I don't post in here very often, but, geez, Gamma, fixated much? As the members have diligently and repeatedly pointed out, your obsession concerning your wife's premarital relationships is incredibly unhealthy. What your wife did almost 30 years ago before she married you is none of your concern, and you seeking out specifically the sexual details amounts to nothing more than creepy voyeurism. Are you concerned about how you measure up? Whether another man was able to please her before you? If you are seeking answers to questions as such, the problem isn't that she won't divulge her past, because her past belongs to her, not you, but that you need therapy, and ASAP.
If you value your marriage and your wife, you'll stop harassing her, especially over subject matter that des not concern you. Talk about love busters!
It's not true to say that "her past belongs to her, not you" and that this is "subject matter that does not concern you". If you were familiar with Dr Harley's work, you would know that.
Dr Harley encourages historical honesty between spouses. He has prepared a sexual history questionnaire that is available on this website, and that is used in the home study and online MB courses. It encourages spouses to reveal their sexual histories to each other. It covers questions such as the age of the first sexual encounter, and whether there have been same sex relationships. It does not ask for graphic details.
The point for Dr Harley is that your spouse should know as much about you as you know about yourself. And when it comes to sexual misdemeanours, He argues that if one spouse did something in their past that indicates a weakness, then it is in their interest to tell their spouse about it, so that they can both guard against that weakness in the future.
Therefore, historical sexual honesty is firmly encouraged. However, what Gamma has been doing is, first, treating the relationship that his wife had as an affair. It wasn't an affair, because, as has been said several times, he knew that his wife had this relationship at the time he got engaged to her, and well before (at least a year before) he married her. He has no knowledge that it was a sexual relationship - his wife has never said it was - yet in his mind he has spun the story so that this man satisfied his wife sexually to such a degree that nothing Gamma could do since ever matched it. Gamma has deduced that his lousy sex life is due to whatever happened during that relationship, and he has mentioned his wife's unwillingness to perform oral sex as evidence of that.
Second, despite having married her knowing that she had the relationship, and after she said that her relationship with Gamma would never be the same, Gamma has asked his wife about it more than once, and she has refused to give details. She has sometimes claimed not to remember the details (of what, I am not sure) and she has given Gamma the impression that she is worried about what he will do with the information. If she is worried that he will divorce her if the details are too much for him, she is, of course, correct.
Third, Gamma has engineered a meeting between his wife and the man, in the hope that their surprise encounter will reveal something to him. We have discussed the cruelty and stupidity of this move many times on this thread.
Fourth, Gamma is fostering a fake friendship with this man, whom he and his wife had not seen for about 25 years, in the hope that he can wheedle a conversation with him about what happened during the relationship. If he can't relax the man into confessing, he hopes to offer him money for artefacts, such as love letters and trinkets, that will reveal the truth (as if a man who has been married for 30 years to someone else would have such things in his possession). The attempt to talk to this man has been going on for about 3 years now. Gamma has had phone calls with him, pretending that he is just catching up with an old colleague. This appears to be the third time that Gamma will try to be at the annual event that the man attends, in the hope that he can move the investigation along.
What is wrong with Gamma's actions is not that his wife's pre-marital sexual history is none of his business, because ideally, it is - but that he is obsessed about this and has spent about 3 years fostering a fake friendship with this man, to find out whether and what kinds of sex he had with his then girlfriend, and with the intention of divorcing if he hears details that are unpalatable.
In an MB marriage, a spouse would not be frightened about talking about a past relationship, because the request for historical honesty would not be a selfish demand, and would not carry the risk of punishment. However, Gamma's wife knows that this is a deep obsession of Gamma's, and despite his claim that she is happy with the way he treats her (which is not surprising, if your read his history and read how he was treating her before he discovered MB), she knows that he is brooding, angry, and poised to leave her after 30 years of marriage, because of an old boyfriend over whom she lost her head, and is now embarrassed. He thinks he is being smooth with her, but she knows how dangerous this subject is to her own future.
In an ideal MB marriage, we would have a spouse who tells us about their past. Sexual historical honesty is in fact an ideal. However, if we have a spouse who isn't on board with that concept, we have a choice to make.
Most of the people who post to Gamma would not pursue the details of this pre-marital relationship, of which we were aware when we got engaged. Gamma was aware that his wife fell for this man. He was aware that she was infatuated. She told him that the relationship changed her feelings for him. He knows that the man ended the relationship and pursued the woman to whom he is now married. If most of us had known that then, and still decided to marry, we would not be pursuing the details 30 years later, with a spouse who is unwilling, worried and embarrassed to talk about them. Most of us would leave the past in the past, and focus on the marriage as it is today. If parts of it are unsatisfactory, such as the sex life, then we would use MB concepts to encourage our spouse to to be more fulfilling. We wouldn't pursue any act, such as OS, if the spouse indicated that they were unwilling to perform it, but we would try to get our spouse create a more fulfilling sex life. That is what Dr Harley recommends; focusing on the present, and making it superb. The past should be left in the past, misdemeanours and all. Historical honesty is recommended (but Dr Harley has pointed out that it is not essential for an MB marriage). Dwelling on the past, and threatening a spouse over it, is firmly NOT.
Dr Harley himself has posted to this thread and advised Gamma to leave the past alone, given his wife's unwillingness to talk about it. Gamma won't do that. Instead he misuses MB concepts such as Just Compensation, which are for an affair (which this was not, and Gamma knew about it before he married) and which do not involve punishment, to justify what he has doing for years with respect to this relationship.
No argument we make is ever going to persuade him to stop. Dr Harley has posted, and Gamma told me that of course he will carry on doing what he is doing. Sadly, the recent post that revived this thread simply offered Gamma the opportunity to go around in circles again, making the same points about Just Compensation, asking rhetorically why his wife won't just give the details, and explaining why the sexual details matter to him, a man, in a way that they do not matter to women - the majority of posters here, who cannot understand him, by definition.
Everything we say to Gamma is completely pointless, but I wanted to address your point, blueangels, about historical honesty.