This is not helpful.
I AM a betrayed spouse. I find this MUCH more painful than the secretive affair he had with a woman he previously had sex with. At least then I didn't have to deal with his self-righteous condemnation of me for not going along with it.

Do you not remember my post regarding the night he took me out for Mother's Day? The night was riddled with LBs. This past week when I met with him and my step-son was the same. I can't imagine he's going to be better "behaved" if we're alone when no one is watching or helping to entertain him. What *I* want is for him to stop the LBs. If I understand Dr. Harley correctly, there's no point trying to make deposits as long as they're being overridden with LBs, so what are you looking for?

Oh, and also, I would be willing to "let" him do the 110+ pages of things suggested to him on his thread -- the things that he can't remember.

And now I'm angry at myself again because once again, I'm here all day until 11:00pm posting on the forum trying to make sense of this while Remark hasn't engaged since early this morning. And he no longer has the excuse of no internet access.

Are you willing to let him date you on a regular basis?
Are you willing to end your own lovebusters?

If not, and this current fight is too much of a deal breaker for you, then file for divorce. Is that what you are wanting to do?

If you don't want to divorce him, then you need to do your part and stop your own lovebusters. You have a very big problem with disrespect.

Remark is not the only one who has failed to follow the program. When are you going to do your part?

Remark is GOING to make mistakes on the path of recovery. When you continue to respond with lovebusters, that doesn't give him a lot of hope for recovery. When are you going to do your part?

That's because you don't want to do the program.

So far, the only message you have sent him is that this marriage is over and that there is no point in trying.

Would you like to change that?

Marriage Builders has a plan that a wife can follow to try to get her husband to change. But you haven't followed it, so why are you expecting him to change?

He has been willing to do the online program with coaching. So you are saying that you have agreed to sign up? Even though you feel hopeless?

If you did in fact agree to do a MB coaching call, I would recommend that you prepare a concise written statement of your position about the family issue and your complaint about Remark not being willing and/or being resentful of your feelings so that you save time for coaching on the call with Steve.

But you aren't him are you? PoJA is not 'I've decided this is reasonable because it's how I would feel in your shoes' PoJA is about not subjecting your spouse to things that would make them unhappy. Being lectured for a long time over his shortcomings makes him unhappy and demotivated to try.

Even if he were the only person in the world to think so, you should respect that and deliver complaints more swiftly and cheerfully. But he isn't. Long relationship talks are discouraged in MB because they aren't enjoyable to hardly anybody. Particularly men. Also, they are doomed to failure. If you are talking a lot it's because you believe your perspective is the wisest and best.

It also means you don't trust your spouse to go away and think about it, you need instant reassurance on the spot. Keeping him there reluctantly until he hears and agrees with your perspective is a fight, because it's a selfish demand.

He's being pretty irritating but you aren't helping matters. You would have gotten your point over far more clearly if you had talked less and not asked for responses. You could have said you were unhappy with his attentiveness level and would appreciate his posting for advice. End of. No need to twist his arm until he cries uncle.

As for the potential A, you did right to inform him of an advance and of any temptation but I truly hope you reassured him you had cut off all avenues of contact regardless of what he does with your marriage?

ANYTHING less is a threat and a selfish demand.

It's not his neglect that will cause an affair, but your boundaries.

Quick reference....
Thank you, Indie. Succinct, to the point, and 100% my thoughts exactly.

I think the coaching call (which I agreed to do) would be better than the online program. I believe the family issue IS going to be the hill that Remark dies on. He simply does not agree.

I agree with you, but REMARK didn't tell me that sharing that information with him was an LB for him. You can only do what you know until you know differently. I'll ask Remark if he'd like me to refrain from sharing that information with him in the future. BTW, I used to do what you suggested, delivered my complaints short and sweet, even made a joke out of it when I said it. Do you get the impression that Remark responds to subtlety?
I absolutely, positively do not trust him to go away and think about it. He doesn't. He often forgets the point/question during the three minutes I'm waiting for him to "formulate a response."
I did do this on Friday with my complaint that he comes into my house now and leaves it in disarray. I mentioned the table setting as an example. I didn't itemize the mess he left in the basement when he took the tv off the wall, or the doors to the house left wide open such that the air conditioning had left the building and the house felt like a sauna. Just short and sweet. In response, I feel like he mocked my complaint when he referenced it on his thread ("I committed an LB of leaving a place mat out of place on her kitchen table. She mentioned that, (an LB)") again trying to point out what an unreasonable cow I am.
Agreed. Boundaries take personal resolve and commitment, which admittedly mine are weakening terribly. I was expressing my own personal fear. I've considered D'ing for that reason alone, and it's not off the table.

When he demonstrates that he is capable of doing his part. I've done plan A numerous times. It doesn't change anything with him. He needs to show me that he's capable. It's unfortunate he didn't take the opportunity to do his part when it would have been easier for him. Like it's easier to lose 10 pounds than 50? But this is where we are.

Quick question. Are posters "fighting" with Remark on his thread?

The program doesn't work that way.
We're not talking Plan A here. We're talking the basics of not abusing your spouse.

When your spouse breaks a rule, that doesn't give you permission to also break rules.

If you are not willing to stop the disrespectful judgements, then Remark really has no reason to continue in this marriage with you.

I looked through the recent posts, what disrespectful judgment(s) are you talking about?