Sunny, are you two attending premarital counseling? Just wondering.
On another note, I don't think you have anything to lose by delaying the wedding for 2-3 years while your kids heal emotionally. You can go on dates together, still be engaged and enjoy that relationship stage, and save money for a nice ceremony or honeymoon.

The whole "clarifying" issue concerned me....I have never seen a poster do that, where they only will share parts of what Dr H has advised and then say they are awaiting "clarification" - I am not sure what there was to clarify regarding the 2nd M. He was very clear that she shouldn't marry at this time. Why not just share the entire email? Why not share what she wrote back to him?

My guess is she was trying to get Dr H to change his stance with regard to his telling her to hold off on the marriage. My guess is also that he did not change his position and since she was already unhappy about the exposure advice, she disappeared.

If you look at some of Sunny's posts after getting the Dr Harley's advice, there were some red flags.... "Dr Harley said no disruption". Why even use that wording? MB doesn't have any principles specifically designed to "disrupt" a relationship between a child and a parent. Sunny herself is the one who has said in a past thread that she didn't want to expose in order to not "disrupt" the relationship the children have with their father. When it was pointed out that Dr Harley didn't say anything about "no disruption", just told her to expose, Sunny seemed to get very aggitated.

Sunny, if you are still with us, I had concerns about you all the way back from your previous thread last year... You were looking for advice on how to basically convince/blackmail your ex WH into not having any teen girls sleep over at his place. When posters advised you as to the need for exposing, you indicated there was no problem, your ex was remorseful...it was unnecessary. Posters pressed you on this - why be concerned about girls sleeping there but then say there is no need to expose? You bailed on that thread too.

This indicates skewed thinking to me - a person who can manipulate facts and rationalize things in their head in order to justify behavior. I think it is this type of thinking that allowed you to bail your ex out in the first place. And this type of thinking that allowed you to continue your relationship (opposite of Plan B/D MB advice) with him and your children when that is unhealthy for all parties involved (which you were told over and over, you bailed on posters then too).

Sunny, I would LOVE to be wrong in this case. I am really worried about your daughters, their friends, potential granddaughters, etc. I also think if you ignore Dr Harley re the 2nd marriage, you are going to end up deeply regretting it. If you are still reading, please come back and let us know what is happening. If you are feeling conflicted, maybe we can help you work it out.

Sunny, I saw you posting on another thread. Would you like to give an update on your situation?

Hi goody,

My thread became hijacked with so much wild speculation on everyone's part - far off the mark - that I let it go rather than attempt to refute it all. I have never contemplated dumping my children for a romantic relationship, which was one of the more absurd accusations.

I had corresponded with Dr. Harley several times and then he was asking about the financial side of things. He never replied back to my response, so my correspondence with him fell off. I did not pursue further communications because I felt I understood his overall instinct on my situation.

I've had some way ups and way downs on my journey since these posts.

In Oct 2015, DD16 decided that she wanted to move out of my house and into her dad's house. That wretched my heart, but when I talked through the reasons for her choice with her, one of the things she mentioned was her dad "rode her butt" to keep her room clean there so she enjoyed her room at his house better. I told her regardless of her decision, I'll help her clean her room if it has gotten out of hand and it might take us an hour or two together. She will still need it for when she comes to visit me. She insisted that would not be the case and that she was too stressed out to even think abut cleaning her room and that she didn't want a visitation schedule for several reasons, one being her room. She would just see me if she had time. Ouch!

So, I hadn't been up to her room for a a month or so, but went up after she left to see what was going on. It was horrible - almost as if she had sabotaged it to help her make her decision to leave it. Trash, dishes, food, clothing everywhere. I was grateful to not find cockroaches and rats. As if a dozen hoarders had taken over and their pet pigs.

It took me over 12 hours and 20+ loads of laundry to clean her bedroom and bathroom. She was so grateful when she saw it next (she didn't return for several weeks) that she bought me some flowers and a card to say thank you. I have "ridden her butt" like she said her dad does to keep her room clean since, and am happy to report it is still sparkling clean. Good girl!! :-)

To make a long story short, her dad was unable to maintain an even temper with her and on Thanksgiving scolded her unfairly (to her view) in front of an older brother, his girlfriend and took sides with her younger brother who was accusing her in the wrong (in her view), so she moved back in with me and thankfully has been living here ever since. I think he probably lost his patience with her because he was drinking. His mouth can be very sharp and mean when he is drinking. So whether she was in the wrong or not, he put her down publicly and nastily, which was very hurtful to her.

She is the child he chased around with his fists raised, and who would frequently run to the bathroom in fear of him so she could lock the door while peeing her pants when she was a pre-teen & etc, etc. I think she wanted so desperately to have a good relationship with her dad that she wanted to move in with him, hoping for his kind attention since she was the only child stepping up to do that. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to maintain that.

She recently received a 6 point citation for a traffic violation and she wanted my fiance to come to a mandatory court appearance with her and specifically requested that I not tell her father.

I am not speaking up to advocate that she repair relationship with her father because every time she does (several times at my urging), he just lashes out to hurt her again unexpectedly. Probably when he has been drinking, but I'm not there to know for sure. So now I'm just staying quiet about it in the background and supporting her choice, in whatever way she makes it, in how she relates to her father. I will not encourage her back into this type of emotional seesawing as its very hurtful to her. I couldn't take it; why should she have to?

As to exposure, my girls have been made aware of their father's old behavior, as everyone here had urged me to do. This was very difficult for me to do because they were sincerely wretched to hear it. I felt so horrible to see them experience the pain of that knowledge.

At this time, all of my underage children still live with me, and as far as I can tell, they are not interested in changing that. I have much to be grateful for. Their dad has not insisted on specific visitation - just allows the kids to make it over when they want to.

As for my relationship with my fiance, it has continued to grow as wonderfully as it ever has. We are eagerly looking forward to our future together after my DD18 graduates from school in June. She is the only one of my children who does not want to have a new husband in the house while she is still home so we are giving her the time she needs.

I'm happy to read that things are going well for you.