Remark, I suggest you get to work on the worksheets.... available freely here on the site;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4500_resource.html

Fill out the LB sheet for your wife and give it to her each week.

The same with the EN sheet.

Work on the UA forms, and start getting UA.

No excuses.

Leave the condo a dump. Your marriage is in worse condition then your bachelor pad.

"This conversation isn't pleasant... what do you think about the HEAT? Man, it was 108 Saturday..." OK, I'll work on that and get back to you.


That was the point of what I posted to your wife:
Make a list of fun activities that you would like to do and tell him to pick one. When you are out relationship talk is off the table. Period. His family is off the table for conversation. Period. Find a list of fun questions on the internet. I've tried to post some on the forum before and they get deleted, but just google it. They are things like if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Then LISTEN to each other and ask questions to draw each other out about that topic. You need to do this at least 4 times a week. In addition to the fun questions you need to do something you both enjoy like Bowling or hiking or sailing or whatever fun activity you can both agree on.

If she brings up the past, then just say this isn't pleasant and go back to the "fun" topic. Only do fun things. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK.

"She is not wired to enjoy life if there is anything bothering her. "

This seems disrespectful and like you are absorbing yourself of responsibility.

*absolving

I'm posting on both your threads because I'm trying to get through to both of you on how to talk to each other. When you communicated you were having that friend over, what did you say? This is what I told your wife:

I'm curious how did that conversation go when he told you he was going to meet up with his friend? I'm not sure if he called, text or emailed you that information. I would have said,

When you go off with a friend instead of going on a date with me, I feel alone and sad. It makes me feel hopeless about our marriage.

Then listen to what he says. If he starts making excuses about how the friend is only there for a short time or that you don't want to spend time with him anyway, then say your behavior is making me feel unloved and hang up the phone. What Remark should do if you say that is, "Ok, I'm cancelling my friend, let us go out to your favorite place to eat."

Now part of this whole problem is that you have not communicated and come up with 20 to more like 30 hours of dates with him. These should be on the calendar with the two of you.

Here is what was said by Remark's actions;

I care more about this random friend than my wife.

We really don't need to know any more.

His marriage is bleeding out on the floor, and he is remodeling his bachelor pad and hanging with the boys.

His actions say; "I don't want to be married."

I believe that my post said quit fighting.

There was no question mark at the end.

Why, then, do you feel the need to provide an answer as if it were?


I didn't ask who started it. That's irrelevant.

I didn't ask why you can't stop fighting.

I didn't ask if you could stop fighting.

It was rather clear: KNOCK IT OFF.

HHH,
OK, understood.
Thanks, Remark

Apples,

I'm sorry it came across that way. I was communicating an intimate knowledge of my W that I have learned these 21 years and, perhaps, would help the forum understand her better.

I'm sorry for coming across as disrespectful or absolving. It's part of the 'puzzle' I am working with.

Thanks,
Remark

hw47,
OK, that sounds like great advice that I can do!
Thanks, Remark

HHH,

OK. I have the workbook and went ahead and, using the link you provided, printed off a bunch of copies of the LB forms for W and H.

Thanks, Remark

Good, you need an action plan.

What is your date plan for the week? You said you are a non-linear thinker so you need to make the path simple and clear.

Have you printed out the recreational activities questionaire?

Apples,
Yes, I have it and also from the workbook filled out already.
JD2D has class tonight. So earliest opportunity is tomorrow (Thu) night. I have already asked her if she has to work Friday. (I have Friday off as the Jul 4th holiday.)
Working on a plan, a set of activities,
Thanks, Remark

Good. Could you take her to lunch today? Do you have other plans to put in place? You took time off for your son, can you take your wife on a short trip? You need short and long term plans.

Apples,
Lunch wasn't viable today. Her ofc is 30 mins. from mine, best case. We're thinking along the same lines, though.
Thanks, Remark

But if not lunch, what is your plan today?

Poppy,
There won't be any opportunities today as she has class until 9:00 - 9:30 tonight, and works until then.
Thanks,
Remark

A nice thinking of you text/email? Favorite flowers waiting for her in a vase when she gets home? Favorite candy bar? Something anything that shows her you were thinking of her, miss her or haven't forgotten her.