Long story short, my husband engaged in several physical and emotional affairs (and had a really bad problem eyeing women in public, which he has improved on; not just a look, an intense undressing with his eyes and I've embarrassingly enough been approached by women who warned me abt it and/or were uncomfortable with the attention). Things got briefly better, however, he seemed to give up trying after six months. We struggled over the next year after that. I ended up giving up nearly all of my expectations/conditions for remaining in the marriage to try to make him happier. At the start of this year, he was forced to take a new position that requires a lot of travel. On shorter trips (3-4 days) I've been letting him go on his own (which was a big step for me in the trust department) and out after work with his coworkers.

I only asked that he 1) Charge and carry his personal cellphone, 2) Let me know where he was and who he was with (restaurant, bar, et cetera), 3) No strip joints/hooters/twin peaks/etc. 4) Answer in the event that I called or texted as I rarely bother him when he is out/busy. He kept failing to follow through on 2, and 4 when he was out and about for all his trips. The last trip, on the night before he was supposed to come home, something felt weird. So I asked him if they had fed him well and where did he go? He said a sports bar and grill. Obviously this sounded off to not mention where, so I said oh, I hear there is a lot of nice microbreweries and sports bars in the area. You never seem to mention their names so we can go together. He then fessed up he was at Twin Peaks (like a hooters I guess).

I was furious. All that trust tossed out the window. He claims his coworkers didn't decide until last minute and he thought it was no big deal. His attitude at that point was terrible and he said some nasty things. Long story short, I don't feel very secure in our marriage after what happened and he has made zero effort to make me feel secure and our sex life is nonexistent - I don't want him going out to places like that period - not now, maybe not ever. What on earth am I supposed to do about future trips/how do I respond to this incident in general? This is kind of crass, but if he's not looking at my breasts I don't want him ogling someone else. I'll be posting my full story soon, it's a complex one.

I guess I should mention is that I'm the most furious about the fact that he didn't at least let me know and went out of his way to deceive me by telling half truths. With coworkers I see why he felt weird about saying no but I feel like he should have called/texted to let me know what was going on and make sure I was comfortable with it. Like a hey, I know I promised but the guys are all out and I don't want to make it weird by saying no, are we cool on that?

Your marriage is dying and you might as well call it quits if he keeps a job that takes him away from you overnight.
Your only chance is to get him on board with the program and start taking his marriage seriously.
And even without overnights, if he is working in an environment where going to these kinds of places is acceptable, it is time for another job anyway.

Do you have any children and how long have you been married?

P.S. You have every right to be appalled by his behaviour.

Because he is a serial cheater, chances are very slim as it is, even if you do get him to follow the program, you should monitor him like a child for the rest of his life.

Please listen to the clips in here, Traveling Jobs

If he continues to have a job that takes him away overnight I'm sorry to say he will continue to have affairs.

Were his affairs ever exposed? Were any of the OW married?

I would hit NOTIFY and ask the MODS to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

These are the extraordinary precautions your WH needs to put in place for your marriage to recover.


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends

Hi Redfisher, I'm so happy that you found Marriage Builders and I hope that you will follow the advice that you are getting here.

Your husband is a serial cheater and I don't see any hope for your marriage unless you both will go through that Surviving an Affair checklist and do everything to a "T".

In order for your marriage to recover, he is going to have to *quit* the traveling job.

What you should do about future trips is refuse to allow them. Even in fantastic marriages, couples should never spend nights apart.

I am not following how it is a big step in the trust department to agree to engage in destructive behavior? That is like saying you "trust" him to go drunk driving. it is not a virtue to "trust" an untrustworthy person. I am pointing this example out so you will be aware that this type of thinking is bad for your marriage. It does not create "trust" to engage in marriage wrecking behavior, it just hurts your marriage.

Even GREAT marriages do not do well with traveling jobs, so if you are serious about your marriage, you will insist he get a job where you can be together every night. You are taking major risks with your marriage that it is unlikely to survive.

Encouraging him to continue in a lifestyle which would make the mildest of men careless and thoughtless isn't trust. It's playing chicken.

I personally wouldnt trust a man who lived any part of his life away from me. You also know his personal weaknesses make any notion of blind trust a complete fairy tale.

Dr H has tried making it work for couples who are separated overnight, like in the military, and he can't. We are very much a species who loves the one we are with. We become distant from those we don't see. The opinions of his co-workers and hooter girls mean more than yours because they are with him, you are not.

Most women would be advised to either travel with their husband or insist on a new job. As someone married to a serial cheat though, you would need to go much further. You'd need to be together around the clock, perhaps working from home or starting a business. You'd need access to all his communications. You would need to accept the responsibility of being his accountability partner full time rather than just trusting him. That does not take into account the nature of addiction. If you leave him to his own devices you can trust him to fall victim to his weaknesses and fail.

It's not for the faint hearted and the pain you've endured entitles you to divorce and move on.

That would be a ridiculous thing to request of you. To hurt you by ogling naked women so as to appease a social group he made no vows to. Your standards must be so much higher than this.

You are aware that happily married men don't seek to do stuff like this, aren't you? You have been gaslighted into thinking that risky behavior is okay.

Please read this.

Please Explain Gaslighting