Good point, apples.

This demonstrates some super cloudy thinking on your part.

You are divorced. There is nothing to be done about that, period. That's REALITY. Making your children face a basic reality regardless of whether they like it or not is not harmful to them.

When they want you and your ex to get together and play happy family it is also because they have hope you two to get back together. That's not uncommon for kids of divorce. Why would you perpetuate that?

Very cloudy thinking.

And you are just as wrong about that as every other poster who has been here saying why they can't, won't, or shouldn't Plan B.

It's like you have an alien parasite in you that is fighting against the treatment that would destroy it.

Your kids need a mom who is not alien infested. Your ex husband put it there and you can only get it out by cutting off contact with this child molesting perp.


My kids enjoy it so it must be good for them!

My wife said porn was okay with her, so it must be great for our marriage!

I think I'll feed the kids Pillsbury icing for breakfast tomorrow morning

Ok, can I say something here? You talk about your very nearly adult (by your description) children, as if they are helpless infants. I find it (personally) absurd that they wouldn't be able to "handle" having their stepdad living in their home. You will not be buyers until you are living together FULL TIME. A marriage certificate does not make you buyers. Your "children" are fully old enough to handle a stepfather in their lives. Who is the parent here? You are letting nearly adult children who will only be in your house another 18 months at MOST rule over you like they are little dictators! Either WAIT until they are out of the house to marry, or move him in upon marriage.

That is quite wrong.

To those girls, this is a strange man moving in to their home. He will see them in their dressing gowns and be just across the hall while they sleep.

A relationship between a young adult girls and a man who moves into their home is fraught with problems.

A stepfather is not a father, and there is no reason why they should feel comfortable with him.

Did you see Dr Harley's advice?

If ST does not follow it, most likely she will damage her relationship with her children AND have a troubled 2nd marriage.

Dr Harley's advice was entirely to protect the children, if they are not enthusiastic about the marriage. He did not say they need to get over it. He said that they had suffered a trauma with the divorce, and their mental health needs to be protected.

Here is what he wrote:

"My general advice regarding remarriage after divorce is to make sure that the children are in enthusiastic agreement with the plan. If there is any hesitation, I don�t recommend it, regardless of how much in love the couple are. The couple can continue their relationship until the children are on their own, and marry then. Blended families (marriage after divorce with children), and notoriously fragile, and children often become very jealous of their parent�s time and attention. As a parent watches her children suffer after such a marriage, it inevitably ruins the marriage itself as well as the children.

In your case, since your children are just beginning to overcome the trauma of your divorce, and have expressed resentment regarding the relationship you have with your friend, I would encourage you not to have him live with you, even for one night. Your daughters� mental health, and emotional recovery should be your highest priority right now. You should maintain your relationship with him, but not have him live with you, because having him there contributes to their suffering. If I were he, I would begin looking for work in your city now so that he could be near you. You could commit yourselves to marriage now and then actually marry when your daughters have left your home."

That is entirely the opposite of what you just wrote.

Be careful to follow Dr Harley's advice when you advise another poster.

Sunnytimes, after everything you have said about your convictions, I am quite surprised you have let a man you are not married to live in your home. Are you feeling pressure to marry right away because you have already broken your own moral code?

Wounded - these girls are still minors in her home. Their care is more important than their mother's new boyfriend. (If she was in her 20s and had little kids, would you advocate the same?) Bringing a man into the house is a great risk to them. They should not be subjected to this. He is not her husband. This is not the same as a nuclear family and the children have every right to voice their concerns. It is not rebellion, it is safety.

There were also some red flags concerning this man's relationship with his own children. If those concerns were not resolved, these teenagers may be protecting their mother as well as themselves. Sometimes we under estimate the intelligence of our children.

Sunny you are really good at this stuff with other people - apply your MB knowledge to yourself. You DO have rather warm, cordial feelings for him which make objective onlookers like us rather aghast. You don't talk about him like a wayward or paedophile when he is both.

Romantic love happens overnight. Dr H says you 'wake up one day'. Usually it's with someone you've chosen to date but sometimes it's someone you have been stuck with - co-worker or ex spouse. Sometimes people make the ghastly misjudgment of deciding they 'don't find them attractive' and deciding it's safe. Hence why almost ALL APs are uggos and losers. You are more at risk of this in a dodgy marriage such as the one you propose, in which you will be separated.

Your ex is the only man in the world who can make FC deposits. It's quite obvious he is and you appreciate it. That is on top of the fact you once loved him enough to marry! There is a reason why Dr H says NO contact with former lovers!

You're headed for disaster because you'd rather bend over backwards to please your kids. No they shouldn't have to have personal contact with a man they aren't comfortable with BUT NEITHER SHOULD YOU.

Please talk to yourself the way you talk to other posters!

My apologies. I saw it as he's already staying in their home 3-4 nights a week? Did I read that wrong? Regardless, she isn't planning on following Dr Harley's advice but I see where my thoughts conflict with his.

Thank you for your comments, but please don't speak for me.

I usually only comment where I can see one spouse has been perpetrating a pattern of verbal abuse because I can pick up on their mindset instinctively (having been under it for 25 years). xH's or former partners are not my forte, and I usually don't comment on them - but it is definitely yours and I appreciate your advice.


You, Prisca and markos have been very patient in pointing this out. I get it now!

Your point about him being the only one able to deposit FC really caught my attention too. As you may have noticed (!) my children are very dear to my heart.

I never want to go back towards any romantic relationship with my xH. I think 25 years of empty apologies and abuse was enough.

Thank you, indiegirl.

He does not live in my home, I have not broken my moral code and I do not feel under any pressure to get married.

Which is one of many reasons I know this man is a keeper! :-)

Also, one quick update regarding the girls:

Last night a conversation about my fiance came up with DD16 that made my day (made my week!).

In the conversation, I admitted I had formally accepted his proposal of marriage a few weeks ago. She smiled and chuckled and said "We are not blind. We know!" and gave me a hug.

I told her that utmost in our planning was caring for her and her sister's emotional health and comfort. She said she didn't mind if my fiance "lived" in her home at least as often as he comes to visit now, or if I went to visit him during the week.

I can't express how immensely and pleasantly surprised I was because several months ago she had expressed surliness at the idea of him being here after we were married, so at that time I had quickly let it drop with assurances that I want her to be comfortable.

She expressed her desire to live with her dad for part or all of her senior year is because she feels so bad that he lives alone without any of them, and she wants him to be able to be with kids, too. She emphasized that if she did that, it wouldn't have anything to do with my fiance (or if then, husband), but because she is feeling bad for her dad. This is completely not how she had said it several months ago!

SO!! This is an encouraging turn of events, and means that only my DD17, who is a senior this year, may still have some reservations about an integration. I haven't spoken to her about it in a while (don't want to push her into agreeing to something she doesn't want).

I'll watch for an opportunity to test the waters with DD17 in a month or two if I continue to see the positive attitude she currently displays towards my fiance.

Dr. Harley's advice was against blending the families with a marriage if the children had any reservations. The reservations may be shorter lived than I had previously thought.

Sunny, I'm rereading what Dr. Harley said to you:


Dr. Harley said not to tell your girls unless there is proof.

But I'm reading elsewhere on this thread that there is a police report.

So tell the girls, and give them the police report.

Quit letting the girls feel sorry for their child molesting Dad. TELL your daughters about this, because they are making mistakes like planning to go live with him without having all of the facts.

I'm going to stay on this, Sunny, and I'm asking all the other posters on this thread to please join me and do the same. You are not acting like this man kissed a nude teen girl, but he did.

Everybody with me, now: When will you be showing your daughters the police report, Sunny?

DITTO!

Yup!