you asked
What specifically is he asking of you that is "controlling?"

When he asked me how I felt about moving I told him I will move but I also expressed my reservations. Big city, starting all over at a new job, etc.
His words where that this marriage will be how he wants it to be. I can't demand anything or disagree with anything because from now on he will do what he wants and I will do what he tells me. There is no room for negotiation.
Basically every time I disagree with something he brings up the affair and how I've been and I have no right to have my way.
I totally understand how he feels. But if we are going to follow this program we both have to make concerted efforts. Every conversation ends up about the affair, the lies and that I'm a b*** and a piece of s****
He says he forgives me but things are going to be his way.
He's probably right. They should have been his way. I violated his trust and with that any privileged.

His words where that this marriage will be how he wants it to be. I can't demand anything or disagree with anything because from now on he will do what he wants and I will do what he tells me. There is no room for negotiation.

He says I need to get on this forum and do everything I'm supposed to do. Follow all the steps and leave the old me behind. I deleted my Facebook page today but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.

Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment.

He's probably right. They should have been his way. I violated his trust and with that any privileged.

I just downloaded the app.
The problem is that my taker is the one who's been in charge all this time. And keeps getting in the way. I haven't been listening to the giver.

I don't feel there is any hope here. I see the same gaslighting and twisting I've been seeing throughout the course of this marriage. This is unfortunately serial. I was just too naive and in love to see it before. This phase will last about 3 days, and everything will go back to "normal." This is the same old pattern.

The husband.

Recovery takes both spouses putting in a total effort to restore a marriage. I can tell you from first-hand experience that it is possible. But for me, it was the most difficult thing I ever had to do. However, if you think that all is due you; that all you should have to do is sit passively and watch her change, then I agree with you that it is hopeless. Cut your losses and get a divorce.

You see, the thing is that I too can see an entrenched pattern in your marriage. I just isn't the same pattern that you see.

He's right. I've developed this mechanism of defense early on in my life and I've been constantly protecting myself, never letting the guard down, preemptively striking before I can get hurt myself. Psychopathic behaviour if you will. I need help!!!! I need guidance. I don't know where to start.

I always thought when faced with a deception like an affair you have two options: forgive and move on or call it quits. I didn't realize the first option not only takes a very strong person but also a lot of work. I guess I figured since he decided to stick it out he should just trust me and not doubt anything. How stupid is that? I know I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm here because I can't do this alone. And even if our marriage doesn't work out I need to become a better person.