When?

I'd like to know, as well.

I don't believe this is a coincidence and I don't think Dr Harley would either. When you just so happen to mention that you want this marriage to happen and will wait for the kids to be gone to move him in....your DD coincidentally mentions she would like to live with her dad full time? Yet everything is happy and great? I am not buying it. I think she is trying to make you happy.

ST, you are going to damage your relationship with your daughters because you are soo determined to make this marriage happen ASAP.

Same here.

I have a feeling ST is going to be very much opposed to this idea now, because she will not want to give her DD a reason to not want to move in with her father. Sigh.

Is it supposed to be a coincidence that the post about this went ignored?

Me as well.

If I was your DD16 and feeling sorry for my dad and thinking I will go live with him and this whole time my mom knew and had evidence of some very disturbing information. I would wonder why she never told me when she had proof the whole time.

This comment is very ugly.

I have never thought such a thing.

A life's lesson I learned some time ago was that you can not guess another's thoughts. You can observe behaviors but thinking nasty things about people like this is wasted time because it is simply a wild a##ed, made-up guess.

Your guess fell far off the mark and is mean.

This is quite a pile up based on something I never said.

There is a police report but I DON'T HAVE IT. Never did. I have never read it.

His attorneys even told him that he could not talk to me about what happened in case the police question me but he told me "everything" - what he said was everything, anyway. They told me that to save his tail from jail I had to stay out of it.

Now, I wish I had requested a copy of that report. I don't know if they would even have a 15 year old report or if they would give it to me because it references a minor. I don't know.

There IS a police report out there - or was. In answer to Dr. Harley's question - how do I know for sure - I know for sure because of police involvement and because of the money I had to spend on attorneys. He could simply deny it because I currently have NOTHING to show for my allegations other than his knowledge that I am telling the truth.

Contrary to all of your pile-ons, Dr. Harley did not express the repulsed urgency that you all have expressed. While I know it happened, I don't have any evidence to prove to anyone that it did.

I will follow Dr. Harley's advice on the matter.

You could request the report. Just see if it goes anywhere.

Did Dr. Harley know your daughter was considering move in with the x?

Guys/gals, I appreciate your good intentions, but there are a lot of comments in my thread that are just plain hater-mean.

Apples has a way to assume/accuse negatives in most of her posts that are simply not true and SusieQ's comment was out of line nasty; there are numerous other comments that assume/accuse as well.

We may be strangers over the internet, but I am a person and I have feelings.

Beyond that, much of the advice is based on assumptions you are making that are simply not true.

I will follow Dr. Harley's advice regarding exposure which he personally extended to my specific situation.

You are reading tone into my text that isn't there.

Well, for example:



He doesn't.

'Have you even' read my my comments? When he visits he stays the night only with other adult chaperones in the house, and we sleep separately.



'Have you even' read my comments? They were quite clear that we were not having sex.




Yes, but nice way to assume I hadn't.

None of which conveys tone.

Sunny,

At the end of the day, you are jumping into one marriage when the last one isn't even cold.

You are NOT putting your children as a priority, despite telling yourself otherwise. You talk about all your children like they are grown adults with their own lives, but they are NOT. They are teenagers, not adults, right? But you treat them like adults because it suits YOUR goal.

They are being forced to suck up and deal with this. You don't want to slow do or stop this, and nothing they say or do will change that.

Enough already, I can't even. This thread is all about you and what you want. You only see and read what you want.

Dr. Harley specifically said not to marry him and to let your kids heal. That isn't this, no matter how much you twist it to suit your goal.

Good luck to you, Sunny. Out of the pan and into the fire. The reason everyone here is "mean" is because you are talking like a selfish 12 yo with a crush, when you are a grown woman barely divorced with kids. Knock it off already and start using your head!

Not true. That's why I had decided he shouldn't move into my home and contemplated married with the step-family not blending, per Dr. Harley's own advice in some blended situations. I got that idea from Dr. Harley's own article; it wasn't something I came up with.

On this board many have piled on with comments like this, however.


Quite the contrary, alis. At no point was I planning to shove a blending down their throats, and no where in my thread did I say so.

That is why Dr. Harley's advice in another situation about a marriage that kept the families unblended until they were out of the house was intriguing.




Dr. Harley's advice is excerpted as follows; his comments on deferring the marriage were directed at the girls not experiencing the blending.

This is my life, I am living it. It's easy for you to just proclaim your own interpretation and get mean. However, the subtle distinction means a lot to me, and deeply/daily affects me for the next two years.

I don't understand the pile on in the comments when I said that I was awaiting Dr. Harley's clarification.

Why not just let him clarify and not prejudge what he would say? His advice on exposure was FAR different than what even seasoned posters were vigorously demanding.

"In your case, since your children are just beginning to overcome the trauma of your divorce, and have expressed resentment regarding the relationship you have with your friend, I would encourage you not to have him live with you, even for one night. Your daughters� mental health, and emotional recovery should be your highest priority right now. You should maintain your relationship with him, but not have him live with you, because having him there contributes to their suffering. If I were he, I would begin looking for work in your city now so that he could be near you. "

Because it was clear in my email to Dr. Harley we would not live together prior to marriage, his comments do not seem as if an unblended marriage is OFF the table, although they are very clear to not force blending on the girls.

As mentioned previously, I have followed up with him for clarification of his advice.

Dr. Harley's comments are quite a bit more gracious than those of most contributors on this board. I don't just mean his tone is nicer, I mean he is quite a bit less black-and-white.


This is mean.

I have already said earlier that I was awaiting Dr. Harley's follow up email for clarification on his advice. But you say things like this anyway.

I don't see how any of these posters can possibly help you if you are unwilling to see how your own actions are perceived, and you are going to twist words to suit your purpose. Consider the "pile-on" as being people trying to give your head a shake.

YOU asked the question "... how fast is too fast?" and the resounding answer is "this is too damn fast!!!" but you just don't want to hear it. I have no idea why you need "clarification", his post was very clear, although it does not agree with you.

You've posted here long enough to know what when all the vets "pile on" and are mean, it is because the poster is doing something foolish and doesn't want to hear it. "Mean" is code for "you don't agree with me". Unless you are unique and nobody understands.

But you can GET the police report, Sunnytimes. You are a smart woman and I know you know this. Dr Harley's only objection to this was that you didn't have proof and your H would just deny it. Your daughters are at risk as long as they don't know the truth. Why do that to them?

Again, I am awaiting Dr. Harley's clarification.

Although Dr. Harley's advice did not suggest that exhausting all means to obtain evidence now was imperative or urgent, to answer your question I will call the police dept today and ask for a copy of the report.

I will be very surprised if it is accessible, but Melody I respect your kind advice and will see if it is.

I think the you are the one being mean to your DD.

Dr Harley did not say anything about sitting your children down and having a conversation with them basically telling them you would be delaying your happiness and marriage until they were out of the house. And then having your DD move in with your ex? And then not even protect her and your other DD (and their friends for that matter) by getting that police report.

I don't think you are thinking clearly.