I am 100% certain that if the counseling involved her "admitting faults" she felt it was a loss for her.

The goal of counseling should be to help the two of you learn to help each other win, not to help somebody discover they are at fault or wrong.

We've given you several suggestions that will help. I suggest you reread this thread very carefully and make a todo list. In particular, it's crucial that you start listening to that radio show, daily.

Don't yield any more. Don't do things if you are not enthusiastic about them, don't take blame or apologize for not feeling enthusiastic about something she wants. Instead, start looking for a way to meet her needs that you are enthusiastic about, while at the same time trying to draw her into a romantic relationship with you (POUA) and keeping the problem of her love busters (demands, disrespect, and anger) on the front burner.

(Yeah, that's a lot to do at once, but it works a lot better than yielding!)

Let me just remark on something about that word selfish. Both of you are supposed to win in marriage. Being selfish is a good thing. The goal of marriage should be to get you both what you want in ways that the other person is also enthusiastic about. You want ways that both of you can be selfish, together.

Try to write an answer to this.

FightTheFight, your posts are awesome.

I don't blame her! The internet is full of terrible advice.

Don't try to educate her. She needs you to be a fun friend, not a professor. Educating her will be a love bank withdrawal because it is disrespectful.

No husband here ever turns things around by winning a debate with his wife. Instead, after he learns to eliminate love bank withdrawals and make massive love bank deposits every day, her feelings toward him change, and at that point she becomes more open to meeting his needs and protecting him from love bank withdrawals.

So it's crucial to draw her into a romantic relationship with you, frequently extending invitations to join you to spend time alone together giving each other your undivided attention and making it wonderful for her. It's also crucial to complain about the love busters (in writing weekly rather than in person constantly) so that as her feelings toward you change she will start to understand what she can do to make you feel better.

The main obstacle is that she probably isn't in love with you for a variety of reasons. And to be honest it sounds like she has some issues to work on as well. But trust us, the only real path to success and getting her on board is exactly what Markos is telling you to do.

I can't tell if you're able to absorb it all at once, and it probably seems like a terrible situation to you, but as an outsider looking in I see a lot of hope here.

Sorry, what I meant was that the article says that that is what people tend to do, not that that is what they should do. See below:

"In this second stage, when a husband recognizes a shift in her approach from being respectful to being disrespectful, he usually fights fire with fire. If she wants to be disrespectful, he can be that way, too. But if he makes that mistake, he will see his marriage unravel rather quickly. "

Excerpted from here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_Nagging.html

I absolutely do. I kiss them both good night and good morning everyday (even though sometimes I'd rather not if we had just fought).

Yes, this thread is definitely something I'll have to re-read a few times. Thanks.

Ah, okay, now I get it!

To summarize a few important things you need to do soon:

* get the Marriage Builders Radio app and start listening daily
* start inviting your wife to spend time with you alone and start being with her when she unwinds and relaxes
* tell your wife you don't feel like either of you should ever be demanding, disrespectful, or angry with each other, and ask her to tell you whenever she feels you are doing one of these things. Then start giving her your own list once a week and asking if she would give you one.

And never fight with her again.

Since conversation and affection are the most important emotional needs for a typical woman, try to become very familiar with what Dr. Harley says about these, and very good at meeting these needs.

How to meet the need for affection

I suggest just taking the sample list Dr. Harley provided and doing those things, daily, customizing the list as you gain more insight into your wife.

Here is the secret to meeting your wife's need for conversation:

The friends and enemies of good conversation.

Dr. Harley lists four friends of good conversation and four enemies of good conversation. (They are also listed in His Needs, Her Needs.) Spend fifteen hours a week in conversation with your wife, practicing the friends, and practicing avoiding the enemies. Re-read that article each day to refresh your memory, and practice until you understand them and are good at them.

Stay in contact with her every day as much as possible. Call her during the day from work just to say hello and ask how she's doing. Use texting, instant messenger, email, or whatever other means of contact is available to you. Call her on your way home.

Thanks again...lots to look at and do. Will start tonight.

Did you get the app, yet?

Yes..got the app for my iPad; wife is at work, I'm home listening. Still mulling over how to approach her with this. My first priority is UA as this seems to be critical.

Honestly I wouldn't approach her at all with any if this. You'll be much better served by keeping this in your hip pocket and using it without her even knowing.

Just follow the advice.. Educate yourself. Listen to the show everyday. Come here often for feedback. That's your mission for now. This will take awhile.