I think your ex-H really did a number on you, and that eliminating contact with him will be very healthy for you and for a new marriage. And I also think that you eliminating contact with him is healthy for your children even if they have to or choose to have continued contact with him.

None of that has anything to do with your continued contact and DATES with him.

You do not have to have contact with him like this in order for the girls to see him. It's not an either/or thing. Susie has told you that numerous times.

Because exposure is the most basic part of the program.

If you are sure Dr. Harley isn't advocating exposure, why don't you ask him?

Think about that for a minute.

Just like a couple can enthusiastically agree to something that is bad for their marriage, everybody knows that not everything kids are enthusiastic about is good for them.

You would probably judge me harshly if I wanted to please my kids and so I gave them nothing to eat but donuts, or if I wanted to please my kids so I did not make them do their math homework, or if I wanted to please my kids so I let my teenage girls have overnights with their boyfriends.

Yes we want happy kids but that is no reason to agree to something that's not healthy, like continued contact with your ex. You need to recover from your marriage, and to do that you need to get away from this man. That is what will help ensure your kids' long term happiness, more than anything: a healthy mother.

Taking Prisca and the kids out on fun family events is how I won her heart again when she was reluctant about our marriage. It's a great strategy for an ex husband to make love bank deposits, too. You want to avoid letting your ex husband make love bank deposits, almost at all cost! BTW, it's also a great strategy that predators use.

You are robbing your daughters of information they need to protect themselves. They need to know their dad is a child molester.

Aren't they close in age to the girl he molested ?

Yes, my fiance knows the whole story.

I have been on the watch for any inklings of any deposits coming back to life in a love account with xH due to my exposure to MB, but there is simply NO way I want any part of my futile past life back. I don't find xH physically attractive anymore and I'm not at all attracted to his personality or the way he likes to converse, etc etc.

I have no problem not seeing him anymore, but I hate to make a big deal of implementing a dark Plan B in the kids' lives. I think that would distress them.

I have never been happier in all of my adult life, and people who knew me from before continuously comment that I am just glowingly happy since the divorce. I don't want any part of a relationship with xH back.

I did despise that about him, and even though at the time I felt I had not choice but to remain married (how dumb was that), I didn't respect him anymore. I still don't.

Until you've done that, you're really not ready to get married again.

Thank you for the encouragement! It's hard to be clobbered all at once with so many posts, so I appreciate this one a lot!

:-)

It's really impossible for anyone to be objective about that. That's not how the Love Bank works.

We can see the inklings.

This man also gaslit you for a very long time.

Then stop all contact, because like it or not, he's making deposits.

I was also on the watch for any deposits from markos back when I hated him. He still snuck his way in, by doing just what you are doing with your ex.

You don't control what makes lovebank deposits. The only way to prevent it is to cut off contact completely.

This is why Dr. Harley tells people to never see or talk to previous lovers when they are married.

I think you are right. xH did do a number on me. He was a very strong minded, strong spoken person who didn't care for me very much any time his way was not convenient for me during our marriage.

And 25 years was a long time for that until this MB forum taught me there were options rather than just taking it.

My fiance has been so opposite. When I realized our relationship could be very beautiful together, I made the choice to be emotionally vulnerable, i.e. not hold back or sugar coat feelings, but to just put out there how I feel about things, or not hide flaws about me, etc.. I decided I wanted to know before marriage if I could trust him with my heart and soul instead of learning I couldn't afterwards.

He has treasured me and my interests equal to or almost greater than his own, never once playing advantage on any vulnerability. He has only extended extraordinary care and good will in every way.

I've experienced something very wonderful in this relationship that could not be more starkly opposite of that marriage. I've grown to trust my fiance with my heart and soul as every day he proves more and more that he has no instinct or desire to hurt me or be self centered whatsoever.

He is also a natural POJA-er. He approaches every situation as to how it can be enthusiastically resolved instead of how he can win.

Thank you for sharing that.

I do not want any love deposits from him whatsoever.

But x's have to see each other at family events/child exchanges, etc unless a very dark Plan B is implemented which is not always needed, right?

What limitations are you advising, practically speaking?

Because of your horrible marriage you are incredibly vulnerable to a man who cares for you in the least.

But you sound like you don't actually care about really doing MB.

OK. Thank you for pointing this out.

You are right on the gas lighting. I chose to be treated that way because I didn't see a way out.

I have a question out to your wife on what the practical boundaries of seeing him (child exchanges, weddings, etc) are short of a dark plan B, which doesn't seem to be needed for everyone in divorce on these boards - just those who's x's are harassing.

So does he value you enough to wait for you?

I did ask him. His email to me this morning is quoted verbatim in my response above.

OK. I don't want that. I will stop the dinner "date" stuff.

Thank you for persistently pointing this out.

There is a police report though. Why don't you get it? Dr. Harley is advocating PROVABLE exposure. Have you even tried?

Yes, he would. He has always said our relationship is for "us" and has been very respectful of my timing.

We mutually just don't want to wait. I would find it very emotionally draining. Once a relationship is at a certain point, waiting is academic. I just don't feel the need to wait.

That's why we thought delaying a full integration would address both the girls' discomfort with having a step-dad living in their home, but also meet our needs to enjoy our relationship as buyers. By this I don't specifically mean SF, I mean the full scope of companionship and connection that comes along with a buyer relationship. We are ready for that now, and waiting for 2 years just doesn't feel necessary if we have addressed the needs of the girls.

For example, I just received a call from a DD16 and asked her about her plans. At this time, my fiance spends 2 - 3 nights a week in my home (chaperoned by my adult children) and we do not sleep together. This week he has tomorrow off so he had planned to arrive tonight instead of tomorrow. DD16 was listing her plans and then I let her know that fiance would be here today instead of tomorrow. She was not distressed at all and said "OK" with warmness and cordiality.

They are ok with us seeing each other, and they like him. They are OK with him visiting for the weekends. They just don't want a stepdad living in their home for the reasons described previously.

You can't really have that if you are not living together.