our relationship is just at that point.

We spend well over 15 hours per week together so even though we have dated for 8 months, our relationship seems to be far beyond that in maturity. We've reached the point where it is just time to be married.

You do realize that any such interactions will put a strain on any future marriage. All the more reason to wait.

Then listen to someone who did it for 16 months. Markos and I managed to do so, and no one could have possibly been more eager or ready to get married than we were.

It is not impossible to wait 18 months. You are just telling yourself it is.

8 months is too soon to marry without all the complicated issues you face. If you are concerned that you will succumb to temptation, do not be alone together.

That is highly commendable!!! I am really impressed you were able to do that.


It has been my experience that dating/bonding after having been married for 25 years is quite different, though.

If this was a traditional first-time relationship I think we wouldn't have connected and bonded as quickly. This relationship has just been beyond amazing from Day 1; we are so perfect for each other in so many ways.

Our relationship has seemed to be lifted up on wings of its own that my heart cannot control. It's hard to describe in words.

We just simply can't maintain a renter mindset or our celibacy for another 2 years. We are ready to be buyers.

And, it is emotionally draining now already to be in such a wonderful relationship that is pending, pending although we are ready for closure.

Would you accept your daughter telling you she has to marry a man she meet a few months ago because she can't resist sex?

If there is any strain or preference otherwise from my new husband, I stop attending them and we celebrate separately.

If my new husband is not welcome to attend, I don't either.