So you want a lifetime of walking on eggshells or are we talking about going through withdrawal and coming out the other side to someone better?

I'm sorry for your hurt but I agree with the others that this guy has issues.

As a man, I think what you describe with him coming home and screaming at you/smashing your phone is inexcusable. There's nothing you could have done which would warrant that reaction. I've been the victim of infidelity (like many others commenting to you here) so I do speak from experience of having gone through some tremendous hurt from a partner.

I imagine this is very painful for you since you guys were together for so long but I would urge you to keep your chin up and move on to someone else who will protect you from this type of behavior.

There are plenty, plenty of men out there who would never do this to you. Either losing control of themselves and smashing your phone/yelling at you, or up and leaving you with no explanation like this.

The book that was recommended earlier will help you find someone who will treat you right and take care of you. As much as I'm sure you have found to love about this guy, I'm sure you'd rather never find yourself hurting like this again, am I right?

you are right in everything you have said. I just hurt maybe because I was waiting after our fight, him to come and find me and at least say something. I was waiting him to miss me or understand that he overacted.. But his behaviour showed to me that he doesn't care and he feels nothing...It is maybe for my self-steem as well...I don't know....

In a year you will be with someone who makes this guy look like a loser.

24 days after I left the house and a week after he brought my stuff he contacted me for the fisrt time now by a txt in which he was writing next week I will bring you some of your furniture.....

Do you have a friend or two who could help you go get your stuff, or be around when he comes by with it? It will help you a lot with what is a very difficult situation, emotionally.

Male family members might be even better if you don't have any friends willing to help out.

That and it will keep this guy on his best behavior rather than him taking the opportunity to say or do something else hurtful to you.

xjterry, I think he's shown by his latest action in contacting you that he's not going to make this right or give you any explanation or satisfaction.

Dating is a job interview for marriage. He has failed the interview. It's time to reject this candidate.

It is clear you are becoming depressed, and that's something that we hear about a lot from Dr. Harley. Dr. Harley used to treat depression in addition to his work as a marriage counselor. He would say that you need to put some things into your day that you look forward to each day, and cut yourself off from reminders ("triggers") of what you have lost that you are depressed about. He might also recommend that you see a doctor to get some short term medication prescribed to help lift you up, so that you can do what it takes to recover long term.

The number one cause of depression for women is her relationship with her husband or boyfriend. Depression is a feeling of permanent loss. It gets your brain into a state where you can't think about what you could do that would make you happy again. But if you can change your circumstances - start taking care of yourself and plan some things you enjoy and look forward to - you will cure your own depression. If you can't do that, then some short term AD medication can get your brain thinking well enough again to do that and cure it permanently.

Read this and tell us what you think.

Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Are you going to ask him for an explanation?

I don't know If I want to say something to him...I didn't reply to his txt at all because I didn't know what to write... I was just waiting a different behavior from him, I am just hurt, dissapointed and with no words...

I called him� It is 26 days that I din�t bother him and I just called him today but he din�t pick up the phone. I cnnot understand why he is doing it�He could at least pick up the phone and talk with me�

He probably has someone else.

He probably does have someone else. Now your best course of action is to not contact him anymore. You don't want to seem needy and pathetic.

I agree that it is very unnerving that you do not get a normal explanation from someone you have had a relationship with for so many years. Although you may not feel like this at all, one day, you will be glad that you did not have children and a big house with this man, like many other posters did as they were left without notice.

Go dark and change your phone number, so that HE cannot contact YOU.

Hi XJ,

It's been a couple weeks. How are you getting along? You have been given great advise. Of course some of it is hard to hear but hopefully it will eventually be like balm on a terrible wound.

I thought I'd chime in to say my own daughter experienced a similar 'drift' in a long time relationship. She had been with a guy and not married for 10 years. No children. She ended the relationship over a year ago. He'd become emotionally and verbally abusive. He was not even at the level of a renter or at least not consistently, he'd been a freeloader. She'd invested her time, resources and built up a set of dreams for their lives together. Trouble was he already got everything he wanted out of the relationship and there was no reason to press on. At the time my daughter ended this drifting relationship she did not know he'd hooked up with someone else. But she'd grown so weary and was alone in the relationship.


It took time but eventually the truth came forward without the exchange of words or contact between them. From my own perspective I'd say trust in God to give you what you need most when you need it.

She learned he was with a woman who had a small child. My daughter had longed to start a family and he always had an excuse to push the timing off. Now this woman had a kid he did not have to be responsible for if he didn't want and a woman who wasn't longing to begin a family.

Now our daughter is in her mid-thirties. A beautiful woman. Dating and knows what she wants. I'm able to discuss MB principles with her. At some point she will meet her husband. I have a feeling once they meet within 6 months they will make a decision and marry between 12-18 months later.