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allgoodthings, I am shocked that you did not tell us in your first post that your marriage started out as an affair.
Knowing that fact, there is very little we can help you with. Your only chance of saving this is by contacting Dr. Harley and getting his professional help.
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but his friend is like a little voice that keeps telling him to walk away. His friend is right. The odds of this turning out good for anybody, especially him, is very low.
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I didn't because I knew no one would give me a chance. That was a real affair I fell in love with Fate and since he didn't mention the back story my first husband didn't want to be married anymore because he wanted to pursue his carreer and I didn't fit in his plans. In a million years I never imagined this was going to happen again. It was by your definition an emotional affair but it was based on me leaning on someone to talk about my problems and vent. It was wrong, yes, but I never lived him or wanted to leave my husband or wanted a relationship with this person. I wanted guidance for my situation because I love my husband and I can't fix this. I'm now labeled as a cheater and there's no hope for me. Fate also didn't mention that I am from south America where is common for people to have friends of the opposite sex and don't sleep with them. I didn't have but one boyfriend before my first husband and never had casual encounters. Fate describes me as some sort of sociopath, evil, calculating person. I'm not. If anything I'm pretty dumb for believing someone actually gave a damn. As I said before I've battled depression all my life and if it weren't for my son I would be long gone right now. Because of my stupidity and low self-esteem I've created a monster that's chasing me.
He also didn't mention that my son is out of the country with my family for the summer. Whatsapp is the only way the would be able to reach me immediately.
Thank you all for your time.
Goodbye
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The vast majority of marriages that start as affairs end in divorce.
Your only chance is to email Dr. Harley and get his professional help. If you are serious, drop the drama and get the help you need.
You can reach him at: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
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We cannot help you simply because we do not have the expertise to help a couple in your fragile situation. We are not refusing to help you just because you have been labelled a "cheater."
Email Dr. Harley. If you email him, be honest about how your marriage started. It is vital that he knows.
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He will help you for free.
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I tried making an appointment but they didn't have times available. Could you give me the email address please? If you have it.
I apologize for sounding fatalistic, I am very emotional right now.
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I wanted guidance for my situation You got fantastic guidance from SugarCane. Follow it strictly, to the letter, immediately, and this will turn out well for you. You also got a referral to the best marital therapist in the world, Dr. Willard Harley. He will help you for free. It is important that you know that nobody on this forum has ever been able to help a person in your situation recover their marriage. We would very much like to help you, but we have a 0% success rate. The situation is higher than our paygrade; we are just amateurs. Dr. Harley is a professional who has been saving marriages and specializing in affair situations for decades, and we are encouraging you to contact him because he is THE BEST. Dr. Harley and Joyce are passionate about saving marriages and would love to help you. I believe that if you can follow the Marriage Builders principles 100% that you can save your marriage. But if you carve out any exceptions at all, for any reason at all, you will not be able to. So looking at the marriage saving plan here, if you look at something and respond "I can't do that because ..." then you won't be able to save your marriage. But if you look at it and say "Okay, I will do that, whatever it takes," then you can save your marriage. So regarding Whatsapp, it's got to be "Okay, I'll follow the Policy of Joint Agreement." And your husband needs to have the exact same attitude about his abuse.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I tried making an appointment but they didn't have times available. Could you give me the email address please? If you have it.
I apologize for sounding fatalistic, I am very emotional right now. mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
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I tried making an appointment but they didn't have times available. Could you give me the email address please? If you have it.
I apologize for sounding fatalistic, I am very emotional right now. You are confusing Dr. Willard Harley with his son Steve. Dr. Harley does not make appointments. Send him and his wife Joyce an email at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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When you write Dr. Harley, tell him markos and Prisca sent you, and tell him that your marriage started as an affair.
You might also copy in the advice that SugarCane gave you and ask him if he believes it would be good for you to follow it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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and tell him that your marriage started as an affair. He needs to know this because your marriage is more fragile than most, and will need special care. Hiding it from him will only hurt yourself.
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allgood, you need to ask him outright to stop talking about the affair, and to stop accusing you of lying, fixing the test and all the rest of it. Ask him if he can do that. Don't threaten him with leaving, but if he says that he can't stop, or if he says that he needs time to heal because he only found out about the affair in January (or whenever), or if he says that he can stop but then does not, you will need to consider separating from him. Your marriage will never recover until he stops punishing you for the affair.
His need to "heal" does not require that he punish you for what you did. 1. you need to ask him outright to stop talking about the affair 2. you need to ask him to stop accusing you of lying, fixing the test and all the rest of it 3. Don't threaten him with leaving 4. if he says that he can't stop, or if he says that he needs time to heal because he only found out about the affair in January (or whenever), or if he says that he can stop but then does not, you will need to consider separating from him Let Dr. Harley know which of these things you have done so far.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you Markos. We've just sent him an email without leaving any details. I appreciate your help.
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All good, your post here just encourages your husband to distrust you. Its ironic, but the more you panic about being believed and trusted and helped, the harder you make it. If you can relax and trust in this programme - to the letter what Dr H tells you, you will be OK. Dr H can help you with the following. I've pulled out some things which may make it difficult for your husband to trust you. The good news is this can all be changed. I know you want that. I didn't because I knew no one would give me a chance. When given a choice between telling the truth and getting what you need from people - you choose dishonesty. I appreciate that you desperately want help to remain with your husband - but the message you've sent him here is that you are willing to lie in order to get that goal. You need to be fearlessly honest from here on in. With everyone. I know you dont like yourself very much but people are not going to despise you for being honest about your mistakes. If not for your husband we still wouldn't know about the main problem. We would have been left with the mistaken impression that you'd 'only had one EA' and would not know that his very extreme distrust was based on watching a very extreme deception - watching you lie to your first husband. I didn't because I knew no one would give me a chance. That was a real affair I fell in love with Fate and since he didn't mention the back story my first husband didn't want to be married anymore because he wanted to pursue his carreer and I didn't fit in his plans. Defensive statements like this, that it's your first husband's fault he was cheated on will make your second husband very nervous. Fate now sees himself as being in your first husband's shoes. I think he would be more reassured if you just took responsibility for the fact you should have divorced before you leaned on an OS friend. . Fate also didn't mention that I am from south America where is common for people to have friends of the opposite sex and don't sleep with them. That's common everywhere. It's why affairs are common everywhere. People don't enter affairs looking for sex they go looking for friendship and it develops from there. Most people do so innocently, but at some point it involves lying and hiding the relationship. If you can start being more brutally honest and avoid having OS friends because NONE of us can be trusted to do that without problems happening then you will have affair proofed your marriage. 60 pc of marriages experience affairs, not because 60 pc of marriages contain dreadful people, but because these mistakes ARE common. You can use your experiences to rise above those common mistakes. He also didn't mention that my son is out of the country with my family for the summer. Whatsapp is the only way the would be able to reach me immediately. I am sure your husband has some other ideas about ways to contact your son. There are many ways.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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All good, your post here just encourages your husband to distrust you. Its ironic, but the more you panic about being believed and trusted and helped, the harder you make it. If you can relax and trust in this programme - to the letter what Dr H tells you, you will be OK. Dr H can help you with the following. I've pulled out some things which may make it difficult for your husband to trust you. The good news is this can all be changed. I know you want that. I do. I didn't because I knew no one would give me a chance. When given a choice between telling the truth and getting what you need from people - you choose dishonesty. I appreciate that you desperately want help to remain with your husband - but the message you've sent him here is that you are willing to lie in order to get that goal. You need to be fearlessly honest from here on in. With everyone. I know you dont like yourself very much but people are not going to despise you for being honest about your mistakes. If not for your husband we still wouldn't know about the main problem. We would have been left with the mistaken impression that you'd 'only had one EA' and would not know that his very extreme distrust was based on watching a very extreme deception - watching you lie to your first husband. I didn't because I knew no one would give me a chance. That was a real affair I fell in love with Fate and since he didn't mention the back story my first husband didn't want to be married anymore because he wanted to pursue his carreer and I didn't fit in his plans. Defensive statements like this, that it's your first husband's fault he was cheated on will make your second husband very nervous. Fate now sees himself as being in your first husband's shoes. I think he would be more reassured if you just took responsibility for the fact you should have divorced before you leaned on an OS friend. . Fate also didn't mention that I am from south America where is common for people to have friends of the opposite sex and don't sleep with them. That's common everywhere. It's why affairs are common everywhere. People don't enter affairs looking for sex they go looking for friendship and it develops from there. Most people do so innocently, but at some point it involves lying and hiding the relationship. If you can start being more brutally honest and avoid having OS friends because NONE of us can be trusted to do that without problems happening then you will have affair proofed your marriage. 60 pc of marriages experience affairs, not because 60 pc of marriages contain dreadful people, but because these mistakes ARE common. You can use your experiences to rise above those common mistakes. He also didn't mention that my son is out of the country with my family for the summer. Whatsapp is the only way the would be able to reach me immediately. I am sure your husband has some other ideas about ways to contact your son. There are many ways. Wow. This makes sense. Something just clicked. Thank you.
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I didn't because I knew no one would give me a chance. That was a real affair I fell in love with Fate and since he didn't mention the back story my first husband didn't want to be married anymore because he wanted to pursue his carreer and I didn't fit in his plans. In a million years I never imagined this was going to happen again. It was by your definition an emotional affair but it was based on me leaning on someone to talk about my problems and vent. It was wrong, yes, but I never lived him or wanted to leave my husband or wanted a relationship with this person. I wanted guidance for my situation because I love my husband and I can't fix this. I'm now labeled as a cheater and there's no hope for me. Fate also didn't mention that I am from south America where is common for people to have friends of the opposite sex and don't sleep with them. I didn't have but one boyfriend before my first husband and never had casual encounters. Fate describes me as some sort of sociopath, evil, calculating person. I'm not. If anything I'm pretty dumb for believing someone actually gave a damn. As I said before I've battled depression all my life and if it weren't for my son I would be long gone right now. Because of my stupidity and low self-esteem I've created a monster that's chasing me.
He also didn't mention that my son is out of the country with my family for the summer. Whatsapp is the only way the would be able to reach me immediately.
Thank you all for your time.
Goodbye So it was all about what YOU wanted and what YOU needed, never taking into consideration that posters on a "Surviving an Affair" forum may not want to help someone in an affair marriage? You owe posters who helped you an apology for deceiving them....another issue posters on this forum are pretty sensitive about.
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So it was all about what YOU wanted and what YOU needed, never taking into consideration that posters on a "Surviving an Affair" forum may not want to help someone in an affair marriage? One way to live is to give people all the facts and let them make their own decisions about what they are willing to do. You may not always get what you want immediately, but you will have better relationships this way. And we aren't entitled to get our way at the expense of other people. People will appreciate when you don't try to get your way at their expense, but you take only what they are voluntarily willing to give when they have all the facts. The other way to live is to conceal and select the facts in order to try to manipulate people into doing something that they wouldn't want to do if they had all the facts. You manipulate them into giving you your way at their expense. People do not appreciate this, so you get what you want faster, but in the long term it burns bridges. People who live this way often end up very unhappy in life with few friends. Frequently even their grown children will have nothing to do with them. Let people do what they want to do, instead of trying to manipulate and control them. Let your husband leave you if he wants to. He is entitled to do so. By the same token, you are entitled to leave him. He is abusive. Either way, don't fight with him. Let people help you if they want, but if they don't want to, respect and honor their choice and their feelings.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes Markos. Everything you say it's true. That and many other reasons is why I have to be reborn. My husband and I have an "affairage" and that affairage became a family. We've both done regrettable things, mine to a larger scale than his, but we love our little family and we want to beat the odds. He has a right to leave just as much as you have a right to refuse helping. But you know what? He is still here and wants to witness my growth in the same way that many of you, willingly or no, even after my deception continued to help remove the blindfold off my eyes. This change won't happen overnight but my motivation is the benefit to my husband first, our relationship, our family and lastly myself. Because it will only gratify me when I have seen the benefits to "us". The few friends I've kept around are those who, like you, point me in the right detection. A weight has been lifted, I am awake, I feel calm and gratitude. The desperation is gone, the instinct of self preservation is gone and now removed I can see clearly.
Btw, we were on the air on yesterday's radio show.
Again i thank all of you for your words and although you might not think so, they have helped me immensely.
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The time for change is now, the search for constant approval and affirmation has to be redirected towards my husband and no one else. The fear of embarrassment and disapproval removed. And the will to change for the good of those around me has replaced it all. In a way, in the midst of This huge mess I've created, I feel happy. Happy to have a husband who's not willing to give up on me, happy to see that there are people in this world like you that invest their time in helping others and happy that I can see myself for who I was and have been for the first time.
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