New to posting but have been lurking for a while, so I know the concepts okay. My boyfriend has been separated from the other woman who was working in the family firm, but only because his sister fired the OW. He does not see her day to day now, but we suspect she is in touch.

I wonder what kind of contact causes the most withdrawal? Does it have to be visual contact like meeting, or verbal like talking on the phone? There is very little opportunity for either of this now. Would email or social media have the same of lesser effect? Particularly if she is IMing him or sending pictures?

Any form of contact will prolong withdrawal.

Do you have children with this man?

Yes, we have a boy. He's not aware that anything went on. Luckily my sister-in-law likes us and dislikes the OW. So she keeps an eye on him at work and I keep an eye on him at home. But's he's in withdrawal emotionally.

Jenni, legally he is a free man and this complicates use of the principles. He could be telling her anything about the level of commitment between you two so we cannot automatically assume her to be a desperado willing to lay down for a married man - that makes it somewhat less likely to be short lived, easily broken house of cards as most affairs are.

You also can't expose because you'd get into legal trouble for calling it an affair. You lucked out by knowing her boss! But there are other exposure targets to consider.

Why didn't you marry? Do you suspect him of wishing to remain available?

If she's sending him messages the relationship is still on and withdrawal hasn't started.

We've been living together for many years. So he is my partner. He *is* the boss, the managing director of the small family firm and his sister is the HR director. The OW recently started work for him. When my sister-in-law got wind of him she fired the OW while my partner was at a technical conference in Spain. The affair was on for only about 6 weeks max before his sister got rid of her.

Is that long enough for him to become that emotionally involved with her? I mean 6 weeks should be no match compared to our relationship of 18 years, right?

Can you imagine smoking crack for six weeks?

The exhilaration of sex on the side is like smoking crack.

BTW - you must be British!

What does your partner say about this other relationship? Does he at least say that he is willing to let it end? Does he say that he is sorry he did it? Does he say he wants to stay with you?

Why did you never marry?

Yeah, we're English. I guess the Managing Director gave it away.

That crack comment, Sugar. It stabs me like daggers. I'm hoping it's just a temporary thing he has got out of his system, like a mid-life crisis. But right now he's emotionally involved. i can sense it.

Depends on what you mean. Affairs are temporary things generally, the deception and callousness become their undoing if they are exposed to reality and become full time proper relationships. As fantasy secretive relationships, they can last forever and you will not be able to compete with a woman who operates in a conflict-free reality free bubble.

You will be vegetables and she will be dessert.

Basically if he is allowed to have a real life with you, and blame you for all his real life problems - yet escape reality with some side-contact with her, this could go on indefinitely and she will get more credit for making him happy than you do.

You can't compare these relationships with normal ones. They have more impact on the brain.



I'm not denying for a minute that he owes you much better than this. I'm just pointing out that you don't have the fall back safety net that a marriage certificate provides. Before this, your private agreement of commitment was enough. Now, he can deny it at any given moment - as he has been doing already with her and could do so publicly if you expose him. He probably told her you got pregnant and that was all your partnership was based on. Doesn't matter if it's not true, she can't see any ring. You also can't legally expose him or the OW and I've never seen an affair successfully fought without exposure.


Your best bet may be snooping, and stepping aside to let the A take the brunt of reality.

Why did you not marry? Mutual decision?



This would make me very uneasy. He hasn't cut off contact with her, and given the very addictive nature of affairs it will soon be full blown again. When that happens there is nothing stopping him from rehiring her. Not to mention she has a good sexual harassment claim which gives her leverage against him.

His company would take huge hits either way, I would see a lawyer about what assests you can safeguard.

If you look it up mid- life crises don't even exist. They are usually hidden affairs causing the behaviour.

Anyone can get into an affair if they have long conversations with a member of the opposite sex.

More like "6 weeks max".

You haven't answered any questions about why you never got married. Please tell us why.

How long have you been living together, and how old is your son?

To give you an example Jen, in my xhs affair he tried to tell the OW and later others that he had only married me 'for legal reasons' (this is how dumb the dopamine chemicals from cheating make their brains).

It didn't wash with anyone. It was nonsensical, it was not what people had seen at the wedding - even strangers could tell he clearly hadn't proposed that way - besides I had put my wedding pictures on FB before exposing.

People close to you, like his sister, will know your situation and be shocked by his behaviour - but exposure has to shock strangers too.

It also has to be legal. I'm a UK trained journalist and calling this an affair would be libellous.

Every cheater rewrites history to cover up their shame. "We've been miserable for years!" It's easier to do when they're not married.

> What does your partner say about this other relationship? Does
> he at least say that he is willing to let it end? Does he say
> that he is sorry he did it? Does he say he wants to stay with
> you?

He's denying anything ever happened. He's in total denial about it to us.

It's like we are married. There's no difference except for a piece of paper.

That is what happened in my situation. Denied it completely and took it underground.

If you install spyware you can give poeople close to him the evidence. Keep it for your son. However I don't think it's legally safe to expose OW.

Living together 18 years. Son is 17.

I guess the sister-in-law getting rid of OW *was* the exposure. Everyone at work knew about the affair and saw her being fired and very publicly humiliated and thrown out of the office. Sister-in-law will not allow her to be hired back.

Anything going on has to be secret. But as I said, sis keeps an eye on him at work and I keep an eye on him at home.

But whose decision was that to go withtout the piece of paper?

If it was just him (and you wanted to get married) that is different to an assumption on both your parts that love was enough commitment.

One is an innocent mistake, the other could imply serial cheating.

But with what? Doesn't sound like you have spyware in place?

You'll have to be careful with the legalities here to as his belongings are not yours. You should be OK with a voice recorder in your home though.

jenni - I really don't have time to squeeze blood from a stone. I'm writing more about your relationship than you are. Your scant answers are not helping me.

Why did you never marry? "It's like we are married" is not an answer to that question. Why did you never marry, and how long have you been living together?

Also, how did you find out that he was seeing someone else? And if you have evidence, how is he able to deny it? What did you actually find out?

How old are you, your partner, your son, and OW?